I give talks about self-esteem and body image. I’ve given three in the past couple of weeks. In the talks I give a little bit of my history with eating disorders, cycle dieting and finally finding health and happiness with the Behavior Centered Health/Health at Every Size model (where healthy behaviors and not a specific weight or size are the goal). I talk to groups for anywhere from 20 minutes to a few hours. At the end there are two conversations that almost always happen.
Conversation 1
This conversation is always interesting to me. Someone will say to me: “Gosh I wish I had your [self-esteem, body image, health, confidence etc.] but I have trouble with [insert issue here]. As I’ve typically dealt with this issue before I will usually be able to say “Oh, I dealt with that and [insert solutions] helped me work through it.” Then they will say, without hesitation, “That won’t work.”.
Ok, look. First of all I always clarify that my methods are just my methods, other people have other methods. What I do may not work for everyone. However, if I find myself wanting a state of being that someone else has achieved and they tell me how they got it, it would not surprise me to find that it didn’t fit with what I thought would work. Mostly because if what I expected to work actually did, I wouldn’t have the problem in the first place. So I try to be open to the possibility that maybe the thing they are suggesting is worth a try. If you don’t like where you are, you might consider trying something that doesn’t seem natural to you. If it doesn’t work you can always try something else. Your mileage may vary, but if you aren’t attempting to drive somewhere, then it might be time to learn to be at peace with your parking spot.
People ask me a lot about diet – what do I think about a vegetarian diet, Atkins, caveman, mediterranean. What I always say is this: Try it. If you feel better do more of it, if you feel worse, try something else. It has been my experience that my body knows what it needs, and that if I pay attention to it, I can learn to discern that information. Unfortunately before I figured this out and learned to communicate with my body, I spent most of my life with my fingers in my ears yelling “LALALALALALALA” and only pausing to tell my body what it was getting while actively ignoring the signals it was sending to me as to what it wanted. That was not a good plan. I like the book Intuitive Eating as a guide on this journey. There is a bit of weight loss talk which might be triggering for some, but if you’re at a place of no longer feeling that you can be trusted to make food decisions for yourself I definitely recommend it. (They don’t pay me to endorse it, I seriously doubt they even know who I am.)
Conversation 2
The second conversation is more abrasive to me. Despite my standing in front of the group and
- talking about my journey
- explaining behavior centered health
- explaining my personal health plan
- revealing the fantastic health outcomes I’m experiencing
- explaining that my goal is to give people an option not tell them how to live
- Acknowledging that I respect everyone’s choices as I expect mine to be respected
at the end of my presentation some whackadoodle will attempt to sell me their weight loss product. Usually under the guise of the VFHT (Vague Future Health Threat) which always sounds something like “With your weight I’m surprised to hear that you are healthy now, but it won’t last. You’re going to have problems later”. Or they’ll tell me that they have “vital information about my health” and then give me information gleaned from diet commercials as if I’ve somehow arrived at this stage in my life without ever having heard the claims that are made about the correlation between fat and disease. This is often followed by them telling me their story of how weight loss changed their life and therefore will change mine.
This completely pisses me off. First they admit that they were unable to accurately assess my current health, then they assert that I should allow them to put me in fear about my future health and buy stuff from them to solve a problem which does not currently exist. I give this a couple points for guts but none for style.
I do not discount anyone’s experience. If someone had a goal of changing the size and shape of their body and they succeeded, I’ll be the first one throwing confetti. If they had health problems that were solved through a change in eating and/or movement that also resulted in them losing weight, I think that’s fantastic. I’ve said five hundred million times that I am not for or against weight loss. (Wait for it…despite my saying this clearly for the 5oo,000,001 time, someone will probably reply to this post and accuse me of hating on people who lose weight.)
My option is about not depending on the shape and size of your body to determine your self-worth, and having quick access to true and correct information about the efficacy and likely health impacts of any path that you take for your health, wellness, weight loss etc. goals.
It’s not that I don’t think that most of these people come from a place of good intention, it’s just that I think that the inability of these people to understand that their experience is not everyone’s experience reveals a lack of emotional intelligence and maturity. It’s like when a little kid covers his eyes and assumes that you can’t see. If someone has found something that works for them and they want to shout that option from the rooftops to help others know it’s out there then I’m all for it. If they want to try to get us to buy their stuff through the use of guilt, shame, fear and unsolicited, unfounded random threats about our health, I have a problem with that and I’m going to say so.
If someone says that they are happy on their weight loss program I would never presume to tell them that they are wrong and so they should choose Health at Every Size instead. It would be completely rude and inappropriate. Not. Its. Business.
If we’re not where we want to be then we can either make peace with it, try something else, or wallow in our misery. All three are valid choices. They are our individual choices. If you want to be somewhere other than where you are when it comes to your self-esteem and body image, then may I suggest that you’re probably going to have to do some things differently than what you would normally do. Do some research, try some stuff. You can always go back. It will always be your choice.
And please, for the love of all that’s holy, don’t try to sell me your weight loss solution. Thank you. Your friend, Ragen.
Dances With Fat 
Sweet article, Ragen! I agree that the world will be a better place when everyone agrees to enjoy their own life choices and stop judging all the choices that others make!
About 8 years ago, I found out that I was allergic to wheat gluten. When I stopped eating gluten, about 60 lbs melted off of me in about 3 months with no other effort on my part. I have no idea how my body managed to do that, but it did.
Many excited people who knew me would say, “Oh, my gosh! You look great! I want to know EVERYTHING that you are doing so that I can do it, too!” I quickly learned to save my breath and say, “Just completely stop eating bread and pasta. Let me know when you have that down, and I’ll tell you more details.” From those exchanges, I have never heard more excuses in all my life! Not ONE person was willing to do even that one basic step – not even my own mother! (Her excuse was simply that my father wouldn’t like it….) Giving up gluten is certainly not for everyone, but it just always amazed me that so many people were so excited after seeing results that they wanted right before their very eyes, and yet they weren’t willing to make one diet change for even 2 weeks! I guess they wanted me to sell them a magic pill….
P.S. “Your mileage may vary, but if you aren’t attempting to drive somewhere, then it might be time to learn to be at peace with your parking spot,” is one of the most awesome lines EVER! 🙂
Glad that you liked it. I had an interesting experience with wheat and wheat gluten myself. I gave it up as part of a cleanse for three months (wheat, wheat gluten, spelt, and all dairy). Everyone said that I was going to lose a ton of weight and I lost none. But after the cleanse I felt great and haven’t had any trouble eating wheat since. It thought it was a great success, other people gave me their condolences.
I think you’re right though, there are so many people who would rather “want” something than do what it takes to get it.
I have a practitioner friend who once told me, “We all have that little voice inside us that knows the right thing. It’s just that some of us are better at listening to it than others”
And in response to Holly’s comment, I have seen multiple people with a host of health problems (digestive issues, joint and muscle pain, fatigue) who when they talk to me (as an alternative care provider), I suggest they cut gluten because they are showing classic symptoms of gluten intolerance/ allergy. But somewhere before or after this conversation, they report to having asked their “real” doctor, and their doctor assures them that couldn’t possibly be it because people with that problem are skinny and they are overweight. Good for you for listening to your own instincts!
Thanks, Jeanine! You pointed out a very important fact. It is impossible for doctors to stay 100% up to date on ALL topics, and that is why it is so important for each individual to listen to their own bodies! Eating gluten when you have Celiac disease (gluten allergy) causes damage to the first several inches of the small intestine, which frequently leads to a classic wasting syndrome. However, because of all of the other metabolic and autoimmune conditions that seem to happen concurrently with untreated Celiac disease, many people afflicted with it tend to gain a LOT of weight. Doctors are becoming more and more aware of this fact. Personally, I’ve only ever met two skinny people with Celiac disease. Everyone else I’ve met with it could easily fit into the obese category.
I always find it best to keep in mind that I know my body much better than my doctors do, AND I certainly have a much more vested interest in becoming an expert in the medical conditions that specifically effect MY body!