The “holiday season” means being bombarded with ridiculous diet advice (“The Holidays are Coming” being one third of the Dieting Axis of Evil along with “New Years Resolutions” and “Bikini Season is Coming”.) Since you’re likely to have to deal with this whether you celebrate the holidays or not, in another DancesWithFat annual tradition I’ve compiled a list of so-called holiday diet tips from actual serious online articles, with thoughts on why we might be better off skipping each of them:
10 Diet Tips You’ve Never Heard Before!
You’ve totally heard these tips before. They didn’t work then, they don’t work now, they will never work.
Start Our Program Now and Get a Head Start on Your New Years Resolution
If you start earlier, you can fail at weight loss sooner while giving the diet industry (who are fully aware of the massive failure rate of their product) a boost on their fourth quarter earnings. Or, you know, not.
Eat a Big Bowl of Fiber Cereal and Drink Lots of Water Before A Party to Avoid Snacking.
Spend the party in the bathroom with your friends awkwardly knocking and asking if you’re ok while you miss out on delicious snacks.
Buy Your Party Outfit a Month Early and a Size Too Small for Inspiration to Lose that Last 10 Pounds
Frantically search through your closet on party day for something, anything, that fits and is party appropriate, end up going to the party uncomfortable in an outfit that’s too small.
Save Your Calories For the Party by Eating Very Little During the Day
Show up at the party absolutely ravenous, bribe a cater waiter to get your hands on an entire tray of shrimp puffs, scarf them in the bathroom.
Make low-calorie egg nog with skim milk, egg substitutes, and artificial sweeteners.
Oh…I just…I can’t even…Just… Ok, by the underpants rule you can totally make this beverage if you want and I will support you in drinking it – whether it just sounds good to you or it works or food allergies/sensitivities, whatever – as long as you support me in not drinking it. Ever.
Only Eat Desserts that Are Truly a Sensual Experience for You
This author has a different relationship with food than I do… I’m looking for desserts that taste good, not desserts that turn me on. I would change this to “only eat desserts that you want to, and that aren’t expired or poisonous.”
Don’t Taste The Food While You Cook – Those Calories Add Up
Serve your guests delicious-looking appetizers that taste like a salt lick, or like nothing at all, who knows? If only there was a way to tell how the food tastes before we give it to other people… The person who wrote this article obviously never watched Hell’s Kitchen or Chopped.
Choose Foods that Won’t Make You Feel Guilty the Next Day
Here’s the super secret trick to guilt-free eating: Eat. Don’t feel guilty about it. Done.
Bring Fruits and Veggies to Parties and Work and Remind People About Their Weight Goals, They’ll Thank You!
They will not thank you. They may, in fact, throat punch you. There’s nothing wrong with bringing fruits and veggies to the party, there may well be something wrong with being what Southerners call a “superior sumbitch,” and you may be able to avoid that by skipping the second part of this advice. Instead consider “Bring fruits and veggies to parties and work and then shut up about it – find something more interesting to talk about than weight goals.”
Enjoy Fat Free Mock Versions of Your Favorite Holiday Foods, You’ll Never Miss the Full Fat Variety
I doubt that very much, and I do not think that the words “mock” and “food” should be put together, but of course that’s just me.
Divide Foods into Naughty and Nice
Use the holidays to ease yourself into a disordered relationship with food.
Don’t Read Articles About Holiday Diet Tips
You caught me, this one didn’t come from an article, it’s my advice – take it or leave it.
Portland Area Readers: I’m coming to Portland, OR! Join me for talks, dance, and yoga!
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