The band Ylvis created a runaway hit with their ridiculous song “What Does the Fox Say?” Microsoft is attempting to do the same with women’s underwear. They are developing a bra with sensors for heart rate, respiration, skin conductance and movement. The bra helps alert people with seizure disorders if they are in danger of having a seizure. Just kidding! Why would they make a bra that helps people with actual health issues? The bra tells women what our mood is, and whether or not it’s ok to eat.
Mary Czerwinski’s team, which failed at making a similar product out of men’s underwear, told reporters “It’s mostly women who are emotional over-eaters, and it turns out that a bra is perfect for measuring EKG (electrocardiogram)” It’s mostly women who are emotional over-eaters? Where is she getting that information? Is she sore from pulling it out of her ass? Anyway, the bra will send the data it collects to your cell phone which will, I imagine, yell “STEP AWAY FROM THE MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP YOU MOODY, MOODY GIRL!”
Of course, it’s highly likely that the bra is an expensive solution to a problem that doesn’t exist. The whole idea of women eating their feelings and then becoming *gasp* fatty mcfatfats is based on a series of correlations and rectal pull guesses. It is yet another example of how anything that seems “common sense” when it comes to fat people quickly becomes entrenched and defended as if it is scientifically proven, after which companies sell solutions to the non-problem (or to those who fear the non-problem) that are expensive and have no proof of efficacy, which are soon recommended to fat people by physicians as if they are as safe and proven to work as Aspirin, which leads to me going to the doctor for an annual exam and subsequently requiring treatment for the concussion and optical strain I get from all the face palming and eye rolling. And don’t forget that it is all based on pretending that a ratio of weight and height constitutes a health diagnosis. Jeebus.
Stress eaters should not be considered at risk to gain weight by default. Our results suggest the need for a dynamic view of food intake across multiple situations, positive and negative. Furthermore, our findings suggest rethinking the recommendation to regulate stress eating. Skipping food when being stressed may cause additional stress in munchers and could possibly disturb compensation across situations.
But who cares about research when you can sell woman bras that will tell us how we feel and when we should eat? Don’t rush out to buy your new nanny bra, the item is on hold because the team can’t figure out how to make the battery last more than four hours. I’m shocked that it doesn’t use a battery powered by women taking endless cardio kickboxing booty bootcamp classes. Of course, by an unusually literal application of the underpants rule, women are allowed to let their bra tell them how they feel and when to eat, but I think that’s really more than I want out of my underwear. With any luck at all, they won’t make them in my size anyway.
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