Here is what happened today to two people on Christmas who may or may not be my partner and me. Two women, we’ll call them Regina and Juliette were at Juliette’s parent’s house for Christmas. Presents were being handed out and all was well. Suddenly, Regina noticed that Juliette looked really upset. Juliette handed her the card that she had just opened from her uncle (her mom’s brother) and aunt (his wife) both of whom she only sees once a year at Christmas
Dearest Niece,
We are worried about your long term happiness. If you don’t start taking care of yourself, we’ll really miss you when you are gone.
Love,
Aunt and Uncle
Let’s examine some of the many, many issues with this.
First of all, even if this is well intentioned, even if they think this is what being supportive looks like, even if they believe that she needs some kind of intervention, a Christmas card handed out in front of the whole family is simply not the proper delivery method for an intervention. And if they have to use a Christmas card because it’s the only communication they have with her, then maybe they should consider how relevant they are in her life and how appropriate it is that they dole out health advice in an assumptive and shaming way in a holiday card.
“If you don’t start taking care of yourself”
These are people who haven’t seen or spoken to Juliette since Christmas last year, and then Christmas the year before that. They have literally no idea whether she does or does not take care of herself. Even if other people’s health was your business, it is not ok to make assumptions about people’s habits or health based on their size. There are people of all sizes who engage in many different prioritizations and paths to health, and are all over the spectrum of health for many reasons, none of which are anyone else’s business unless we invite them to make it their business.
“we’ll really miss you when you are gone”
Merry Christmas, also please don’t die an early death because mourning you would be a super bummer for us.
“We’re worried about your long term happiness”
Are you worried about someone’s happiness? Then might I suggest you take a pass on giving them a shaming holiday card?
“Love”
Not from where we’re sitting. Juliette has definitely had a rough year, including a two week hospitalization. When she was in the hospital the aunt and uncle didn’t visit, call, text, send flowers, or offer support of any kind. Despite the fact that they are so concerned that she isn’t taking care of herself and is going to die young, at no point this year have they called, texted, asked if she needed, or offered any, support.
Fat bodies are not a representation of failures, sins, or mistakes. Fat bodies are not an indication of health or fitness. Fat bodies are not up for public discussion, debate, or judgment unless the owners of those bodies ask for that. Fat bodies are not a indication that we need help or input to make decisions about our health or lives.
Situations like this – where someone has never so much as asked about health or habits, nor made any offers of support or help, but feel the need to engage in this kind of behavior – indicate to me that this is probably all about the ego of the person doing the shaming. They see this as their contribution to the “Save the Fatties Campaign.” They want to feel good about turning the poor fatty around with tough love. Except that fat people aren’t in need of being turned around or tough love.
Maybe you noticed that in their crappy Christmas Card, they’ve STILL not made any offer of support or help. All they’ve done is make assumptions about her actions and health based on absolutely no information, and expressed how difficult it would be for them if she were to die. Regardless of their intentions, they do not get a cookie for that.
Juliette addressed her family and spoke eloquently to the fact that if people want to support her they can reach out, ask what she needs, and then offer their support – and that, for her, support does not include them talking about her behind her back, making assumptions based on stereotypes, and writing them up in a Christmas card. Then she left.
Regina, with Juliette’s permission, got a chance to talk to the uncle. He said, as expected, that it was out of love. That may be true but the conversation revealed that it certainly wasn’t out of being informed. Turns out he didn’t even know why she was hospitalized, he assumed that she has diseases that she doesn’t have, he had no basis for his assumptions other than her size, and no knowledge of any of the research around weight and health, and he had no invitation to discuss it with Juliette. He apologized but it was too little too late for this year. If her uncle and aunt are lucky (since, you know, they just care so much) she’ll give them another chance next year, but they’ll just have to wait and see.
If this happens to you, know that you get to choose how to deal with it – and it’s ok to set boundaries with your family (or anyone else) – you can choose who gets to talk to you about what on holidays, and every day.
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Dances With Fat 
I am so sorry this happened to “Juliet”! Also stinks they had to ruin a family moment, too. I hope that this incident has enlightened/educated them, so they don’t make the same mistake again. I’ve never had this exact incident happen, the food police & other “helpers” do show up around Christmas here. I am very impressed that you were able to calmly & eloquently educate your family members. I wish I could be that calm & collected. When my family”helps”, I tens to either fly off the handle or just say nothing. I hope Regina & Juliet and/or Regan & Julie are blessed with more love and less blessed with ignorance.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all.
P.S. Any typos are due to using a new Kindle.
My in-laws are SO much better than my family. THAT is for another comment…
Several Xmases ago, my husband got a “jokey” silverware gift: a twisted knife, fork with one bent tine and a spoon with a big hole in it. He has never let anyone EVER forget how mean his mom was in her “hinting around”.
This year, like the rest of the adult children, we got her homemade banana bread. Its not even that good, but its what everybody else gets and we eat it or don’t as we choose, no message but we are treated like the others.
Wow. Just…wow. O.O. You know, this kind of thing doesn’t just happen with body issues…it happens with every life issue. The whole, “I haven’t said much because I didn’t want to interfere, but I think it’s time I spoke up FOR YOUR OWN GOOD…” The Aunt you rarely see…or in my case, the brother who still thinks I’m doing it all wrong, life-wise because he only gets news of the really big stuff that happens, not the daily life maintenance.
I like how you broke this down for a bit of an attack/response plan. This kind of thing would be so upsetting it would be impossible to reply rationally. Nice work.
This is what goes on at my house. They judge me based on my religious outlook, and ridicule it to the nines. They also call each other and me “big, fat, slobs”, and for years I took it to heart. Now I just ignore them, since they won’t change their minds at all.
Basically I’m waiting for them to die so that I can get on with my life.
I didn’t see myself in this portrait until you pointed out the brother who “only gets news of the really big stuff.” OMG. That’s my sister – the one who thinks I’m incapable of taking care of myself! Ugh. Yorkie, I’m officially adopting you!
Wow! I’m speechless for the moment. That one just blows me away. 0_0
I’m so sorry, that’s just mean. I think someone has to reach really far down to come up with the justification for saying such awful things. It’s my opinion that they know they’re wrong but don’t care.
Omw, what is WRONG with these people?! A rhetorical question, of course. A woman I know named Kim (a.k.a. kimmaryelizabeth) has a couple of these types (of “advisers”) in her family of origin.
First, there is the Mom. Kind lady, almost 90 years old, whom I love and respect very much. She has the peculiar agenda of wanting me to lose weight (“for my health”), but not TOO much weight (because SHE wants to remain the better looking of the two of us).
Then there is the brother, who has lost 50 pounds within the last year. Last night at Christmas dinner, he was on one of his usual tirades (whenever my brother talks, my sister, parents, and I must listen, lest we be considered “rude”), the subject of which was nutrition. “The science is ALL THERE,” he proclaims. Now I’m sitting there reflecting quietly about the science that someone named REGINA has sited and that I myself have READ.
The brother proceeds to describe in grand detail what he eats, how he combines what he eats, how much he eats, when he eats, and why he eats what he eats/he eats how much he eats/he eats when he eats. Believe me, it is much more BORING than I’m making it sound.
As he described salad combination after salad combination, each of which he put forth as if it were the most unique and nutritionally balanced as the one before, he finally took a breath and asked, “Do you want to hear another one?” “No,” I replied. The brother was not only unhappy, he was also extremely ANGRY. “You don’t know how to have a conversation,” says he. “This isn’t a conversation. It is a diatribe in which you do all the talking,” I reply.
Worry not, our calm, 92-year-old Father saved Christmas. He did so by breaking up the confrontation before came to blows, yelling, “STOP IT, I DON’T WANT ANY FIGHTING ON CHRISTMAS!”
Merry Christmas, Seasons Greetings, and Happy New Year 2014!
Kim 🙂
You know, except for the fact he hasn’t actually lost that kind of weight, it seems our brothers are pretty much alike… certainly in their definition of the word ‘conversation.’
One of his favorite things used to be to inform me as I cooked that every ingredient I put into the pan had ‘no nutritional value whatsoever.’ He told me this about: cucumbers, tomatoes, rice, carrots, eggplant (which I wasn’t even cooking at the time!), onions, leeks, and at least fifteen other foods over a two month period.
And then came the fateful day he tried to pull that shit on me again… this time about potatoes. As it happened, I had just finished reading a quite thorough article about that unsung nutritional hero, the humble potato, so I had a barrage of facts right at my fingertips when I needed them most. I let fly with documented evidence, accuracy, and gusto.
Funny thing, that was the last time he tried that particular ‘conversation’ on me.
Oh, and he never did tell me a single food item that had any nutritional value whatsoever. I guess there weren’t any.
Your brother sounds like he needs to have his ‘conversations’ in an echo chamber all by himself.
Oh, yes, the dreaded “food items of no nutritional value.” Every morsel crossing one’s lips must be valued in a highly nutritional way bordering on the absurd. Hear, hear, Twistie! Well done! Thank you for your reply and entertaining response. Kim 🙂
The Ridiculous Family Nutritional Conversation of the Year in my life this year occured yesterday with my stepmom’s mother:
Her: “Beatrice, could you pass me that bottle? I want to check the calorie count.”
Me: ” . . . It’s sparkling water. There are no calories.”
To be fair, this sounds better than the above “conversations” because it was much shorter, I was able to talk, and I actually found it very funny. But still, this Christmas I’m thankful for not being too terrified of calories to even do something as simple as fucking hydrate myself.
Oh, BROTHER. Literally! >< My sympathies, friends!
I happily spent my Christmas alone to avoid such events. Believe me, it’s easier this way, just me and my underpants. I’m horrified by what these idiots wrote in a Christmas card, and hope with all my heart it is the last of such nonsense in their family interactions. Wishing you whatever gives you joy in the New Year!
Re: Spending Christmas Alone
You know, Joyce (and everyone), I had previously spent the last three years of Christmas nights alone with the cat and our Christmas tree (since my husband and two young adult children spend Christmas dinner at my husband’s family’s house, a place and festivity from which I am banned).
Because I already spend every Christmas Eve with my EXTENDED family of origin (a boisterous but mostly enjoyable affair), I was actually looking forward to spending Christmas night ALONE (with the cat and the tree) noshing on foccacia and enjoying some quiet reflection. Were it not for my Dad ASKING NICELY if I’d join my immediate family of origin for dinner, that’s exactly what I would have done.
Here’s to my Dad who doesn’t bug me about my weight! I love you! 🙂
I am absolutely speechless. I’m glad that you – erm, they – spoke their peace and left. How incredibly rude, hurtful and uncalled for.
If there’s one thing you can safely assume, it’s that every fat person in the Westernized world is well aware of the OHMYGODIAMGONNADIE dangers of “being fat.” Unless said fatty has been living in a bunker the past 15 or so years, at least.
It really frustrates me to no end, but this took it to a new level. This is so blatantly about shaming her for how her body looks and so obviously not actually a concern for her health. Otherwise, where were they all year?
I’m so sorry she had to go through all that.
I am sooo very sorry that you both had to be exposed to that. I am also extremely proud of J for speaking so eloquently and grateful that you were there and spoke to her uncle.
My own story for this year is not nearly as bad as this one. We met when I was almost 38, which is close to 15 years ago. Not a huge surprise that we are both fat. She battles with her weight, while I practice size acceptance. A couple of months ago, she told me tgat there is only one chair at the table I an allowed to sit in. That is because they are fairly new, were expensive and the sides of one are already broken. She’s not sure if I am responsible but she doesn’t want then all broken. I agree because I don’t want to break her furniture. Two weeks before Christmas, we are at her house and I can’t get to thechair because some else standing behind it. The someone else is new to family and likely doesn’t know about this rule. She eventually sits in the chair. I don’t have the courage to say anything. Eventually, my sister, who has only been there for a few minutes and I are the only ones standing. I am hurt and starting to get angry when I remember I have a folding chair in my car so I go to get it. I remain hurt and angry, and do all I can to hold back tears . as I leave, mom feels me that she and her husband are worried about me and my anger. I tell her I am angry about the the chair. She can’t understand. I tell her that I feel I can’t be fat around her. She doesn’t understand and denies most of w gat I say while defending her reasons for continuing on the weight loss, err weight cycling, path. We agree that we need to talk. I am not sure the talk will happen. We are so far apart in this.
No one should value their furniture more than the people they love. People are important;things are only valuable in respect of what they provide people. How expensive are these chaira that they are worth more than your heart?
If you’re worried that a chair will break when a fat person sits in it, the concern should be “and that person could be hurt in the fall!” That is a valid concern. That is why new furniture is (often) tested for weight allowances and labeled as such. Because it is a valid safety concern.
But when you’re expressing your safety concern, you do it in such a way to protect the physical AND emotional safety of the guest.
“That chair is not sturdy, and only tested safe up to X amount. Please make yourself comfortable in this other chair, that is guaranteed to be safe for you.” If it’s taken, the good host asks the guest to vacate it, and organizes the seating arrangements so that everyone is safe and comfortable. “Oh, dear, it’s taken. Excuse me, would you please be a dear and shift to that other chair. Guest X really needs this particular chair.” Be firm, if necessary. If a guest refuses a reasonable request, and makes it plain they don’t care about the safety and comfort of your other guests, then a good host ejects the ornery guest, making all the other guests safer and more comfortable.
Also, if a chair is broken because a heavy person sat in it, it’s because the furniture is not sufficient to the need, not that the person is too much. Just as you buy jeans in the size to fit your body, not change your body to fit the jeans, you buy furniture that is tested to support your body, not shrink you body to fit the furniture.
People always trump inanimate objects! Unless this chair is some sort of holy relic, in which case nobody should be sitting in it, at all!
It is possible the “friend” was actually concerned about the safety, but they were just horribly tactless. but it sure doesn’t look that way, does it?
This is not a friend, in my book.
Here’s what my Christmas was like:
Our houseguests cancelled at the last minute.
The only friend to drop by gave us a lovely DVD… that we already owned.
There was no tree and no decorations.
Mr. Twistie never buys Christmas gifts until a maximum of two days before, and he didn’t get a chance to get to the store to get me a gift at all because he was working so much overtime, plus he thought the thing he was going to get me wasn’t worthy because it was ‘just’ a book, so I didn’t have a single gift to open. He has today off and we’re going to go out and get the book after all today because it really, really is precisely what I want… but no packages on Christmas day. At all.
Yet somehow reading this article makes me feel hugely warm and cozy about my holiday.
We still had good food, a warm, purring cat, an evening of Fred Astaire/Ginger Rogers musicals on the TV, the company of a friend who may have duplicated something we already have but definitely cares about pleasing us (and happens to be the only person other than Mr. Twistie and myself that Jake the kitty will speak to), and absolutely NOBODY giving us grief for our bodies.
It royally honks me off that anyone anywhere had to go through such massive jackassery. Good for ‘your friends’ for not letting that sleeping dog lie!
I always feel warm and fuzzy when someone gives me a CD/DVD/Book, etc. that I already own. It generally means that they KNOW me, and my taste, and put some real thought into the gift. They couldn’t really confirm that I did not have it, without spoiling the surprise. If I get extras, I can share my tastes with other people, passing it to other friends, or even the library. But the fact that the person KNEW my tastes is just really heart-warming to me.
Probably why Jake will talk to that person. They are so much like you.
I’m so sorry this happened to “Regina” and “Juliette.” It is crappy to have such ignorant people in one’s life and be confronted with their stupidity on what should be a happy day. It makes me appreciate my blessings in that the extent of Holiday greetings among our family consists of “did you like the gifts?” “We love and miss you” and “how are you feeling?” (since both of us have health issues and from day to day, we never know if we’re going to be able to take on the world or view it from under a quilt. My prayer for Regina and Juliette is that their entire day wasn’t ruined, and that their 2014 is much, much more truly loving.
THIS. So much this.
Please pass my empathy along to “Juliette”. That was a rotten thing to have happen on any day, much less a holiday. Let her know that there are an awful lot of people out here who may not be blood family but are supporting her from afar.
I’m trying to envision how the commerically-written card for that occasion would be worded… “May the peace and joy of Christmas be yours. Just not the peace and joy of being treated like an adult with a fully-functioning brain or the joy of knowing your family isn’t spending the holidays judging you outright.” Because, you know, that’s what the holiday is all about — finding an opportune time to shame your relatives and tell them how to live. Jeez.
Please let “Juliette” know she has my empathy and I hope next year is better — and let “Regina” know how much I admire her for the way she handled the situation. 😉
Hahaha, Laney:
“When you ‘care’ enough to send the very WORST.”
🙂
This ACTUALLY made me LOL!
Thanks, dlamb! 🙂
The fact that they are concerned for “Juliette’s” long term happiness is touching and impressive! Perhaps they could contribute to it by staying home next year? Oh, was that mean spirited and cruel? Just making a well intended suggestion…
Very cruel, very crass, very nasty way to show someone their “love”. So glad “Juliette” stood up to them and then walked out. I am so very sorry this happened to her. I wish they had shown their love through support, encouragement and caring when she was hospitalized. Happy Yule to “Juliette and Regina” and thank you for sharing this very important message to us all! Happy New Year everyone on here and thank you for all the beautiful blogs, support and wonderful blog posts this year! Next year maybe we will see a change of heart from those who believe in fat shaming. Here’s hoping!
OMG! I hope it’s appropriate to say that Juliette’s aunt and uncle are fucking morons, and if it’s not, I said it anyway. Doing stuff like that is a sign of lunacy, not concern. I admire Juliette and Regina’s patience. I would have had no time for educating and would have been all “go fuck yourself you fucking morons,” copied the card and emailed it to everyone in the extended family. I’m too old for that shit. Holy christ. Without swearing, I will say that several decades ago I told my mother than if she ever even hinted about my weight again she would no longer have a daughter. It took a while, but each time she faltered I would let her know, in a very loud voice, and leave, or hang up, or whatever. She learned, and now she’s totally supportive. That may work better with mothers, so in this case I would just swear. Assholes!
It is utterly appalling when such messages are delivered under the guise of love. Even if it is intended to be loving, it shows a great deal of naivete. And I hate, loathe and despise the phrase “tough love.” In my experience, it is a contradiction in terms.
-Connie
You know how I wish to correct those who insist on using the phrase “tough love”? I want to tell them to say what they REALLY mean, namely, “tough $hi+.” Now THAT’S a consistent message.
Agreed! “Tough love” is an oxymoron (usually delivered by one…)
I think “tough love,” REAL tough love, is when parents keep their kids in time-out, or grounded, or doing the punishment assigned to them, even when the kids’ whining is so annoying the parents are desperate to just “let it go,” just to make it stop! But they continue with the discipline, anyway, because they love their children enough to push through (their own) pain to make sure the kids learn the lesson.
It does not apply to cruelly hurting other people, especially people over whom you have no actual right to administer discipline.
I remember, once, long ago, when my siblings aren I were particularly naughty, and my parents decided to administer the silent treatment, as discipline. My mother cried almost the whole time, and swore never to do it again, because she could not bear it. Seeing her in such distress made me swear never to do the thing again, because I could not bear to see her so unhappy, and know that it was because of something I did. THAT is “tough love.”
This “holiday greeting”? No. NOPE. Not love, at all, though or otherwise. Just selfish hatred.
My “favorite” part is the “don’t die, because that would be a bummer for US. We don’t care about you being, you know, dead. We just care that WE would have to go to the funeral and act sad and stuff.”
Wow.. that is really appalling!
I had my own little taste of this on Christmas, but not nearly as bad. My mother handed me her nook and starts commenting on this great book she’s been reading and telling me that once she’s done she’ll lend me her nook so that I can read it… and suggests that I read the beginning right then. She knows I’m a big reader, and we were just discussing books earlier so I figured she found some good book that she wanted to share. Then I started reading it… it’s a diet book.
This is hidden aggression by her aunt and uncle, at least 99 percent of fat shaming is. I’d rather deal with overt hostility than passive aggression because your opponent can no longer hide his or her intentions under the guise of being helpful. People who profess their love but are stabbing you in the back require a summary vigorous in your face chiding at the minimum. Such relationships even with family members are not worth keeping.
I agree with this. When reading the card, it would have been tempting to turn to them and say ‘Geez, if you are so concerned why wasn’t your concern evident when I was hospitalized earlier in the year. I mean, it wasn’t ‘FAT-related’ but even if it were, these here FAT germs aren’t contagious’…..but then to a couple of FAT heads like yourselves who have to shame someone who you ‘supposedly love’ to make yourself feel important, YOU are the one’s with a medical condition….I’d call it hearlessness.
That just sucks big, hairy donkey balls.
They may be ignorant, but ignorance is no excuse for making assumptions, not simply jumping but leaping over the Grand Canyon to conclusions, and shaming.
Hugs to “Juliette” and “Regina.”
Gotta love Christmas. Lizbeth and her husband are at the home of good friends that they see often, a progressive, Quaker social justice advocate and her equally progressive brother (and a whole bunch of other people). Everyone knows that Lizbeth has been having some serious arthritis pain and is scheduled for surgery in about 3 weeks for a knee replacement. Brother comes over and says, “So, what have you been doing to take care of yourself? My friend had knee surgery and he lost 40 lbs. before it.” Lizbeth: “I think that may be old advice. My orthopedist hasn’t advised any such thing. Losing a lot of weight right before surgery is not healthy, and it’s especially bad for people over 50. And those knees are engineered for weights much greater than mine even now or many humans. Brother: (looking very doubtful): I’m just concerned about you. Lizbeth: I appreciate that. So you’ll want to understand why I don’t intend to try to lose weight, now or ever. There are books and studies….. Brother: so, how ’bout dem Ravens?…..Guess the only thing more beloved than holiday traditions is the received wisdom about weight.
Such a horrible story. *HUGS* to everyone that had bad experiences this past Christmas.
Thanks. My parents just got back from a vacation in the USA, and the first thing my mom complains about is how many buffets they went to, how many restaurants they went to, and much weight my dad gained. Cuz he’s a “big fat pig” yaknow. But he’s just as blind in the matter, since he places his salvation in vitamin pills. He fusses about them more than food or people.
Vitamins are CLEARLY more important than anything else. *rolls eyes*
I’ve never understood doing something and then complaining about the thing you just did.
Unless it’s a medical procedure or something you don’t really have a choice about.
Ug, that stinks. I am so sorry. This year, my mother in law sent me jars of stuff that I have to make myself and was kind enough to hand write calorie counts on them. *eye roll*
Thank you so much, for giving me mixes for things when I send you complicated hand made treats each year, and for also driving home the point that I should totally monitor how much of them I should eat.
I do suppose it is better than past gifts which included a Time Magazine book full of pictures of dead people, and summer sausages made of game meat… both of which, knowing me, is the last thing I would want. If I had to choose between obnoxious calorie counts and looking at dead bodies, I’ll take the fat shaming.
wow, I wonder what delight she has planned for you next year? 😦 We get pretty random stuff from my Mother in Law, but this year it was sadly something along these lines too, a book “What food is that? & how healthy is it?” with detailed nutrition information for everything from croissants to Hogget, and some preface about current nutrition recommendation and whatever. It does also have some information on buying & storing, and preparation & use of various food items, so when I get a chance to look at it properly I’ll see if any of that is worth it taking up space on my bookshelf, otherwise it will be off to goodwill.
I am in no way trying to excuse your mom, but I have seen recommendations for people to give pre-mixed soups or baked goods or something like that as gifts. The idea being you will think of your friend/family member when you make the item.
Adding calories on them, that is just rude.
I am so sorry that happened. I hope Juliette’s parents let Aunt and Uncle know how they felt about being deprived of Juliette’s presence for the rest of the holiday.
Constant evidence that people are still so clueless in this bullying culture. Keep up the good words!
See, experiences like these are exactly why we need to invent more swear words. Because none of the ones I know are good (or rather bad) enough to do justice to the rage and disgust this kind of crap causes within me.
I vote for more swear words! 🙂
If you happen to see “Juliette,” I hope you will give her a big, fat hug from me because this was just so classless. I’m so sorry she had to endure that.
So, generally my parents are supportive, though my mom thinks I am upset when I start to speak passionately about HAES and fat acceptance. Anyway, my housemate K sent an old picture of herself with her cat, who was a kitten at the time. K was also quite fat at the time. She lost a lot of weight about 2.5 years ago (but is super body positive and has done a lot of work on self acceptance), so thin is the only way my mom has seen her. When I showed my mom the picture, because of the cat, she asked who was holding the cat. I replied it was K and she was surprised. I said that yeah, L had lost a lot of weight a couple of years ago. Her response was,”Did she tell you how she did it?”
Lordy, I was so angry. She has had her ups and downs with weight. She has seen me have a few ups and downs. My dad lost a bunch of weight and has kept it off for a long time. I get the feeling they use him as the barometer and neglect to fully see the average picture. My dad also never weight cycled, which I think made a difference. I find all of this particularly frustrating when I am at my highest weight ever and recovering from med school, which is taking time, but IS happening. I may just have to bite my tongue for now…especially going to see the rest of my family where politics and religion should not be discussed, but are all of our favorite topics! 🙂
Arrrgh. Hulk getting maaaad! Having just come home from the first Christmas in years that was “missing” fat shaming from my mom, I realized what a relief it was to eat without being constantly on edge about disapproving glances, the “do you need to eat that?” old favorite, and the other perennial: “I’d love to buy you clothes but I’m just not sure what will fit.” It’s taken a couple of pretty firm talks and a lot of links to this blog, HAES sites, and other resources, but progress has definitely been made. I hope that “Juliette”‘s aunt and uncle can do likewise.Until they do though, I would feel that she is totally justified in not having that kind of bullshit energy in her life. Hope the rest of the holiday season is way more rockin’ than that for my heroes R and J.
I am so happy for you that you had a shame-free Christmas!!!
Rule of thumb – you NEVER know what will fit, regardless of a person’s weight, because sizes are different across designers, styles, and cuts, and you ALWAYS have to try it on, anyway. So that is a horrible excuse, that, for some reason, only gets handed to fat people.
If you want to give someone clothes, you ask them for their measurements. Or you give them a gift-card to the clothing store, or offer to go with them (this is the best!), so you can help them find something that fits properly, and be there while they try it on, and discuss the options, and all that. Plus, you know, you can chat about other things, and enjoy the time together, so that’s the best.
But really, “I don’t know your size” is pathetic. Why don’t they ever say that to smaller people? Huh?!
Kudos to both Regina and Juliette for standing up and saying your piece because it causes a ripple and no matter what, those ripples emanate. Before Xmas even started really, my dad in a roundabout way called my hubby “fat and lazy” for wanting to get a snowblower. Since we both have bad backs, it would be a time-saving, body-saving purchase. Unfortunately, I was already not at my best that day so we left and it is as yet, unresolved.
My mother constantly reminds my sister and her husband that they “really need to lose weight”, and my sister is starting to really take objection. Our mother has Alzheimer’s Disease, and probably doesn’t remember how many times she’s come out with this anyway, but my sister obviously does. My brother-in-law just shrugs it off, but I can see my sister is getting to the point where she’ll say something she knows she’ll regret. She is fit and healthy, she cooks good food for the family, of all types, and this is what I’ve reminded my mother. I’m hoping she’ll just stop mentioning it, but I have a feeling that won’t be the case. I so wish that the “fat, therefore you must be lazy, gluttonous and not care about yourself” belief would just die a death and let everyone get on with their lives. We all know it’s a nonsense in any case. I have told my sister about your blog, Ragen, because I just know it will cheer her up and probably inspire her, too.
That experience is all too familiar with me. It’s no surprise I haven’t seen my family in such a long time and keep avoiding me. Even when I was 15 and was normal weight they told me I should lose weight…always have. I wish people would just realize how much hurt they’re inflicting on other human beings and how they are pushing people away from them by saying such things. That it’s not love they’re spreading but pain. And that they don’t even realise what they’re doing?!
People suck. Well, maybe %60 of people suck. WE just got back from pre holiday shopping and are lucky we got out with our lives. Just so. But there was a guying the store who just huffed and glared at me and my fat mother and out cart with five items in it. One of which was flowers. You could just feel the hate roiling off him. Oh GET over yourself buddy. Go home and hassle the unfortunate women you know and leave strangers alone. So sorry, Not Sorry, we’re not fulfilling your need for females to be small, attractive, malleable, unfed, needing your approval or what ever you ass hang is. Oh and enjoy you processed cheese food and hot dogs there Mr. Healthy.
Here’s my add to the Juliette and the strain of family crap.
My Mother is going bughouse excited about making the First Thanksgiving meal she has been able to make for her favorite child, the brother who molested me, due to the fact of his second divorce and not having any one else to annoy for Thanksgiving. She is cheery, cleaning everything, going over and over the list of food stuffs she is going to make and offer to her Beloved Son who “has lost twenty pounds and would like to lose twenty more” next year in his rebuilding his life after marriage fail number two.
Me, mentally ill, indigent, trapped here waiting. Went from seeing him twice a year to who knows now, but he has mentioned weight and fat, no his words his other ex and her husband “look terrible, they are all severely obese.” Do I Care? There is a real aggressive passive aggressive bent to this as he has insulted me about my weight since we were kids. This IS why people hate the holidays. Truly, Hell, for me, is other people.”.