What’s With Weight Bullying?

I’ve been thinking a lot about bullying today.  I was reflecting on how Michelle Obama is simultaneously leading a National anti-bullying effort and a National war on childhood obesity, how she doesn’t see any conflict between those two things, and how that’s fucked up.

Just like it’s a problem that prescribe for fat people what we diagnose in thin people, it’s a problem that we treat (and encourage others to treat)  fat people the same way that we tell them they must not treat anyone else.

We’ve talked before about how fat people are oppressed, but people often tell me that the treatment of fat people doesn’t constitute bullying so let’s break it on down.  I went to wikipedia…

Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior manifested by the use of force or coercion to affect others, particularly when the behavior is habitual and involves an imbalance of power.

So, for example, when someone’s employer forces them to go to Weight Watchers in order to keep their benefits.  Or when the government launches a war against citizens of a specific size.  Or when a forum has a “fat hate” day and sends members to this blog to leave hundreds of comments from calling me names to threatening my life. Or when supposed “healthcare” organizations create billboards meant to shame people for their size.

Bullying ranges from simple one-on-one bullying to more complex bullying in which the bully may have one or more ‘lieutenants’ who may seem to be willing to assist the primary bully in his bullying activities.

So when the government enlists schools, parents, television networks, doctors, the diet and beauty industries  and anyone else they can get onboard, to give everyone the constant message that the goal is to eradicate people who look like me whether we want to be eradicated or not.  Or when people are encouraged to police other people’s body size, eating habits etc.

“But but but it’s for your own good” they say. “It’s not bullying if it’s for your own good, and besides you can just get thin.  It’s not bullying because we’ll stop once you do what we think you should”.

There’s been a lot of focus on LGBTQ kids and I think that’s a good thing. As a queer fat woman I’ve noticed some parallels between the bullying of queer people and the bulling of fat people.

Many people justify bullying people who are LGBTQ by arguing that being queer is morally wrong and that it’s an “unhealthy” lifestyle, and that we could just be straight or just fit our socially constructed gender role and biological sex if we wanted to.

Of course queer people assert that we are the best witnesses to our experience so if we say that this is who we are, then people should damn well take our word for it since, as they are not us, they do not know better than us about us.

As a bisexual woman I, somewhat unbelievably, often face bullying from other queer people who claim that there is no such thing as bisexuality and that I need to “pick one”.  I find it shocking that people who are fighting to be considered the best witnesses to their experience turn around and do the Exact. Same. Thing. to other people, but it happens more often than you might think.  (I once went out on a date with a woman who started in on this diatribe – you’ll have to buy me a drink to hear to whole story of the date, but I explained it to her in small words and she said “Now I’m feeling ashamed” to which I replied “that is because your behavior is shameful”.  There was not a second date.)  At any rate, I am the best witness to my experience and so if I say that this is who I am, people should damn well take my word for it since, as they are not me, they do not know better than me about me.

When it comes to fat people, the belief behind the bullying is that being fat is morally wrong, that it’s an “unhealthy” lifestyle, and that people can stop being fat if they want, and so they should.

As a fat person I assert that I am the best witness to my own experience so if I say that this is who I am, then people should damn well take my word for it, as they are not me, they do not know better about me.

Because of these arguments, the controversy incorrectly falls on whether or not people can stop being queer or fat.  Based on the research there is almost no chance for queer people to stop being queer or for fat people to stop being fat.  But that’s not why queer people and fat people (or any people) shouldn’t be bullied.

People shouldn’t be bullied because they don’t have any obligation to do what someone else thinks is morally right.  People who think it’s not right to be fat and people who think it’s not right to be queer are no more damaged by fat people and queer people living their lives than people who don’t believe that eating pork is morally right are damaged when someone else eats bacon. Which is to say – not at all. Nobody is forcing them to eat bacon, but they don’t get to eradicate bacon for everyone else because of their moral beliefs.

People don’t have an obligation to do what someone else thinks is best for their health.  People don’t have an obligation to do what THEY think is best for their health.  The health of people who exercise regularly is not effected by people who choose not to exercise. The health of people who think that a raw food diet is the healthiest choice is not affected by those who think that paleo is the way to go.  Even if fat is unhealthy, it does not affect the health of others, and anyone wishing to make a “won’t somebody think of the tax dollars” argument may mosey over here.

What is happening to fat people in this culture is bullying, period.  It does not matter if people think it’s for our own good, if they think that we could be thin, or if they think that we will be healthier if we do what they think we should.  Our bodies are uniquely ours and trying to force or coerce us into changing our bodies is bullying and it’s plain wrong. Any anti-bullying campaign that does not include bullying based on body size is making a major mistake.

This blog is supported by its readers rather than corporate ads.  If you feel that you get value out of the blog, can afford it, and want to support my work and activism, please consider a paid subscription or a one-time contribution.  The regular e-mail subscription (available at the top right hand side of this page) is still completely free.   Thanks for reading! ~Ragen

37 thoughts on “What’s With Weight Bullying?

  1. As a bisexual fat person I completely relate to this post. There is a level of bullying going on to fat people that is allowed because it is done under the guise of trying to get the fat person to see the error of their ways and stop being fat. It really does defy belief. But I think it is because fat people don’t tend to have a very public voice about being positive that doesn’t include the adage that we need to fix ourselves in some way. The message can never be one of positivity without trying to fix “the problem”.

    I don’t know how it changes except for people like you and this blog. A collective voice needs to rise up and start challenging the idea that obesity is so wrong that it means treating people the way they get treated, like a problem rather than a human being.

  2. I. Love. You. You are beyond fab! I’ve forwarded your blog to all my lovely aunts who’ve been on diets for over 40+ years and who in their ignorance insisted on putting me on a diet when I was 9 years old. They believe they meant well. And it would be churlish of me to say they didn’t actually believe they were trying to help but all it did was put condition of their love & acceptance of me. Personally I think WWatchers & SFast & all the other companies they’ve thrown money at have gotten even more rich off of my less-than-wealthy aunts, cousins, friends & with depressing results. The bullying starts at home, sadly.

    Keep saying what I wish I could say as articulately as you do!

  3. Ragen, there’s a consistent theme in your posts about agency – “I am the best witness to my own experience so I know what and who I am,” to paraphrase. I can’t overstate how important this is – the primacy of agency – because in most if not all public venues I see, agency is omitted. I play in orchestras – the orchestra, you know, the people who gave up their lives to study hard to make a gorgeous sound at the drop of a hat – we aren’t given a voice or considered a stakeholder most of the time. The same is true of fatties – as if we’ve given up our voice or our right to be a prime source, a witness to our own experience and therefore an authority on it – by being so foolish as to be fat. I am so tired of being patronized about it all.

    I was raised this way, by a mother who did her best, but who unfortunately was so narcissistic she did not differentiate between herself and me. An only child…and my dad died when I was 9…I was told constantly “you don’t feel that”, “you don’t think that”, “you don’t need that”, etc. So this issue is visceral for me. Your voice is one of the very few which has articulated this foundational, ontological reality. THANK YOU, dude.

    1. Thanks a bunch for all the kind words. I was a clarinet performance major in college and what you are describing is one of the reasons that I did not pursue the career. I think it’s one of the most insidious and, unfortunately, successful ways that people try to take oru power from us – to deny someone’s own experience and replace it with your own is a powerful way of stealing their voice. I think it’s one of the things that we absolutely must fight and I think it’s the core of social justice work.


  4. People, particularly professionals, do it because they can get away with it on an officially sanctioned basis. If that does not work, they bend things to their will and hope you will shut up because they are the professional.

    I just got my lab results back. Normal, as usual. However that particular physician told me that while the results would have been good for a thin person, they were not good enough for me until weight loss accompanied the numbers. I don’t understand why the same results which would indicate I am healthy if I were thin do not apply if I am not.

    It goes without saying that I fired her. I refuse to be bullied any further by unsound practices.

    1. I have a fat doctor. I really can’t say enough things about how much better her evaluating skills are compared to my previous doctor. I understand that I am comparing two isolated cases, but I have considered the possibility that my current doctor is more aware that “everyone is different” because of personal experience.

  5. “But but but it’s for your own good” they say. “It’s not bullying if it’s for your own good, and besides you can just get thin. It’s not bullying because we’ll stop once you do what we think you should”

    In addition to how you illustrated this with LGBTQ-bullying issues, it hit me personally because I have Asperger’s. I didn’t know this when I was a kid, but my wiring was still obviously different from most of my peers, and I was bullied incessantly for it – and told, by both classmates and adults, that they would stop bullying me if I just stopped being so “weird.”

    The “weird” I was supposed to stop, of course, were things largely beyond my control to stop. Worse, when I *did* try to stop them, I often then got bullied for still being “weird,” just in a different way. 😛

    1. I was the ‘weird’ kid at my school (I’ve never been diagnosed with Asperger’s, but I always had a lot of the symptoms). I once got called into the office and lectured by the headmistress after an incident. I’d been reading a magazine on the sidelines at a school disco and an older girl demanded to read it – I refused politely – she ripped it off me and swung me round the room by my hair.

      Apparently I could have avoided that by ‘being more sociable’. My mother also thought I could make people like me more by ‘spending less time reading and more time making myself look nicer’.

      I’m still a ‘weird’ adult, but a lot happier for learning to avoid assholes and people who think I should change to suit them, which tend to be the same group of people most of the time.

    1. Of course we’re the problem. If we weren’t so fat and lazy, they wouldn’t need to do this. (sarcasm.) I read that too and my first response was “Holy Shit. People actually think that is okay?”

  6. I find the bacon thing interesting because it’s actually something my husband and I DO argue about. I eat bacon. He does not. And I know he DOES feel morally superior because he does not eat bacon. He feels morally superior over anyone who does not follow HIS beliefs (it’s one of the big arguments we have and his moral superiority has gotten so bad that I’m seriously considering divorce at some point). He does give me grief over eating bacon and tries to push HIS beliefs on me all the time about this, has even said that I should not bring pork into HIS house at all. More or less told him what he could do with that idea.

    Anyway, I do think a lot of this is a matter of moral superiority, both in the weight matter and the sexuality matter. There are people who have this idea of what a moral person should do and being fat, many feel, is a sin which is absolutely absurd but I have seen this mentality, especially among those who also have EXTREMELY restrictive religious beliefs like my husband. Not saying that the case with everyone but I’ve seen it a few times now that it tends to carry over. It’s sort of like they have this idea that if even one person is fat, everyone will become fat and the world will be destroyed. These people also have this idea of a heaven where everyone will be following THEIR religious rules. I’ve already more or less figured that that kind of heaven would be more of a hell for me.

  7. Just wanted to say you’re awesome and keep up the good work. I LOVE your hate mail page. That’s probably the thing that’s helped me the most. I don’t ever say much of that out loud but it’s nice to have those comebacks in my head at least. Any chance of you adding more to it? It’s a wonderful page!

    On a different note I have PCOS & twins. Most of my weight is in the pregnant spot. I look 6 months pregnant. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m not as ashamed of my body thanks to this blog. I get asked if I’m pregnant about once a month. I’ve been asked if I’m pregnant 3 times in the past 2 weeks. Rough. My response is,”Nope! Just fat!” Shuts them up usually. One lady that asked me this HAD twins. It was a gathering of women with twins or more. I was appalled that she asked this because she still looks pregnant too! Actually she screamed it from 15′ away. Screamed my response back for the world to hear. It felt good. I mean it totally hurts when people ask this because I am fat and I would LOVE to have more children but can’t. But it kinda felt good to announce to the world that I’m fat! Of course then she said, “Oh you used to be so THIN.” Nice!

    1. What a *BLEEEEEEEEP.* I think my response would have been “And you used to not be rude, so I guess neither of us is the same person anymore!” and then pointedly turned away to talk to someone else.

  8. A “Fat Hate Day”???!!!

    A ***”FAT HATE DAY”***????!!!!

    Where are they? We’ll get ’em in the playground as soon as kindergarten lets out…Oh, wait… 8)

    (((((big fat hugs)))))))

  9. People shouldn’t be bullied because they don’t have any obligation to do what someone else thinks is morally right.

    It kills me when the claim to moral rightness comes from people who should be our allies, and whose specialty is teasing out moral issues from prejudice. I just got email from Sojourners, the Christian social justice group, about their upcoming May 2012 magazine:

    “The obesity epidemic is rampant! According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 36% of adults in the U.S. are obese. And the Southern states, with the highest populations of obesity, are especially at risk for diseases related to being overweight.

    “The good news is that today many Southerners, African-American and white, are finding in their Christian faith and their faith communities resources to combat the pressing public health crisis of obesity. Find out how some churches are helping their members make changes that are leading to healthier and more productive lives.”

    Now, Sojourners doesn’t represent my faith tradition, but I follow them because I’m interested in religious social justice movements. And I am so dismayed to find this progressive group preaching this hurtful obesity epidemic rhetoric. Why not advocate for access to healthful food, proper health care, and joyful activity for all those who want it, and just leave our fatness out of it?

    1. That “Christianity and Fat Hate” thing hit me a few years back. A woman I’d greeted once or twice on a bus handed me two tracts one day, one tucked inside another. The inside tract was titled, “Little Tips To Lose A Lot Of Weight”. It was tucked into a tract titled “Surviving Traumatic Experiences” (I immediately thought, “Like this one?!”). Some people Just Don’t Get It, and my ability to inform, or take a stand, fluctuates wildly, depending on my stress level 8P

      1. If someone had given me that a few years ago, I would probably have curled up and cried. Today, I’d hand it back and say, “You may mean well, but this is an absolute slap in my face. I don’t stand here and pass you tracts on how not to be rude or other issues I think are problematic for you because it’s would be absolutely arrogant for me to tell you how to run your life. Don’t tell me how to run mine. I will expect you to extend me the same respect in the future.”

    2. Any Christian who’s going to judge people by what they eat (or what they think they eat) should be taking another look at Matthew 15:11.

      (I’m not a Christian myself, but if I can express an opinion, it seems to me that one of the major things Jesus fought against was people’s tendency to overlook the truly important things in favour of the superficial. Not that food isn’t important – the question of making sure everyone has access to enough decent food is a social justice issue – just that making assumptions about people’s food intake from their appearance is one of those superficial things.)

  10. Ragen, did you see that Michelle Obama is actually going to be on Biggest Loser this week?

    The cognitive dissonance! It burns!

    1. Ugh. I’m going to be real blunt and say that I do not feel that the President, president hopefuls, first ladies, etc should be on TV outside of the news. They do not belong on Letterman or The Biggest Loser or Saturday Night Live. I have little respect for it and find it appalling that it’s become more of a popularity contest and a way to appeal to the masses though popular media. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just overly conservative on that end but it’s a position that commands a level of respect and as such, they should be above that kind of thing. Again, could just be me.

  11. I was thinking about this very topic this past week during the LGBTQ Meaningful Care Conference in Portland, OR. It occurred to me many times how LGBTQ stigma and poor treatment (inside and outside of healthcare settings) is so similar to the way fat people are treated. ASDAH did a great job at their conference last summer, though I wonder if we could put on a similar conference specifically for medical professionals (focusing more of our attention on doctors, nurses and PAs since the counselors seems to already be on the ball) to address the specific medical stigma issues fat people face. I think if we relate it to LGBTQ stigma, where, unlike race, people assume that there is a choice being made, maybe people would be better able to understand.

    There was an amazing speaker at the conference who showed us how far the LGBTQ community has come and it gave me so much hope for the fat community. 🙂

    Oh, and loved the Adipositivity picture! I really want to figure out how to get my legs to do the splits someday.

  12. Hi. This reply may be long, and for that I apologize.
    I’ve read a few of your blog posts and I have to say thank you. I wish I discovered this blog 2-3 years ago. I’ve been passing it on (through links) to many of my friends and loved ones, some of which are … less than thrilled to see a blog about a heavy-set woman dancer… but I digress.
    I’ve been bullied for many things. I am mixed race (Filipino and Black and everything that colonized both), queer, female, writer, nerd, geek, and of course fat. That is I’ve been called fat all my life to the point that it is ingrained in my mind.
    But that particular bit of abuse happened in the family and in hospitals and in schools.
    My friends, my true blue honest to the Highest Power friends, said I was healthy and beautiful. They always had, but I never listened. Thought they were just being kind or didn’t want to hear about my weight lost attempts which often included starvation marathon days. I’m not going to bore you with my life story (although this sorta is already…sorry about that), but this post reminded me of what happened recently with my health.
    Its a long story but he may have diagnose me wrong and cause me to feel very uncomfortable with my body. I went to see him about stomach pains and he never was able to properly help me with them. Even after I lost enough weight to overturn his previous diagnosis.
    I have since stop going to that doctor.
    My pain is still there, around my stomach, but I’ve started going to the gym and am still losing weight but not because of some asshole doctor who tried labeling me morbidly obese with a size 34 waist. I’m not really trying to anymore. Instead, I go to the gym because I like it. I like finally learning to explore my body and be active and on top of that: NO ONE IN THE GYM CALLS ME FAT. I weight more than any of the other 20 somethings in the gym, but no one looks at me and says I’m fat. Once someone who knows me as a regular said “You look great, been losing weight?” And I said “Nope, just exercising.” I do look better and once I find a good doctor who I can trust, I’ll feel as good as I look.
    After all those years of being harassed and bullied about my weight, being called ugly by classmates and family, I’m finally realizing just how wrong they were.
    If only it didn’t take a creepy doctor, and if I found your blog sooner, I’d come to that realization 30 lbs ago.
    So please keep dancing, for me and ever victim of discrimination and harassment around the world.

  13. Hi,Ragen as I told you before, I LOVE your BLOG and I also like this article a lot and this is exactly what I was thinking about these days as fot the whole week people were calling me names on the street and this hasn’t happend in a long time.I ignore them, but sometimes I feel I should say something, but how can you respond to their ignorance? Well, anyway what I wanted to say is that I don’t like the pork-bacon example, because I believe it is morally wrong to eat meat and I believe animals are not our to eat, wear or experiment or, but we’re not talking here about what I consider to be moral, I’ll just say that the fact I am fat and bisexual doesn’t have a negative impact on anyone’s life, while choosing to eat meat kills the animals.

    1. Except that you ARE talking about what you consider to be moral. This is actually a perfect example of what Regan is talking about in the pork-bacon example. You would like Regan not to use a particular example because you have a different moral belief about it.

      Now don’t get me wrong – I have no problem with your making a request of Regan, but just recognize that she is under no obligation to run her blog as you request. Not all people believe that eating animals is bad; many of us – me included – believe that God gave animals to us for food. Just saying there are other opinions out there.

      Additionally, I’m sorry you have faced such awful nastiness. That is terrible and just shouldn’t exist. I hope things start to turn around again. Remember – you’re not alone.

      1. I think casiana was just pointing out the view that, unlike the case of a person being fat or being gay, the bacon example does involve harm. It is not the “people who don’t believe that eating pork is morally right” who are damaged, but there IS damage to a life. Something analogous to the bacon example might be, why should it matter to you if someone goes to pit bull fights? It happens to be illegal, but doesn’t effect your life, it does not harm you. Even if it were legal, even if there weren’t other peripheral issues of violence connected to dog fights, it would be ridiculous to claim there is no harm. The dogs necessarily ARE harmed, that’s what makes it a dog fight, regardless of whether or not you think it is a moral issue or not.
        The bacon example works only because we are able to separate ourselves from the living source of the bacon. (And because pork in particular is connected with religious eating restrictions.)
        Yeah, not sure why it was so important for me to make this point, but there you go. 🙂

      2. There are people who use the “this is what God wants” excuse to try to justify homophobia and sexism. Personally, I think that a God who is more concerned about what he “wants” more than he is about whether those wants cause humans and/or animals to suffer is a seriously screwed-up one who does not deserve to be worshiped.

        There. That’s my honest opinion. If you’re offended by it, then you know how I feel about your opinion.

        Look, I’m not trying to start an argument. But as someone who does not think it is right to kill and eat animals in a world where “there are other opinions out there” is the understatement of the year, I have adopted a policy: I won’t preach my views to other people as long as they don’t preach theirs to me. I am willing to follow this policy here if you are.

      3. I was actually not denigrating your choice either way, nor was I preaching my views. I was pointing out that (1) you were making a comment on morality while stating that you weren’t, and (2) there are other views out there. That’s it. I wasn’t advocating any particular view at all, just owning what my own view is.

  14. What I believe casiana was saying isn’t necessarily a request to change something because of morals. Casiana pointed out that while being fat or having a sexual orientation does not have an impact on anyone but the fat person or the queer person him or herself, the bacon example does involve harm. It is not the “people who don’t believe that eating pork is morally right” that are damaged, but there is damage to a life inherent in the process of bacon consumption. Whether that harm is immoral or not, whether the life of a species other than human is worthy of life or humane treatment, what constitutes humane treatment, whether or not eating meat is necessary, you can debate all that until the cows come home (or until the pig comes home, if she’s unlucky) but the slaughter and butchering necessary for someone to eat bacon is what it is.

    I’m not sure why I’m finding it so necessary to clarify this point. I don’t pretend to have any say in what anyone eats (my husband included. he eats bacon. I wish he didn’t bring pork into the house, but have no illusions that this will ever change so I don’t make an issue of it.) and can see how the bacon example applies to the bullying issue, especially because of the religious restrictions associated with pork. However, I also know that the bacon example only works because we are able to separate ourselves from the living source of the bacon.

  15. I know you didn’t refer to this in your post, but this reminds me of my dislike for biological determinism or “I was born this way.” It doesn’t matter whether I was born bisexual or it is a choice I made, I still deserve to be treated with respect. I think the same lessons can be applied to the FA movement. It doesn’t matter if there are genetic factors that make me fat, if I have an illness that makes it easier for me to be fat, or if it’s because I choose not to exercise and eat more food than my body strictly “needs.” I am a person who by virtue of existing should be treated like a *person*.
    I appreciate your commitment to bodily autonomy and I really love that you continue to be a voice for those of us who don’t have a blog/conference/panel to say these really important things.

  16. The reason so many people turn to thoughts of suicide isn’t because being queer or fat is sinful and makes you ashamed, it’s because having to choose between being yourself (queer, fat, whatever) and being Loved is pretty stressful on your heart.

    P.S. Ragen, I’d gladly kick any of these bisexual-naysayers in the teeth for you, but something tells me you’re a pacifist.

  17. I’m a fat, mentally ill agnostic. (bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and OCD.) With the mental illness I get “if you’d just take this pill or that pill…” Well, meds are not one size fits all. I’m hypersensitive to most medications and I cannot take antidepressants–they flip me into mania. What works for one person may not work for me. Or I get “just stop thinking/feeling like that.” Well, if I could do that, don’t you think I already would have–duh?
    I also decided years ago that being in a romantic/sexual relationship was bad for me. It triggered suicidal feelings if it didn’t work out, and I had a tendency to pick people who victimized me. I get grief from people who think it’s “weird” that I’ve chosen to be celibate, as if my celibacy is somehow forcing them to change their non-celibacy. How is what I do or don’t do in my bedroom affecting anyone else? I also had someone suggest that since I have had such bad luck with men maybe I should “try sex with a woman.” You know, if people could change their sexual orientation, I probably would have a long time ago. But since it doesn’t work that way for me, wouldn’t it be pretty crazy to assume that it worked that way for someone who is homosexual? You can’t pray or think away the gay any more than you can stop being straight.
    I also don’t get why people have such animosity towards people who identify as bisexual. How is someone else’s bisexuality a threat?
    As far as the agnosticism goes, I am hated by believers because while I believe in the possibility of spiritual beings of a higher nature (i.e. deities, angels) I don’t know anything for sure. Conversely I am hated by atheists because I believe in the possibility of something rather than outright rejecting all spiritual concepts.So in their eyes I am stupid.
    People need to stop being so damn judgmental and listen to each other for a change.

  18. People like you inspire me. I’ve been fat for most of my life and, like every girl has, I sometimes have moments in which I hate everything about myself and all that hate gets directed to my weight (shocker!)

    But then I find blogs like this, people like you and then I feel like I am allowed to be confident, that I am allowed to love my body the way it is.

    Everywhere around me, there are people who care for me, wish the best for me and I love them for it, but sometimes they keep bugging me about my weight. I know they do this because they think it will help me, but it only makes my heart clench and my eyes water (though I tend to hide this, of course)

    I am quite shy and I tend not to speak my mind on subjects like my weight, because I do not want to offend or disappoint someone (even when they do offend or disappoint me) and I get frustrated.

    Luckily I live in the age of internet and am able to find blogs like yours, because it is somewhat comforting to read that others have the same problems. Also, it allows me to keep believing in myself.

    So, very long story short, Thank you. I do not have the strength to stand up for myself yet, but your (and others like you’s) words help me believe in myself.

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