I received yet another  spam comment calling me a liar today (“5’4 and 280 pounds is not healthy and you’re just deluding yourself if you think it is. There is no way that you can work out the way you say you do and eat the way you say you do and still be that fat.  You are not healthy and you need to get real, stop gorging yourself and get to the gym”)  Luckily I don’t weigh 280, I weigh 284 so I assume that I’m good and this comment would only be true were I to weigh 280.

So I was pondering this.  Specifically I was wondering  how these people end up on my blog and why they bother to take the time to leave the comment.  I’ve never felt the desire to seek out people who’ve made different choices than I have and tell them that I think they are wrong.  Then I started to think about the number of people who have called me a liar when I’ve told them  them what I do and they’ve seen what I weigh.  It’s not just perfect strangers on the internet.  I’ve been called a liar by doctors, nurses, nutritionists, family members, friends, dance teachers, dance judges, personal trainers and that’s just the people who said it to my face.

It occurred to me what a wonderful tool this is if your sense of superiority is dependent upon keeping the status quo.  Just as a random hypothetical example, if you feel like you are better than fat people because you are thin and therefore it’s obvious that you have more self-control, more health, and you love yourself because you are thin,  it might be really threatening if you found out that there are fat people who are also healthy and happy and love themselves.  If you can call them liars – make them and others believe that they are not competent witnesses to their own experience and that you know better – then you can keep the status quo and your sense of superiority is not threatened.

Or maybe you’ve found that although you are thin, all of your life’s problems have not been solved.  So you figure that if you can go and  take a happy fatty down a peg or two at least you’ll feel better about yourself.

Or maybe you’ve lost weight (and you’re in the first 5 years, or you are part of the magical 5% who can keep it off long-term), and you are for some reason unable to grasp the concept that your experience is not everyone’s experience and so you feel the need to try to tell other people that they don’t have a right to their experience because they need to have yours.

No matter what your deal is, let me just say this:  How fucking dare you call me a liar and try to tell me that I’m not a competent witness to my own experience.  You can go to hell. Thank you.  Your friend, Ragen.

The MPDA Conference: Marketing to the Overweight American will take place at the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Silver Spring, MD on September 27-28, 2011. The MPDA Conference: Marketing to the Overweight American is designed for marketers of products or services such as drugs, devices, diets, supplements, meal replacements, and services designed to help overweight Americans lose weight and improve their quality of life. This conference will feature best in class speakers as well as case studies, market analyses, behavioral research, and regulatory discussions designed to make sure your weight loss products and services are marketed in the most effective fashion to the consumers who are most in need of their benefits. This conference is a great way for anyone in the weight loss industry to immediately improve the ROI of their weight loss product by better understanding the target market of the overweight American as well as benchmark against best practices from other products in your industry and viable substitute products for your target consumer in other industries.

This was forwarded to me on a body positive listserve that I’m part of.  I haven’t been able to find it on Google so it’s unverified, but stick with me a minute on it:

If it’s a real thing and  if I thought I could go spy on this conference without going all medieval on someone I would.

In the meantime, here’s my guess at the session line-up:

Manipulating Statics:  How to convince people of anything, and get the news to run it as fact.  Case Study:  Ob*sity costs the workplace billions of dollars

Lowering Self-Esteem:  People will buy more weight loss products if we can convince them that they can’t love themselves until they are thin.

Advanced Conflation:  We can sell a ton of crap if we can make people believe that health and weight are the same thing.

VFHT- The Secret Weapon:  Combat those pesky healthy fat people with the Vague Future Health Threat by telling them that they can’t possibly be fat and healthy because they will die someday.

Lessons from The Biggest Loser: Convince people to pay you and thank you for treating them as sub-human.  Bonus points if you make them cry and vomit.

Won’t Somebody Please Think of the Children:  Bring kids into it to increase the panic response and decrease logic among those still noticing our horrible research and success rates.  Get CNN and the First Lady involved if you can.

Sell ‘Em Anything:  Once we’ve convinced people that the only way to be healthy, attractive, and worthy of love is to be thin, we can sell them almost anything. Case study:  The Twinkie Diet

At the end of the day, let’s remember that this is on us.  Nobody sells stuff to us, – we buy it.  Whether or not this particular conference is actually happening,  we know that a  lot of time, energy and money is expended by the diet industry figuring out how best to get fat people to buy their stuff.  I’m going to go out on a limb and say if any of the stuff actually did what they say it does, they wouldn’t need to have a conference or all that marketing to sell it to people.

Let’s be smarter than hype and marketing.

I have seen some online discussion recently of whether or not Glee is promoting ob*sity.  I’m not going into plot lines but it appears to be because two fat characters (both cis women) have high self-esteem, have at least one man who is interested in them, and are not on diets.

First I thought maybe I didn’t understand the meaning of “promote”, so I looked it up:

• to help or encourage to exist or flourish; further: to promote world peace.
• to advance in rank, dignity, position, etc. ( opposed to demote).

• to encourage the sales, acceptance, etc., of (a product), especially through advertising or other publicity.

Let’s look at the first two.  Now, at least according to standardized testing, I’m a reasonably smart girl.  But I’m having trouble wrapping my head around the concept.  The idea that, in a society where fat people receive 386,170 negative messages A YEAR about how we are unattractive, unhealthy, unworthy etc; that showing two fat girls who actually like themselves is going to encourage ob*sity to flourish.  I’m having an awfully difficult time imagining that people will see two fat people who don’t hate themselves and say “Wow, ob*sity is way cooler than it sounded the other 386,170 times I heard about it.  I want to be fat!   How can I get that done?”

Looking at third point, let me try to re-construct this argument:

Showing fat people who like themselves and have success in life and love might make other fat people think that’s possible for them, and that’s a bad thing.  If fat people are going to be portrayed in the media, we need to make sure that they are shown as miserable, unhealthy and self-loathing.  That way,  fat people watching will realize that they can never be happy and that they too should be miserable, unhealthy, and self-loathing because this will encourage them to be healthy.

And I think that’s a bunch of crap.

I would guess that people who publicly complain that showing healthy, happy fat people is promoting obesity are most likely in it for themselves – maybe to feel superior, maybe because they want to rail about something.  Maybe because they feel that personal responsibility means that they get to set the standards of health and beauty and everyone else is personally responsible for fitting into them.  If you really care about the health of others,  I don’t think that you would be interested in lowering their self-esteem as a first step.

I don’t have research on this but I do not personally believe that the best way to help someone take good care of their body is to convince them to hate that body and feel unattractive, unhealthy, and unworthy.  I just don’t think that a cogent argument can be made that self-loathing is the yellow brick road to health.

Bottom line:  If shaming people made them healthy we wouldn’t need doctors in this country.  If diets made people thin and healthy (note that these are two separate things) then, after spending over $60,000,000,000 a year on them, we would all be thin and healthy.   Since that’s not working at all, I think it would be just dandy if we all were allowed to make our own choices about our health and have those choices respected.  For me, I choose to believe that healthy behaviors have the best chance to creating a healthy body, certainly better than betting on a less than 5% chance of just being smaller than I am now.

I got an e-mail today from a reader who prefers to remain anonymous asking for my opinion about the Silly Love Songs episode of GLEE and asking me to blog about fat dating for Valentine’s day.  I’m not going to blog about Glee yet because it’s pretty new and I want to see where it’s going.  But I will blog about fat dating.

All of the quotes you are about to read are from my actual love life, such as it has been.  I agree with Marie Osmond about at least one thing: If you’re going to look back and laugh, you might as well laugh now – so feel free.  To be clear, the “bitter, jaded and proud of it”, the “hot and cold”, the “mamma’s boy”, the “liar liar pants on fire”, and the “Why Work on Your Issues When You Can Make Them Your Identity”  all have their place on the list of dating don’ts that I did.  But this particular blog is just about the ones that relate being a fatty.  Enjoy:

My Funny Valentine

This declaration of love could not mince more, and typically includes a super-awkward pause followed by an equally awkward, stilted euphemism, finishing up with some quality speed talking:  “Sure, you’re…, …, …, a… little on the…you know… big…ger side, butIlikeyouanyway.”   With a little more practice you might get “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts” [sincere smile].

A date once serenaded me, in front of people, with the song My Funny Valentine.  I gave myself a headache trying to smile and keep the horror out of my eyes as I heard the words “Your looks are laughable, unphotographable …Is your figure less than greek? Is your mouth a little meek?  When your open it to speak, are you smart?”

Yeah…no.  If your declaration of love includes any phrase that means “in spite of”, or if you’re hoping to get some after calling my looks laughable, you should probably rethink your strategy because I’m going to hold out for a better offer.

The Only Exception

I can’t even count the number of times that someone who has been interested in dating me has told me “I’ve never been attracted to big girls, but I’m attracted to you”.

I suppose I could be flattered, but I never am.  For one thing, this often turns out to be just a “My Funny Valentine” in disguise.  Even if it’s not, after we’d been dating for a while I found that dating someone who doesn’t find people who look like me attractive is disconcerting at best.  That’s my issue for sure but it just doesn’t work for me. Moving right along…

Does. Not. Get. It.

I’m very clear about being a Size Acceptance activist and practicing Health at Every Size (as you may have noticed).  And yet even after having lots of open, honest communication I’ve had to walk out on dates that included calorie counting and weight loss advice.  I know (but did not date) someone who who prefers fat girls, but believes us all to be  unhealthy and destined for health issues. I could not deal with that.

The bottom line:

I hate to do two quotes in one blog (ok, I totally don’t because I’m an inspiration junkie):  Better alone than in bad company. (Thank you George Washington).  You decide what you deserve.  I know a lot of people who’ve consciously settled for less than they wanted, and I’ve certainly given it the old college try.  But for me, I’ve decided that I absolutely deserve someone who loves not just the present that is me, but the gift wrap as well.

Bonus Bad Date:

Astonishingly Stoopid

This is an extension of Does. Not. Get. It. that was so out of control that it got it’s own post:  Reading Comprehension in the Age of Internet Dating

I watched the Documentary No Impact Man.  It’s the story of a family who decided to try to have no net impact on the environment for one year.  They went HARD CORE.  They gave up all transportation except walking, bikes and scooters.  They turned off the electricity in their New York City apartment.  They used cloth instead of toilet paper.  I mean they went hard core.  He was very clear that he was not saying that everyone has to do this, just that he wanted to draw attention to the problem, live a life in alignment with his principles, and encourage people to do what they can.  Still, I looked at my recycle bin and felt woefully inadequate.

I wonder if people feel this way about their eating.   So many extreme diets and food plans are shoved our way – we are told that the secret to health is to:

• give up all carbs
• eat no wheat
• eat no dairy
• eat reconstituted soy protein bars and shakes 5 times a day
• drink a thin chocolate laxative drink twice a day
• eat a diet predominantly comprised of food made of a breakfast cereal
• give up all processed foods forever
• eat vegan
• eat macrobiotic
• eat a raw foods diet

It can make you doubt that basic, balanced, healthy eating can ever work.  I once allowed myself to be talked into a “cleanse” during which I gave up wheat, gluten, meat, sugar, caffeine and dairy for three months.  I did not feel good.  I did not lose weight. I did feel like I was back in my eating disorder.  That experience helped me decide that I was going to find a way to be healthy and sane.  I eat very well, I exercise a lot, I am in great health.  If my occasional fast food lunch kills me 6 months early then I can accept that.  I talked before about what happens if I’m wrong and I die of fatness.

So may I suggest that if you feel like you’d like to be healthier, just be healthier a little at a time.  Check in with your body, if you don’t feel good after eating a particular food maybe eat something else.  It doesn’t mean that you have to commit to a strict eating plan for the rest of your life. Feeling thirsty?  Have some water.  It doesn’t mean you have to drink 250 ounces of water today and spend the night on the toilet.  Feel like going for a walk?  Go.  Don’t try to plan how you are going to workout for the next seven years, don’t wonder if it will really burn enough calories to be worth it.  If you think you’ll feel good if you go for a walk,  just go.  If there are habits that you want to start, start one at a time. Celebrate small victories.

I still think that there is a place in the world for a life of making lots of healthy choices and some not so healthy ones, remaining balanced and  healthy not just physically but mentally as well.  It’s just a suggestion.  It’s certainly not as sexy as all those “lose 100 pounds in 2 minutes by eating only steamed lettuce and shrimp” diets, but it works for me.

About an hour ago I received, out of the blue, an e-mail from someone who I met at a business networking lunch that I attend.  She is a debt settlement consultant and I think that we may have spent a grand total of 5 minutes talking to each other ever.

She asked me to share her information with my readers.  Well readers, here you go.  Let me preface this by saying that I’m aware that getting angry can backfire  because I subject myself to the “See, she’s just an angry fat girl” supposition. Well today I am an angry fat girl who has been disrespected one too many times, and this is my blog so people may suppose away!

(Warning, the excerpts from her e-mail may be a big triggering and/or rage-inducing, feel free to skip the italic parts if you don’t want to deal with it):

The subject line was “Your Blog”.  I think that one of most radical things that you can be is an optimist so I choose to assume, when reading subject lines like this, that the e-mail is going to be an interesting question, comment or suggestion from a reader, or a request for an interview or something.  Happily I’m right more than I am wrong but not today.

It started with her telling me about her weight loss over the last 60 days and how her clothes don’t fit anymore.  It should also be noted that she currently has cancer.

Do you want to know what the secret to losing weight is

Had the e-mail stopped there, we wouldn’t have had a problem.   No I don’t, thanks for asking. But of course it didn’t…

not necessarily for you but for your readers who have resigned themselves to the weight they currently are?

Are you kidding me?  First of all, that’s just no kind of dichotomy.  Also… what????

She goes on as if she never said “not necessarily for you” making assumptions about what I eat, ending with:

Even for me, doing without something canned, boxed or bagged, when serving dinner to my boys, it’s hard…

“Even for me”? Upon what pedestal do you presume to be perched?  I don’t know a thing about you lady, and so far I gotta tell you, I’m underwhelmed.

What’s interesting about weight loss at my age (54) is it doesn’t come off in the right places. I’m still in size 8/10 because my waist isn’t trim – I still look fat naked! I have a membership to Golds Gym, but I only go once every two weeks, but I walk my dog regularly for 2 miles.

What could you possibly be trying to accomplish by saying this?  Do you just feel that a good disrespectful e-mail should include a little internalized oppression and body shaming?  Do you think I’ll think “Oh, she’s fat like me – now we’ve bonded”?  What?

And then this little gem:

I share this with you because no matter how much you exercise, your body will remain toxic and eventually cause disease.

Fuck off.  How dare you – who do you think you are trying to instill fatphobia-based fear into my life?  Fuck right the hell off.

Someone is going to leave a comment that I’m being a bitch, over-reacting,  and that this person is well meaning and just trying to help me and I should take it in the spirit that it was given. (That’s probably what my mom would tell me, if she could figure out how to comment – Hi Mom, I love you!).

To that person (even if it’s my mom) I say:  Not respecting my very well researched and thought out choices is NOT trying to help me, it’s just disrespecting me.  Threatening me with future ill health and disease if I don’t believe what you believe is not trying to help me, it’s just threatening me.  It’s being paternalistic and patronizing and it’s not ok with me, go bother someone who will put up with this shit.  I covered this in  I’m Ok, You’re Ok the Fat version.

My full response to her is below but, in summary, I will never understand people who do this.  I don’t go out to weight loss blogs and tell people to stop doing what they’re doing and try health at every size, I never try to tell anyone how to live.  I’ve built a little corner of the web from which I do my best to present an option that has been amazing and effective for me and is backed up by the science that I’ve seen.  People can choose to read the blog or not and people can choose to take my option or not and that’s fine.   Why are some people incapable of respecting that?  Geez.

At any rate, here is my full response:

ML,

I think that your e-mail is completely inappropriate and disrespectful. I find it to be paternalistic in the worst possible connotation and I find that it makes inaccurate and baseless assumptions and claims about my health, my diet, the mental state of my readers, and the likely benefits of eating a diet free from processed foods. My health choices are very well researched and thought out and I did not ask for your advice on health or weight loss.  Indeed, since your subject line is “your blog” I have to assume that you either haven’t read the blog, lack the reading comprehension to understand it (especially the sections about realizing that your experience is not everyone’s experience), or lack the basic ability to respect my choices.  Regardless, I find you to be completely out of line.

I find it inappropriate to assume what I, or any of my readers, eat based on our weight – what is shiny and new to you I have been practicing for years which, along with genetics, access, and an uncanny ability to not buy into our society’s bullshit about weight and health, may explain why I enjoy perfect health.

I have no earthly idea what could have made you think that I would consider you qualified to inform me about foods or health or really anything with the possible exception of debt settlement as that is your chosen profession.

To answer the question that you answered for me by continuing with your unsolicited diatribe: No, I do not want to know your secret to weight loss.  Especially considering that you have an n=1, uncontrolled experiment that has lasted 60 days. 95% of people gain their weight back within 5 years; so when you have an experiment with properly controlled variables, a statistically significant sample size, and an impressive finding of causal success after five years, then I will be willing to review it.  Until then, I’ll be happy to maintain a pleasant professional relationship but I respectfully request that you refrain from entering into discussions with me regarding weight or health.

Please feel free to read this post for additional clarity:
https://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2010/10/04/side-effects-may-include-weight-loss/

I will be sharing this with my readers.

Very Sincerely,

Ragen Chastain

I’m aware that our thin-no-matter-what culture has negative effects that go well beyond the fat community.  Still, some days I have moments when I’m struck with a blinding flash of the obvious about just how bad it can be.

I was at the gym doing leg presses with 470 pounds on the rack. While I was working two women walked up and decided to wait for the machine.  They were both thin, college age.  They are apparently bartenders (which is weird because this same thing came up last week in another conversation) and one of the women was telling the other that a customer was getting rowdy last night and she couldn’t find anyone to help her, and that she was often really scared when customers get drunk and disorderly because she could “barely lift a pint, let alone fend off a big guy”.

I finished my last set and hopped off.  As they came over she said “wow, that’s a lot of weight” (not in a complimentary way).   I asked them how much weight they wanted me to to rack.  She requested that I remove all of the weight.  As I cleared my side, she was still struggling with one of the 45lb plates. We finally cleared it and she said she wanted to rack 20lbs.  I picked up a 20 to put on one side and she said no, she meant 20 altogether, 10 on each side.

As I walked away she commented to her friend “See, that’s what I mean about not lifting heavy weights so you don’t bulk up”.

And that was the blinding flash of the obvious.  This woman was so afraid of looking like me, of being fat, that she was willing to sacrifice her sense of  personal safety and strength.

First let’s be clear:  I believe that nobody deserves violence, if someone attacks you it is their fault and whether or not you can protect yourself has nothing to do with the fact that they are 100% wrong. This is not a blame the victim situation.

What I am saying is that this woman has concerns for her physical safety every day at work, and from what she said it sounds like the only reason she is not addressing those concerns by becoming stronger might be the (completely irrational*) fear that she might look fat.

*Completely irrational:  She is small framed and just as no amount of dieting could make me look like her, no amount of weight lifting could make her look like me.  (Especially since I am a combination of a lot of muscle and a lot of fat). Even if she did steroids I think she would end up looking like a strong little dude and not at all like me.

It also made me wonder how much the popular photoshop removal of muscles (creating that oh-so-realistic “I’m Gumby Dammit” look) makes women afraid of having visible strength.

I have to say that one of my favorite things about being me is my strength.  I can always lift whatever I need and I’m never physically intimidated.  I have the calm awareness that I can handle myself in almost every physical situation.  I can open my own jars.  That’s not to say my experience will be anyone else’s experience or that every should be like me. It’s  just that to deny yourself the option because of an irrational fear of being fat seems like a shame to me.

You’ve read the headlines.  “Obesity has become an epidemic”.  OMGdeathfatiscomingforyouwontsomebodypleasethinkofthechildren.

When they say obesity is an epidemic they just mean that a lot of people are obese (and let’s remember that in 1998 a panel that included many representatives from the diet industry convinced the NIH to change the definitions of overweight and obese which changed 25 million people’s status literally overnight).  It can’t properly be used as a medical term because obesity is not a disease.  Nothing is proven to be caused by obesity, and obese people do not share “symptoms” other than the “diagnosis” itself – and you have to wonder about a “diagnosis” that is nothing more than a simple calculation about the ratio of your height to your weight, with absolutely no other common characteristics among carriers.  I’m trying to think of any disease where the only tool to diagnose is the person’s body size and I can’t think of a single one.

The problem with the idea of an obesity epidemic is that the word “epidemic” conjures up images of the plague and everybody starts to panic about what we’re going to do.  So now instead of public health being about making information and options available to the public, it’s become about making fat people’s bodies the public’s business. And a huge amount of resources are poured into trying to make fat  people’s bodies smaller – completely overlooking the fact that becoming smaller only works 5% of the time and there’s not proof that it will make you any healthier than you would be if you just engaged in healthy behaviors if that’s what interests you.

Far worse is that the articles are almost always accompanied by pictures like this one:

This is a picture of Diane.  She is a lawyer who works with Moms to collect back child support.  For fun she runs 10k’s and this weekend she’s going to complete her twentieth 10k, she hopes in her best time ever. Diane is the obesity epidemic.

This is Joe.  He is a loving and devoted father of three girls. He owns his own business and has five employees who he treats like his own family.  Joe is the obesity epidemic.

Of course I made all of that up, but it’s better than a headless picture and a bunch of stereotypes.  People are lots of different sizes for lots of different reasons.  Health is not an obligation, a barometer of worthiness, entirely within our control, or a guarantee.  Fat people have the right to exist in fat bodies and it doesn’t matter why we’re fat, what being fat means, or if we could be thin by some means however easy or difficult.  Fat people have the right to exist, period.  Nobody knows these people’s story how dare anyone think that it’s their place to fill in the blanks and then pass judgment?

Here’s another headless fatty:

This is Ragen.  She has no interest in engaging in the good fatty bad fatty dichotomy.

Oh look, that headless fatty is me.  Hi! I’m the obesity epidemic.

The next time you read an article about the obesity epidemic and see a picture  of a headless fatty beside it, challenge yourself to realize that you don’t know the first thing about that person and that the community of fat people is WAY to diverse to be clumped up and called an epidemic.  It’s time that we start to call a spade a spade here and realize that this is just lazy, sensationalized reporting masquerading as facts and news and my fat ass is calling bullshit.

 

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…would still have a 95% failure rate.

Ok Shakespeare I’m not, but in fairness he was a poet and I’m talking science.

I was having a conversation with someone recently and we started talking about the show “Heavy”.  I mentioned that my issue with the show is that I wish they would focus on increasing health through healthy habits rather than weight loss because the success rate of intentional weight loss is less than 5%.  One person at the table said “that’s why diets don’t work – you have to make a lifestyle change.”

No.  No No No No No NO NO NO NO.

First, to be clear, I am totally cool with people who want to diet and lose weight.  I’m not trying to tell anyone how to live.  However, since in their multi-billion dollar a year marketing campaign the diet industry works hard to cover the fact that they have a less than 5% success rate, I think that many people might not know that.  And since it stands to reason that a big part of the why the diet industry keeps making so much money is that 95% of people fail and a lot of those people blame themselves and turn around and start another diet, the industry has a vested interest in making us believe that the blame lies in the 95% of people who aren’t able to change their size over the long-term.  And so a lot of people don’t realize that the diet they are embarking upon is an endeavor that:

• has a greater than 95% chance of failing
• hasn’t been proven to make them any healthier
• has serious health risks.

So I thought I’d just put it out there.

For the record this isn’t just a fat girl thing.  I would be just as angry if 95% of people who took antiobiotics still had strep throat and they were being told that it was their fault.  Or if Viagara only worked 5% of the time and doctors were blaming the other 95% of guys for not trying hard enough.

Bottom line, if you attempt to make your body smaller on a long-term basis, then you have a less than 5% chance of success. You could call it a diet, an eating plan, a lifestyle change, a health plan, or a whizzywoo, you are still trying to decrease the size of your body over the long term and therefore you still have a greater than 95% chance of failure based on the best science available.

Again, I’m not trying to tell people whether to diet or not, I absolutely respect anyone’s choice, but I do think that dieting deserves a disclaimer.

I witnessed a conversation between two people I’ll call Ben and Angie.  In the context of the conversation,  Ben guessed that Angie weighed 150lbs.  She immediately said “No way, add 50 pounds to that”.  He said “I know, I was trying to be nice”.  She said “It’s ok, it’s a compliment”.

This is not the first time I’ve heard this conversation, it’s happened to me.  I think that it’s pretty common when weight is involved. I see some issues here:

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that purposely misrepresenting someone should maybe not constitute  “being nice”, since what that really seems to  indicate is that you think that what they actually are is not ok – that it is something to be ashamed of and lied about.

It’s fine for Angie to feel that it’s a “compliment” that someone purposely misrepresented her to be nice.  Angie is the boss of her underpants and allowed to choose whatever life experience she wants.

However, I think that in the meta-analysis, someone purposely misrepresenting who you are as a way to be “nice”  probably only works in this situation because we live in a culture that thinks that thin is the most valuable thing, and we choose to buy into that point of view.  Even if someone thinks it’s a compliment in the moment, I wonder what the effects are of  hoping that, and being happy when, someone is “trying to be nice” by guessing your weight at 50 pounds under what is true, considering that you’re living in a body that’s shown actual size.

Imagine if the conversation had been about something else – race, ethnicity, religion…even hair:

Ben:  “Angie, you have beautiful straight hair.”

Angie:  “No actually my hair is really curly, look,  you can see it curling”

Ben:  “I know, I was just trying to be nice”

Angie:  “Thanks, that’s totally a compliment”

Not so much.

When I identify as “fat” and people freak out – as they often do- they honest-to-god will say “You’re not fat”.

Instead of asking them “how many fingers am I holding up” I’ll sometimes say “No, I’m definitely fat – I weigh 284 pounds”.  They most often respond  “No way , I thought that you were no more than 150 or 175.”

Ok, that’s crazy talk.  I do not look more than 100 pounds lighter than I am.  But I don’t know if people really think that I am what 150 pounds looks like, or if they are just “trying to be nice”.  If it’s the latter then let me just be clear that I don’t think it’s a compliment to lie to me. Of course another option is that what they are saying is “You don’t fit my stereotypes of fat people”  – but that’ a whole ‘nother blog.

Just for the record:

This is what 284 pounds looks like (c’mon, you’ve got to admire all the ways I’m finding to work these pictures into this blog…)

I am 284 pounds of healthy athlete and I am proud my body and every single thing that it can do. You lying about my weight is not “being nice”, you’re either telling me that I should be ashamed of my weight, or you’re trying to shove your weight insecurities on me.  Either way, I’ll pass.

If you want to be nice to me then show some respect for who I am, what I look like, and what I can do.