To Those Who “Love” Fat People But Hate Our Fat

Talking NonsenseToday I want to talk about the people who say things like:  “We shouldn’t treat fat people badly, but they are unhealthy and we need to help them get thin and prevent other people from becoming fat.”  I understand that these people are trying, so I also try, really hard, not to say “Hey, fuck off.”  While this is certainly better than the “let’s shame, stigmatize, bully, and harass the shit out of fat people!” crowd, it’s still not ok.

The evidence is not nearly so cut and dried as people think when it comes to weight and health. But that doesn’t really matter because our health is between us and our chosen healthcare providers, not us and anyone who has an opinion.

While I appreciate someone treating me well, what I truly value is people respecting that I am the best witness to my experience. So when I say that my body is fine, that I’m happy with the path to health I’ve chosen, the proper response is “awesome”, not “Well, I don’t think you should be treated badly, but I do want to eradicate you and everyone who looks like you from the Earth and make sure that there are no more.”

I don’t intend to speak for anyone else, but for me – I am my body.  The actual body that I live in.  Someone either respects my body, or they don’t.  Loving the thin woman they believe lives inside me is unacceptable to me.  Because I know that there is no thin woman in there – I’m a fat woman who deserves to be treated with basic human respect regardless of what someone believes I could or should look like. I am the best witness to my experience, if someone wants to know about me – they should ask.  They should not guess, or worse, have the audacity to think that they know better than me about me.

When it comes to me, if you hate the fat then you’re not allowed to love this fatty.


This year we have a kick ass line up of speakers. This is a virtual conference so you can listen by phone or computer wherever you are, and you’ll receive recordings and transcripts of each talk so that you can listen/read on your own schedule. The Conference will be held September 23-25, 2016

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13 thoughts on “To Those Who “Love” Fat People But Hate Our Fat

  1. Yeah, it does seem like a two-faced crock of shit to say to/of someone, “I love you but hate your body.”

  2. I want to know how to help/support someone who says “love you, hate the fat body” to themselves; someone who holds the belief that there’s a thin woman, the real woman she is, hiding beneath her fat,

    Perhaps this will be addressed in the Fat Activism Conference?

  3. This is very reminiscent of that “hate the sin, love the sinner” bullshit I get from homophobes. Bleh. Keep your love AND your hate, assholes! Same goes for fattist bullshit.

    1. There’s a good book by Lynn Gerber that analyzes and compares dieting and gay “reparation” therapy : Seeking the Straight and Narrow, Weight Loss and Sexual Reorientation in Evangelical America. The author really lays out the puritanical beliefs about the body underlying both kinds of attempts to love the “sinner” while changing who he or she is.

      1. Darn it! Yesterday was Amazon Prime day! Well, it’s on my wish list now, and maybe I’ll be able to order it soon.

        I already spent all my “mad money” on oodles of gel pens. This is what happens when you shop a sale while on pain meds with no sleep, folks. I have approximately 500 new pens.

        Well, the “Look Inside” looks good. Maybe they have this at my library?

  4. You can *say* you love me and just hate my fat, but the thing is, once you start going over someone and mentally revising parts of them, it is no longer that person you love. It is a fictional character you’ve composited out of them, social ideals, and personal preferences. And I am *never going to be that character.* That’s not “defeatism,” it’s acknowledging the basic difference between fantasy and reality.

    I know I’ve posted this before, but it’s always relevant to discussions like this:

    “Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron’s cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.” – C.S. Lewis

    1. This is the basis for a wonderful book called “Villains By Necessity.” Basically, the “good guys” have decided to eradicate ALL evil, by whatever means necessary (including brainwashing and murder, as well as other various “evil” means), and a small band of villains have to save the world from good, because the “good guys” are literally destroying the entire world.

      Unfortunately, the book was edited for a subsequent printing, and frankly, I liked the original version better. But even the edited version is still good, and really drives home the point.

      Plus, it’s a really fun read. The unicorn is adorable.

        1. For people who care about genre, it’s a high fantasy novel, with lots of comedy, but also plenty of dark stuff. Wizards and druids and the like.

          If you possibly can, get an early print. Seriously, the editors broke it.

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