Sundays used to be reserved for my marathon updates, but since I moved those over to the IronFat blog, I’m experimenting with new ideas for Sunday.   I’m a fan of small deeds of personal activism, so I was thinking that every Sunday could be “Say Something Sunday” –  I’ll give some ideas for Size Diversity Activism, and then those who do participate (whether it’s my suggestions or something else entirely) can tell us about it in the comments.

I did the math and if everyone who views the blog each week did one piece of Size Diversity Activism a week, it would add up to over 1.5 million body positive messages put out into the world this year.  Multiply that times the number of people who might see each of those messages and things start to increase exponentially. To be very clear, nobody is obligated to do activism so if this doesn’t appeal to you that’s totally cool, I’ll be back tomorrow with your regularly scheduled blog post!

So I’ll give it a shot today –  I’d love to hear your thoughts about this (as well as any activism in which you engage, or other ideas for Sunday blogs) in the comments.

My ideas for this week (these are just suggestions, if they don’t appeal to you feel free to do your own thing!)

Make a New Year’s Resolution to stop negative body talk.  Post it to social media.

Post/Repost a Size Acceptance message or article on your own social media (have a good one?  leave it in the comments!)

Thank a Size Diversity Activist whose work inspires you (check here for some that I like!)

Put something body positive in the comment section of an article where there’s a bunch of fat shaming.  You may not change the fat-shamer’s point of view, but you’ll give people reading the comment section another viewpoint to consider. (If you want some support with this, you can join the Rolls Not Trolls group on Facebook, it’s a group created for the specific purpose of putting body positive things in body negative spaces on the internet and supporting each other while we do that.  It’s a secret group so if you want to join just message me on facebook (I’m Ragen Chastain)

Happy Say Something Sunday!

Like this blog?  Here’s more cool stuff:

If you’re looking for fun fitness motivation for the New Year without any diet talk, weight loss talk, or body shaming, but with lots of fun, flexibility, and body positivity, check out the Fit Fatties Forum Virtual Event Challenge!

Become a Member For ten bucks a month you can support size diversity activism, help keep the blog ad free, and get deals from size positive businesses as a thank you.  Click here for details

Buy the book:  Fat:  The Owner’s Manual  The E-Book is Name Your Own Price! Click here for details

Book Me!  I’d love to speak to your organization. You can get more information on topics, previous engagements and reviews here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org!

Dance Classes:  Buy the Dance Class DVDs or download individual classes – Every Body Dance Now! Click here for details 

I’m training for an IRONMAN! You can follow my journey at www.IronFat.com

A movie about my time as a dancer is in active development (casting, finding investors etc.).  Follow the progress on Facebook!

If you are uncomfortable with my offering things for sale on this site, you are invited to check out this post.

I got a comment a few days ago from Nick that is a common response that people who are fat and do fat activism get, and I thought it would be fun to break it down a bit.

“I don’t mind that you’re fat. I don’t mind that you share your experiences with others. The thing that really makes me sad is that you and others like you actively promote obesity and try to convince people that it’s ok.”

First of all let’s acknowledge what a benevolent, selfless person Nick is that he doesn’t mind that I exist and that I tell my own story.  I can’t say how touched I am, and when I say I can’t, that’s because I’m not touched at all. I’m not sure what kind of exaggerated sense of self-importance someone has to have to think that it’s their place to run around the internet giving other people begrudging permission to exist, but I am sure that Nick needn’t have wasted his time with all that on my account.

The second part of the comment illustrates a misrepresentation of Size Acceptance that people who don’t actually understand it often use (either on purpose or through ignorance) to incite “won’t-somebody-think-of-the-children” style hand-wringing about the idea that people, especially fat people, might actually like themselves.

The idea of “promoting obesity” is among the most ridiculous things that I’ve ever heard.  As if someone will see a happy fat person and say “I want to be happy, I’ll bet the secret is that she’s fat, I’m going to get fat so I can be happy too!”.  Like’s it the new V8 commercial:  millions of thin people, who see the same 386,170 negative messages a year about fat people, will see one of us being successful, happy, or (heavens forfend) liking ourselves, smack their foreheads and say “I coulda been fat!”

Size Acceptance isn’t about promoting a body size, it’s about the basic right of everyone, of every size,  to exist without shame, stigma, bullying, or oppression, regardless of why they are the size they are, what being that size means, and if they could or want to change their size.  It’s about the fact that the rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are not size dependent.  Size Acceptance is not about promoting a body size, that’s actually the other guys – the dominant culture that insists that there is only one “good” way for a body to look and be.

I often wonder if the suggestion that Size Acceptance is about “promoting obesity” or “wanting everyone to be fat” is simply an expression of the fear that weight bullies have, that if we are able rise above the bullying, stigmatizing and oppression they enjoy perpetuating, fat people will treat our oppressors the way that they’ve been treating us. (Might this be why people like Nick want us to think that we should care about their approval of our existence?)

Now let’s deal with the idea that I try to convince other people that it’s ok to be fat.  When I say that it’s ok to be fat, I’m not trying to convince anybody of anything – I’m simply stating a fact.  It is 100% ok to be fat. I covered that in detail here, but the bottom line is that it doesn’t matter how fat someone is, or why they are that fat, or what the outcomes of being that fat may or may not be.  They deserve to be treated with respect and it is completely ok for them to be that size.

Yes, even if they weigh 2000 pounds. Yes even if you think their weight is “their fault.” Yes, even if you would never ever want to be “that fat”.  Yes, even if you can’t understand how they do certain things. Yes, even if they have problems that can be correlated with being fat.  Yes, even if they have problems that can be causally related to being fat.  Yes, even if studies show that they cost society more.  Yes, even if they actually cost society more.

It is totally, completely 100% ok for someone to be fat because other people’s body sizes aren’t anybody else’s business.  (And those who think it is because fat people “cost them tax dollars”, should check out this post.) Nobody requires anyone else’s justification, or permission to live in their body.  Period. This is true whether or not people are able to, are trying to, or want to, achieve permanent weight loss – it is a matter of civil rights.

At the end of the day, no matter what your size, remember that you don’t need permission from Nick or anyone else to exist in the body you have now, to appreciate that body, or to make choices for yourself.

Like this blog?  Here’s more cool stuff:

If you’re looking for fun fitness motivation for the New Year without any diet talk, weight loss talk, or body shaming, but with lots of fun, flexibility, and body positivity, check out the Fit Fatties Forum Virtual Event Challenge!

Become a Member For ten bucks a month you can support size diversity activism, help keep the blog ad free, and get deals from size positive businesses as a thank you.  Click here for details

Buy the book:  Fat:  The Owner’s Manual  The E-Book is Name Your Own Price! Click here for details

Book Me!  I’d love to speak to your organization. You can get more information on topics, previous engagements and reviews here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org!

Dance Classes:  Buy the Dance Class DVDs or download individual classes – Every Body Dance Now! Click here for details 

I’m training for an IRONMAN! You can follow my journey at www.IronFat.com

A movie about my time as a dancer is in active development (casting, finding investors etc.).  Follow the progress on Facebook!

If you are uncomfortable with my offering things for sale on this site, you are invited to check out this post.

Update:  Reader VioletVaper has recorded a fabulous version of my more realistic version of the new Weight Watchers Ad!   Scroll to the bottom to check out the video.

It’s that time of year – when Weight Watchers tries to convince us to sign up for one of their programs.  This year, instead of using celebrity spokespeople to try to create self-loathing, they are using “everyday” people and children’s songs. (Standard disclaimer:  The Underpants Rule applies here, people are allowed to choose to attempt to manipulate their body size, including by joining Weight Watchers.)

Now, if people based their decision to join WW on the facts, and if WW based their advertising on facts, then WW would have a much more difficult job. Their own research shows that the average participant loses 10 pounds in the first year, then regains 5 pounds, thus losing 5 pounds in two years (and paying $254 per pound in meeting fees alone for the privilege.)  Despite the fact that their Chief Scientist, presumably with a straight face, called this “validation of what we’ve been doing” this year’s commercial jingle is not about paying $1270 to lose 5 pounds that you’re probably going to gain back.  I’m shocked! No, wait, I’m the opposite of shocked.

This year they’ve commandeered the children’s song “If You’re Happy and You Know It” to try to convince us all the we are all making “the mistake” of eating while we are happy, sad, sleepy, angry, bored, human, or having feelings of any kind, and, moreover, that we need Weight Watchers to solve this “problem.” I guess the idea is a life where eating and being a human being with feelings are two completely separate states (which, considering how their food tastes, might be necessary to stay on the plan.)

Weight Watchers has made boatloads of money selling very temporary weight loss – cleverly using the fact that most people can lose weight short term, and most will gain it back long term  – by convincing their clients to give WW the credit for the first part, and blame themselves for the second part. But before they can do that, they have to convince us try their product. In honor of their choice to try to incite self-loathing through song, for profit, I wanted to offer a song for Weight Watchers that I think is a bit more realistic (as always, my gift to you is that I won’t be singing this, but if you want to record it then feel free to send me the link or leave it in the comments, and I’ll be so very happy to add it to the post!)

If you’re happy and you know it, we’ll fix that.
If you’re happy and you know it, we’ll fix that.
If you’re happy and you know it, then your money – you won’t blow it,
If you’re happy and you know it, we’ll fix that.

If you’re human and you know it, hate yourself.
If you’re human and you know it, hate yourself.
If you aren’t full of self-loathing, then we’re here to lend some help.
If you’re human and you know it, hate yourself.

If you’re sad and you know it, that’s just great.
If you’re sad and you know it, that’s just great.
Please forget that we’re the cause, just focus on your body hate.
If you’re sad and you know it, that’s just great.

If you’re coming to our meeting, we’re so glad
If you’re coming to our meeting, we’re so glad
The outlook isn’t sunny, but we’re glad to have your money
If you’re coming to our meeting, we’re so glad

If you failed on our program, that’s a shame.
If you failed on our program, that’s a shame.
Our product almost never works, but trust us you’re the one to blame.
If you failed on our program, that’s a shame.

If you failed on our program, try again.
If you failed on our program try again.
It won’t work this time either, but we need your money, friend.
So if you failed on our program try again.

Or, you know, maybe not.

Check out violetvaper’s version of the song:

Like this blog?  Here’s more cool stuff:

If you’re looking for fun fitness stuff to do in the New Year without any diet talk, weight loss talk, or body shaming, but with lots of fun, flexibility, and body positivity, check out the Fit Fatties Forum Virtual Event Challenge!

Become a Member For ten bucks a month you can support size diversity activism, help keep the blog ad free, and get deals from size positive businesses as a thank you.  Click here for details

Buy the book:  Fat:  The Owner’s Manual  The E-Book is Name Your Own Price! Click here for details

Book Me!  I’d love to speak to your organization. You can get more information on topics, previous engagements and reviews here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org!

Dance Classes:  Buy the Dance Class DVDs or download individual classes – Every Body Dance Now! Click here for details 

I’m training for an IRONMAN! You can follow my journey at www.IronFat.com

A movie about my time as a dancer is in active development (casting, finding investors etc.).  Follow the progress on Facebook!

If you are uncomfortable with my offering things for sale on this site, you are invited to check out this post.

 

 

As another year comes to an end, I’m incredibly grateful for the life I get to lead – I get to do work that people tell me makes a difference in their lives.

I got my annual report from WordPress.  This year my blog got 1,446,384 views (which is up 11% from last year and up over 35,000% from 2009 when I started the blog.)

The blog hit a total of 13,042 followers and got 34,030 comments (the top five commenters this year are Helena Handbasket, Mich, Twistie, Lady Rhaptorne and Isstrout, thanks y’all!) I had views from all 7 continents and every country in the world except Turkmenistan, North Korea, Chad, and Niger.  I gave talks all over the United States to groups including colleges, healthcare providers,  corporations, conferences, and more.

I co-founded the Fat Activism Conference (and we’ll be back again, bigger and better, in 2015!), the Fit Fatties Forum continued to grow including the addition of the Flying Rhinos! And an anthology that I edited was published by Praeger, an imprint of ABC/Clio.  A screenplay that was written by David Fried about my life as a dancer is now in active development.

I’d like to take a moment to say thank you.

Thank you to my partner Julianne, to my Best Friend Kelrick and Kenny, his husband, my mom Michele – I have an amazing and supportive family and I really appreciate you!  Thanks to Jeanette Depatie, my partner on so many fun ventures!

Thank you to my blog readers, and everyone who supports my work whether it’s by becoming a member, sharing a post on social media, getting involved in one of my projects, or sending me an encouraging message or thank you. Thanks to the people who send me research, and articles, and questions that help me find things to blog about.  Thanks to the people who let me know about my typos. Thanks to everyone who makes the comment section of this blog a place that’s full of thoughtful discussion. Thanks to all of the other amazing Size Acceptance and Health at Every Size bloggers who inspire me everyday.  Thanks to everyone who came before me who created the movement that I am honored to be a part of.

I’m super excited about the year to come and I have lots of things to tell you about in the coming weeks.  Today, though, the only thing I want to tell you is Thanks!

~Ragen

Like this blog?  Here’s more cool stuff:

If you’re looking for fun fitness stuff to do in the New Year without any diet talk, weight loss talk, or body shaming, but with lots of fun, flexibility, and body positivity, check out the Fit Fatties Forum Virtual Event Challenge!

Become a Member For ten bucks a month you can support size diversity activism, help keep the blog ad free, and get deals from size positive businesses as a thank you.  Click here for details

Buy the book:  Fat:  The Owner’s Manual  The E-Book is Name Your Own Price! Click here for details

Book Me!  I’d love to speak to your organization. You can get more information on topics, previous engagements and reviews here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org!

Dance Classes:  Buy the Dance Class DVDs or download individual classes – Every Body Dance Now! Click here for details 

I’m training for an IRONMAN! You can follow my journey at www.IronFat.com

A movie about my time as a dancer is in active development (casting, finding investors etc.).  Follow the progress on Facebook!

If you are uncomfortable with my offering things for sale on this site, you are invited to check out this post.

I got a question from a reader today from reader Jeannie who said “I’m ready to get off the diet roller coaster and start focusing on my health instead of my weight, do you have any advice on the practical side of doing that?”  Indeed I do.

Before we go too far, I want to point out (for the first of several times) that health (including the pursuit of health by any definition) is not an obligation, barometer of worthiness, entirely within our control, or guaranteed regardless of one’s choices.

So, let’s start by comparing and contrasting the two methods:

A weight centered approach to health suggests that we try to manipulate our body into a specific height/weight ratio and hope that health comes along for that ride.  It suggests that we do something that nobody has proven is possible for a reason that nobody has proven is valid, and for which failure is a near statistical certainty.

Health at Every Size (HAES) is a health practice where the focus is on behaviors rather than body size, based on the evidence that habits are a much better determinant of future health than body size. (HAES is not to be confused with Size Acceptance, which is a civil rights movement that asserts that fat people have the right to exist without stigma, shame, bullying, or oppression and it doesn’t matter why we’re fat, what being fat means, or if we could/want to become thin).

HAES does not say that everyone can be healthy at any size – it says that body size and health are two different things and that people of all sizes get to choose how highly to prioritize their health and the path they want to travel to get there, and that the resources we need to support those choices should be available and accessible. With HAES the focus is on choosing behaviors, and allowing our bodies to settle at whatever weight they settle.

The transition from a weight-centered health practice to a health-centered health practice can be difficult.  The problem that I most often hear from people initially is how to set goals.  In a weight centered practice the scale is our judge and jury.  All eating and movement activities are centered around changing the size and shape of the body and the number on the scale.

For those who choose HAES, our activities are chosen based on our prioritization of our health and the path that we choose to get there, and are focused around nurturing our bodies and increasing our odds for good health, rather than trying to make them a certain size or height/weight ratio. Goals can be set around movement – for example, I want to be able to life my grandkid, I want to be able to walk around the block etc.  They can be set around the habits themselves – I want to get x minutes of activity a week, I want to eat x servings of vegetables a day etc.

There are lots of nuts and bolts to work out, and for most of us it’s an ongoing process – but for me the biggest step was deciding to stop hating my body for not fitting a societal stereotype of beauty or state-sponsored height/weight ratio,  and start appreciating it for everything it does and making choices as if my body and were on the same side, rather than “struggling” with my weight or seeing my body as the enemy.  I find that most people’s experience – including mine – is that once you make the decision to focus on your health and let your weight fall where it may, you’ve taken a huge step toward a HAES approach.

On your HAES journey you’ll try stuff – some things will be spectacular successes (like that time I took up dancing) and some may be spectacular failures and that’s ok. This is a lifelong journey and there is no right or wrong, there are just experiences and what you’re going to try next.

If you’re looking for a place to start, I created a program to help you learn the basics and create a roadmap for your HAES journey.  You can find it by clicking here.

Like this blog?  Here’s more cool stuff:

Become a Member For ten bucks a month you can support size diversity activism, help keep the blog ad free, and get deals from size positive businesses as a thank you.  Click here for details

Buy the book:  Fat:  The Owner’s Manual  The E-Book is Name Your Own Price! Click here for details

Book Me!  I’d love to speak to your organization. You can get more information on topics, previous engagements and reviews here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org!

Dance Classes:  Buy the Dance Class DVDs or download individual classes – Every Body Dance Now! Click here for details 

I’m training for an IRONMAN! You can follow my journey at www.IronFat.com

A movie about my time as a dancer is in active development (casting, finding investors etc.).  Follow the progress on Facebook!

If you are uncomfortable with my offering things for sale on this site, you are invited to check out this post.

So in October I logged onto the LA Marathon site to register for the marathon and I noticed that the website had changed. Most importantly to me, the sentence that started “Participants who cross the finish line after…” had changed.

When I decided to enter the LA Marathon that sentence had read “Participants who cross the finish line after 8:00:00 are not guaranteed to be recognized as Official Finishers and are not guaranteed a medal or finishing time.”

The sentence as it appeared that morning in October read “Participants who cross the finish line after 6:30:00 are not guaranteed to be recognized as Official Finishers and are not guaranteed a medal or finishing time.”

I had set a goal to finish the LA Marathon in 7:30:00, an hour faster than I had trained to finish Seattle.  Now I would have to take another hour off my time in 8 months, and considering how much I do well and truly suck at running, that seemed unlikely.

This created a weird situation since, by that point, I was involved in my IRONMAN training (in fact, the idea to do the IM came from some audiobooks that I was listening to trying to psych myself up to do this marathon.)

I’ve been working to increase my speed but it has become clear that it would be very touch and go as to whether or not I would be able to finish in 6.5 hours, and I have no desire to DNF a marathon I don’t have to do.

So I’m definitely doing another marathon before the IM, but it’s not going to be LA this year. At this point I’m not sure which one, I’m looking at options and working with my coach – there is a lot to take into account including location and travel, my race schedule leading up to the IM, do I want to find one with a longer time limit sooner, or give myself more time to pick up my pace etc.

Meanwhile I’m happy that I’m making really good progress on the spin bike, and my first attempt at swimming laps went way better than I had hoped!  The running is still by far the most difficult thing for me, but I’ll get there. I’m sad not to run the LA marathon this year but I’m excited to finish a marathon, an IM, and everything in between.

Since the marathon training is getting swept up into the IM training, I’m going to move all of the updates to the IronFat blog, so if you are interested in keeping up with my progress you can check out (and even subscribe if you want) www.IronFat.com. Thanks to everyone for your continued well wishes and support, it really does mean the world to me!

Like this blog?  Here’s more cool stuff:

If you’re looking for fun fitness stuff to do in the New Year without any diet talk, weight loss talk, or body shaming, but with lots of fun, flexibility, and body positivity, check out the Fit Fatties Forum Virtual Event Challenge!

Become a Member For ten bucks a month you can support size diversity activism, help keep the blog ad free, and get deals from size positive businesses as a thank you.  Click here for details

Buy the book:  Fat:  The Owner’s Manual  The E-Book is Name Your Own Price! Click here for details

Book Me!  I’d love to speak to your organization. You can get more information on topics, previous engagements and reviews here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org!

Dance Classes:  Buy the Dance Class DVDs or download individual classes – Every Body Dance Now! Click here for details 

A movie about my time as a dancer is in active development (casting, finding investors etc.).  Follow the progress on Facebook!

If you are uncomfortable with my offering things for sale on this site, you are invited to check out this post.

 

 

 

A small study found that fat women who like their bodies have better sex than fat women who don’t.  I spent some time trying to muster surprise but I just can’t find any.  One of the things that I will never understand is these people who insist that not only do we have to be thin to be healthy, but that the only way to do that is to hate the bodies that we have now.  The concept of hating ourselves healthy and or thin (two separate things, let’s remember) has always seemed ridiculous to me.  In fact, the concept of attempting to make any choices from a basis of self-loathing seems like a terrible idea.

We live in a culture where people consider weight bullying to be everything from a public service to a super fun past-time, and where billion dollar industries make their money by convincing us that we are not good enough and that we should be terrified of never being good enough (and that we should buy their products to try to get better or at least keep from getting worse.)  People of all sizes internalize that message and that’s a problem because people don’t take good care of things that they hate and that includes their bodies.

One of the things about Size Acceptance that I think is undervalued for people of all sizes is the option to like yourself right now, exactly as you are, and then make choices for your health and your life. The idea that you can build a life from a perspective of liking and appreciating your body, rather than hoping that you can do something, buy something, be something – anything – to just hate yourself a little less.

If we, as a culture, really want to look at public health threats then I think that we should take all of the time, money and attention that is currently focused on body size and instead focus it on those who spread a message of body shame and self-loathing – from the weight bullies to the “for your own good-ers” These people are the true public health threat.  They try to convince us that our bodies are unworthy, and if they succeed it means that people often believe that their bodies are unworthy of care.  They create an environment where people are scared to move their bodies for fear of shaming, scared to go to the doctor for fear of being ignored, shamed or made the non-consenting subject of experimental medical treatments.  They create an environment where our food choices are moralized and scrutinized by strangers,  and we are told that our own bodies can’t be trusted and should be ignored in lieu of advice that seems highly questionable.

People who perpetuate self -loathing and who engage in weight bullying (under any guise including “trying to help” or “for your own good” or “for the good of society”) are a real and direct threat to public health and it’s time to stop focusing on the bodies of other people and start focusing on changing a culture that encourages self-loathing as the gateway to the good life.

Like this blog?  Here’s more cool stuff:

If you’re looking for fun fitness stuff to do in the New Year without any diet talk, weight loss talk, or body shaming, but with lots of fun, flexibility, and body positivity, check out the Fit Fatties Forum Virtual Event Challenge!

Become a Member For ten bucks a month you can support size diversity activism, help keep the blog ad free, and get deals from size positive businesses as a thank you.  Click here for details

Buy the book:  Fat:  The Owner’s Manual  The E-Book is Name Your Own Price! Click here for details

Book Me!  I’d love to speak to your organization. You can get more information on topics, previous engagements and reviews here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org!

Dance Classes:  Buy the Dance Class DVDs or download individual classes – Every Body Dance Now! Click here for details 

I’m training for an IRONMAN! You can follow my journey at www.IronFat.com

A movie about my time as a dancer is in active development (casting, finding investors etc.).  Follow the progress on Facebook!

If you are uncomfortable with my offering things for sale on this site, you are invited to check out this post.

Today I’ve received several hundred emails from people who are dreading the holiday because their families treat them poorly because of their size – which is bullshit, obviously. For many people, holidays are filled with fun family get togethers and happy memories and festivities. For many people, it’s very much not.

People for whom “the holidays” aren’t so happy often don’t feel like they can talk about it, which makes it extra suck.  So I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge that and let you know that this is a safe space, and to provide some resources:

Dealing with family and friends food police

Combating holiday weight shame

The Holiday Boundary Song

Dealing with people who can’t handle you setting boundaries

There is a discussion thread about this over on Shakesville.

Like this blog?  Here’s more cool stuff:

If you’re looking for a fun fitness stuff in the New Year without any diet talk, weight loss talk, or body shaming, but with lots of fun, flexibility, and body positivity, check out the Fit Fatties Forum Virtual Event Challenge!

Become a Member For ten bucks a month you can support size diversity activism, help keep the blog ad free, and get deals from size positive businesses as a thank you.  Click here for details

Buy the book:  Fat:  The Owner’s Manual  The E-Book is Name Your Own Price! Click here for details

Book Me!  I’d love to speak to your organization. You can get more information on topics, previous engagements and reviews here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org!

Dance Classes:  Buy the Dance Class DVDs or download individual classes – Every Body Dance Now! Click here for details 

I’m training for an IRONMAN! You can follow my journey at www.IronFat.com

A movie about my time as a dancer is in active development (casting, finding investors etc.).  Follow the progress on Facebook!

If you are uncomfortable with my offering things for sale on this site, you are invited to check out this post.

Yesterday in response to my post about boundary setting for family and friends food police, I suggested that one option for creating a boundary with a consequence attached was to say “It is not ok to talk about my weight or eating. If anyone says one more thing about my weight or eating I’m going to leave” and then, if they fail to respect your boundaries, it’s time to go. I got the following comment in response, I think it’s a question that lots of people have and I want to address it:

But, if you just get up and leave, they will likely say that you are doing so because you “can’t handle the truth”, are “lying to yourself”, etc. If they don’t say it, they may at least THINK it. How would you and/or your readers deal with a possibility such as this?

One of the benefits of having so many haters so obsessed with me is that I get criticized for nearly every single thing I do or say – every blog post, Facebook post, Youtube video, etc. If I say that I like tea, there will be a thread on Reddit within 5 minutes about how I’m a liar and I really like coffee. This can actually be a really good thing since, though I don’t think I’d give into it, I’m never tempted to behave in a way that I think could avoid criticism, since I’ll be criticized no matter what I do. It has also solidified my answer to my commenter’s  question from yesterday, which is this:

They may well think or say those things.  If there’s anything that I’ve learned from my haters, it’s that people will go to any length to justify their prejudice to themselves and anyone who will listen.  I cannot control what people think of me, nor can I control their behavior.  I don’t care what people think, I care how they treat me in my presence.

So when I say “It is not ok to talk about my weight or eating. If anyone says one more thing about my weight or eating I’m going to leave.”  I’m not trying to control what people think – they can think whatever the hell they want, I am stating clearly what behavior I will and will not tolerate, and what I will do if they continue the behavior that I find offensive.

If they continue discussing my weight or eating and I leave, it’s not to control what they think – it’s to remove myself from a situation that is outside of what I will put up with.

If people want to spend time with me they have to treat me a certain way, which includes not body shaming or food policing me.  So while they are allowed to think whatever they want about me, my body, and my food choices, they are 100% responsible for keeping those thoughts to themselves if they want to spend time with me (and they are under no obligation to want to spend time with me, of course.)

Most of the people in my life with whom I’ve had to set this boundary have been able to pull it together and behave appropriately.  There are a few who haven’t, and they don’t get to spend time with me anymore.  I don’t know or care what they think about me, as long as I don’t have to put up with it. Of course your mileage may vary, but I’ve found that – when it comes to family and friends food police – if I stop focusing on what people think and start focusing on what I want, things become better right away.

Like this blog?  Here’s more cool stuff:

If you’re looking for a fitness challenge in the New Year without any diet talk, weight loss talk, or body shaming, check out the Fit Fatties Forum Virtual Event Challenge!

Become a Member For ten bucks a month you can support size diversity activism, help keep the blog ad free, and get deals from size positive businesses as a thank you.  Click here for details

Buy the book:  Fat:  The Owner’s Manual  The E-Book is Name Your Own Price! Click here for details

Book Me!  I’d love to speak to your organization. You can get more information on topics, previous engagements and reviews here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org!

Dance Classes:  Buy the Dance Class DVDs or download individual classes – Every Body Dance Now! Click here for details 

I’m training for an IRONMAN! You can follow my journey at www.IronFat.com

A movie about my time as a dancer is in active development (casting, finding investors etc.).  Follow the progress on Facebook!

If you are uncomfortable with my offering things for sale on this site, you are invited to check out this post.

One of the most frequent questions I get during the holidays is about how to deal with family who are behaving badly.

For me the secret is boundaries. I think it’s best to start by deciding what constitutes behavior that you will put up with. If it’s anything other than “anything goes” then I would consider setting some boundaries with consequences that you can follow through with. So, for example “It is not ok to talk about my weight or eating. If anyone says one more thing about my weight or eating I’m going to leave.” and then, if they fail to respect your boundaries, it’s time to go.

I’ve heard from a number of people who have done this and the common thread seems to be that they only had to do it one time and then their families started respecting their boundaries. Of course your mileage may vary. I’ve written about dealing with the Family and Friends Food Police and Combating Holiday Weight Shame, but today I thought I would do it in song.

To serve as a reminder, I’ve re-written the lyrics to “Oh Christmas Tree” to be an ode to boundary setting, and the post is now a Dances With Fat tradition.

Note 1: In order for this to work, it helps to pronounce boundaries as a three syllable word (BOUND-ah-rees) If this is an affront to your sense of poetic license I completely understand, I’ll be back tomorrow with a post sans song.

Note 2: At the bottom you’ll find two amazing renditions of this song by Jeanette DePatie (aka The Fat Chick) and Nadja. Please also feel free to add your own verses in the comments, and/or post a video with your own rendition.

Oh Boundaries! Oh Boundaries! You help me deal with family.

Don’t talk about my weight or food.
Why can’t you see it’s hella rude?

Oh Boundaries! Oh Boundaries! You help me deal with family.

You know I love my family
But I will leave if you fat-shame me.

Oh Boundaries! Oh Boundaries! You help me deal with family.

My body’s fine, I don’t need your rants
You’re not the boss of my underpants

Oh Boundaries! Oh Boundaries! You help me deal with family.

Don’t say a word to my fat kid
Or I’ll leave so fast, my tires will skid

Oh Boundaries! Oh Boundaries! You help me deal with family.

Yes I do “need” that second plate
It’s not your business what I ate

Oh Boundaries! Oh Boundaries! You help me deal with family.

Quit saying someday I’ll get sick
Last time I checked you were not psychic

Oh Boundaries! Oh Boundaries! You help me deal with family.

The holidays are great family time
If you don’t shame, food-police or whine

Oh Boundaries! Oh Boundaries! You help me deal with family.

Two Readers (so far – hint, hint) have taken up the challenge of recording this piece, enjoy!

Jeanette DePatie (aka The Fat Chick) gave us an amazing opera/jazz rendition:

and Nadja killed it a capella in the middle of the night in her PJs:

Like this blog?  Here’s more cool stuff:

If you’re looking for a fitness challenge in the New Year without any diet talk, weight loss talk, or body shaming, check out the Fit Fatties Forum Virtual Event Challenge!

Become a Member For ten bucks a month you can support size diversity activism, help keep the blog ad free, and get deals from size positive businesses as a thank you.  Click here for details

Buy the book:  Fat:  The Owner’s Manual  The E-Book is Name Your Own Price! Click here for details

Book Me!  I’d love to speak to your organization. You can get more information on topics, previous engagements and reviews here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org!

Dance Classes:  Buy the Dance Class DVDs or download individual classes – Every Body Dance Now! Click here for details 

I’m training for an IRONMAN! You can follow my journey at www.IronFat.com

A movie about my time as a dancer is in active development (casting, finding investors etc.).  Follow the progress on Facebook!

If you are uncomfortable with my offering things for sale on this site, you are invited to check out this post.