Oops – I thought that I made this title up but it turns out that it was actually coined by the brilliant Golda Poretsky.  I got a linkback from her blog and realized my error.  If you don’t know of Golda and her work then I would definitely recommend a visit to her site –  she is amazing!

Several studies have indicated that physical fitness is a much better indicator for health and longevity than weight.  I am a fan of exercise and I do it a lot (it’s a big part of being a competitive dancer).

However, the word “exercise” bugs me, and I hear the same thing from a lot of people of size.

I think it’s because we hear it so many times from people in the context of losing weight. (If I had a nickel for every time I’ve been told that I need to “eat less and exercise more”, I would never have to work again.)

Or maybe it’s that we’ve been sold the “Biggest Loser” exercise concept where you have to be grunting, sweating, screaming, and puking while being emotionally abused by an egomaniacal trainer for exercise to have an effect.

I can absolutely see how people in the Body Positive Movement who’ve been pummeled with the concept of exercise as a weight loss tool, or a punishment for their weight,  might reject it along with their decision to reject the diet industry and the concept of intentional weight loss.  I can see how I could have easily ended up there.

For me, though, exercise is important because I’m a dancer.  It’s also important because I am committed to my health. I don’t have to be thin to be healthy, but in my experience I need to participate in healthy behaviors to be healthy. For me exercise is one of those.  Except I almost never call it exercise anymore – I prefer “movement”, or “working out”, or “going to the gym”.   I hate euphemisms for fat (I am not “pleasantly plump”) but I prefer euphemisms for exercise, a little weird perhaps but there it is.

To be clear, I don’t think that exercise is a moral imperative – people have the right to be sedentary just like they have the right to drink like fish, be bad drivers, or never look both ways before crossing the street. I’m not trying to tell anybody how to live.

I’m talking to people who may desire to move their bodies more, but are  not doing so as a retaliation or rebellion against everything that society is throwing at us about exercise and out weight.  We can certainly choose that, but in the end we are the ones who are likely to suffer.

If you find yourself stuck in a bad relationship with exercise, I would suggest finding an activity you like and doing some of that.  If “traditional” exercise (step aerobics, anyone?) isn’t your thing, find something that is.  Gardening.  Dancing around in your living room.  Tai Chi.  Cleaning your house. Whatever floats your boat.

I would also suggest choosing the activity each day (“I think I’d like to do some gardening today”) instead of making grand future plans (“I’m going to work out 2 hours a day, 6 days a week”).You can block out time in your schedule for movement ahead of time, but consider picking what you most feel like doing to fill that time as it comes around instead of way in advance. That way it will never feel like you are slogging through something that you don’t like.

One of my favorite things about making healthy behaviors my goal rather than a specific weight or size is that I get to succeed early and often.  If my goal is to move three times a week and I do some gardening today, then I hit part one of my goal.  Time for a butt-shaking happy dance of success and victory!  If I dance around the living room on Friday and take a pilates class on Sunday because that sounds good to me, then I’ve kept my commitment to my health, had three awesome successes, and enjoyed myself in the process.  Now I’m in a healthy place mentally and physically which supports me in keeping my commitments to health tomorrow and the next day.  Woot!

You can make whatever choices about your health that you want.  I just suggest that you be certain that they are truly your choices and that you’re not making them because of, or to spite, anyone else.

Instead, it’s about why I’m grateful for the Marie Claire mess…

If you haven’t heard, a blogger at Marie Claire posted a blog in which she talked about finding fat people gross.  (I’m not quoting the article and I’m not linking to it from here. For all of those waking up wondering “What grand and glorious adventures will I have today?” that’s just not how I want to start their Monday. Nor will I give this girl more publicity by publishing her name.)

The reaction is what is interesting to me.  Suffice it to say that there was a huge outpouring of pissed-off-ed-ness.  There were over 3000 comments, almost all of them negative.  I heard somewhere (unverified) that 28,000 negative e-mails were sent.

And here’s why I’m grateful:

One of the things that concerns me about the Body Positive Movement is the number of people I meet who think that they deserve to be treated poorly because of their size.  An article as ridiculous as this can perhaps galvanize us and draw a line in the sand that says “Ok, now you’ve gone too far” and I think that with where we are as a movement, right now we need that line.  Here’s what I’m hoping people got out of this experience:

You deserve to be treated with respect

In every interaction.  By everyone.  That doesn’t mean that people will always treat you with respect, it just means that if they don’t it’s an issue on their end, and you don’t have to make it your issue.  Can you imagine picking up somebody else’s baggage at the airport and thinking – “I don’t know who this person is, or how they came to pack these things, but no matter what’s in here, I’m going to wear it!”  So there you are, wandering around the airport in bondage pants and a paisley shirt rethinking your strategy.   That’s exactly what we do when we choose to take on someone else’s issues as our own.

You Do Not Need to Measure Yourself with Someone Else’s Ruler

I know someone who claims to have a phobia of little people.  Some of her friends entertain this  –  offering  her understanding and solace.  I find it abhorrent – these are not spiders, they are freaking PEOPLE.   I once had a  dance judge tell me that she “couldn’t stand to look at me” because my arms were too fat (hi Cindi).   It is my firm opinion that anyone who has that kind of issue with people  – whether it’s because they are little, big, disabled, a different color etc. is fully responsible for doing WHATEVER IT TAKES to overcome that issue, or just shut up about it.  Of course we’re not the boss of everybody’s underpants, just our own.  So while we can’t control people vomiting their issues all over us, we can deftly step aside and not get any on us.  You get to choose how you react to what people say. So instead of internalizing someone else’s prejudice (“if she says I’m gross, I must be”);  try something more like “Wow, she’s a crazy bigot and her prejudice is not my problem”. How you allow something to make you feel is your choice.

You are Not a Stereotype

Some of my favorite responses were people who fought back against the myths the blogger had clearly bought into about weight and health. This is where I think people really allow  themselves be affected by society.  As a fat person I am constantly sold the idea that someone can look at me and ascertain my eating and exercise habits and general health.  Well, that’s just bullshit.  But fat  people choose to buy into it.  They hear over and over again that all fat people eat too much and are lazy and sick, so they think “I must eat too much and be lazy and sick.  That’s my fault and so I deserve to be treated badly”.  May I just suggest:  NoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNo.  First of all, more and more research is finding that people’s natural body size varies widely.  Of course, that research is being drowned out by the diet, pharmaceutical, and weight loss surgery industries who want us to believe that omgdeathfat! is coming for us; and by people who want to feel superior by putting us down, and by well-meaning people spouting myths because they’ve not done their research.   If you feel that you would like to be healthier, then I would suggest looking for ways to add more healthy behaviors to your life (eat a little better, find movement that you love to do.).  In any event, you are not responsible for making your picture fit anyone else’s frame, and the only thing that people can tell by looking at you is what you look like.

So thanks, crazy prejudice blogger, for giving us an opportunity to come together as a community, I really appreciate it.

Speaking of my fat arms, I was part of a photo shoot today with Richard Sabel, an incredible talented (and more than a little bit patient) photographer.  I’ll be blogging more about it later, but for now here is the first picture.  This is the dress that I was wearing when the judge (hi cindi) said that she couldn’t stand to look at me.  I wish my feet were more pointed (I think in this frame I am coming down and relaxing them to land on the oh-so-comfy-concrete floor) but I love my 284 pound healthy body in this picture, un-photoshopped,  as it should be!

This happens to me all the time:  I’m in a conversation with someone who thought it was appropriate to make random guesses about my health based only on my size.  I’ve quelled my rage, given them the benefit of the doubt, and asked permission to suggest another point of view – to which they’ve agreed. I’ve explained that there are other beliefs out there, I’ve explained about the science.  I’ve explained  Health at Every Size.  I’ve explained that there are plenty of people with the same food and lifestyle choices who have vastly different body sizes – both healthy and unhealthy.  I’ve explained that health is not entirely within our control, that it is neither an obligation nor a barometer of worthiness.  I say that I’m happy with the prioritization of my health and the path I’ve chosen to support my health.

Then it happens.  The VFHT:  The Vague Future Health Threat.

It sounds like this “Well, you may be healthy now, but it will catch up to you someday”.  They look triumphant because the VFHT is indefensible.

Now instead of completely quelling my rage and giving them the benefit of the doubt, I’m just fighting the urge to set this person on fire. It’s not just the person I’m talking to –  it’s also that this is the the 10 zillionth time I’ve heard this over the past 13years. I’m starting to wonder if I’ll be 102 years old and still pressured to diet so that it doesn’t “catch up to me”.

I find this to be paternalist, ignorant, unsupported, and annoying for the following reasons:

1. Typically this person has already inaccurately assessed my current health (ie “Nobody can be healthy at your weight”) but now they want me to believe that they can accurately predict my future health.

2.  Everyone is going to die. There is a 100% chance.  I just happen to live in a culture where it almost doesn’t matter why I die – someone will blame it on my fat.  That doesn’t make it true.  This “it will catch up to you” claim is just not supported by the available science, and of all the people who’ve VFHT’d me in my life, NOT ONE has accepted my invitation to cite his/her research (including doctors).

3.  What if I changed the rules of the lottery so that if  you lost, you had to pay the lottery money as a penalty?  Now not only is your chance of winning infintesimmaly small,  but there is a near 100% chance that you’ll end up with LESS money than you had after you bought the ticket.  Would you play?  Now imagine that this isn’t your money we’re talking about – it’s your long term health.  There is not a single study that proves that any weight loss method is effective long term, but many studies indicate that weight cycling (yo-yo dieting) is less healthy than being obese.  Since diets have such an abysmal failure rate over statistically significant sample sizes, if I go on just 2 diets where I lose weight and gain it back (and I have a very high chance of doing just that both times), then I’ve likely damaged my current good health and endangered my future health on a roll of the dice that was obviously a losing bet from the beginning.  The person VFHTing me is asking that I do something they can’t prove is possible, for a reason they can’t prove is valid, with a very high percentage that I’ll end up less healthy at the end.  I’ll pass.

So what do you say to the VFHT?

Here are some possible responses broken down by category.  (As always, I never try to change someone else’s behavior. I ask for qualification and/or I set my boundaries and consequences. )

Quick and simple:

• It’s not your place to make guesses about my future health.
• My health is not your business.   (If, at this point, they bring up tax payer dollars or health care costs, I ask them for an itemized list of things for which their local, state, and federal taxes pay, or health problems that people develop for which causation cannot be proven;  broken down into categories of things they are happy to pay for, and things they don’t want to pay for. If they don’t happen to have that list on hand, I let them know that I’ll be happy to discuss it once they do.)

More detailed/scientific

• I don’t know of a single statistically significant, properly controlled scientific study that supports that statement.  So, either cite your research or I’m going to assume that I know more about this than you do and you are just talking without actually knowing what you’re talking about.  (Or “talking out of your ass”, depending on my mood).
• You have no way to know that.  Cite your research or I will assume that you are putting my health at risk by talking about things for which you have no actual knowledge or qualifications.  That is completely unacceptable to me.

The pointed response (feel free to mix and match questions/responses with boundary statements)

• How dare you make assumptions about my health?  it’s not your place to discuss my health with me.
• I find you completely unqualified to make that statement. Please keep your opinions about my health to yourself.
• My health is not your business and you are not allowed to comment on it.
• You will immediately stop making guesses and assumptions about my future health or this conversation is over.
• I appreciate what I assume are good intentions, but I’m simply not interested in your opinions about my health.

The snarky responses (I don’t actually recommend these because I prefer some kind of productive conversation if possible, but it’s fun to think about)

• I had no idea you could predict the future!   Would you mind giving me tomorrow’s lottery numbers?
• Actually the fat doesn’t have to catch up with me – I keep it right here…unless you saw some back there that I lost?
• I totally forgot that being thin makes me immortal – thank god you told me or I might have died some day.
• I meant to tell you that I’m actually worried about you.  I read on a website that we are about to experience another ice age and without fat stores to keep you alive and warm, you’re absolutely going to freeze to death.  I know it sounds weird but it was on the internet so you know it must be true and I think you should immediately go and tell everyone.

Remember that in many cases you get to choose how people treat you.  If you decide that they don’t get to VFHT you, then you just need to put that plan into action, set boundaries and consequences and get after it.

Like my blog?   Here’s more of my stuff!

My Book:  Fat:  The Owner’s Manual  The E-Book is Name Your Own Price! Click here for details

Become a member: For just ten bucks a month you can help keep this blog ad-free, support the activism work I do, and get deals from cool businesses Click here for details

Dance Classes:  Buy the Dance Class DVDs or download individual classes – Every Body Dance Now!Click here for details 

Fit Fatties Virtual Events:  If you’re looking for a fun movement challenge that was created to work just for you, you can check it out here.  There’s still time to get in on Early Bird Rates.

If you are uncomfortable with my selling things on this site, you are invited to check out this post.

My blog gang is blogging about Halloween today. Fair warning – this  starts and ends with Halloween but the middle bits strayed a little…

I was shopping for Halloween Costumes yesterday.  There was one that said “One Size Fits Most”.  In small print it said that it fit women’s sizes up to 14.

That really made me think.  Every time I turn around, I hear that 60+% of Americans are overweight or obese, so shouldn’ t the tag read  “One Size Fits Less than One Third”.

Let’s be clear, I seriously question the validity of the percentage of overweight and obese Americans  because the standard for what constitutes “overweight” was set by diet companies.  But let’s pretend that it’s a true statistic.  In that case, we’re the majority in this country and yet we’re still not treated very well.

If we’re really 60+%, then why don’t lobby the media:  We want to see more positive representations of ourselves and less body hating and photoshopping or they’ll lose 60+ % of their customers?  This doesn’t just affect fat people either, studies show that 8 out of 10 women are dissatisfied with their bodies.  As the majority, I think it’s time we stand up for our thin body-dissatisfied sisters and say that enough is enough – we aren’t buying any more magazines that promise “our best bikini body in 15 minutes”.

At 60+%, we control to vote in the United States, but 25+ states have considered or are considering taxes on fat people –  despite the fact that nobody has any proven way to lose weight.  It doesn’t even matter that I have perfect health at my current size.  My picture of health doesn’t fit my state’s frame so I could get taxed for my size. (Someone’s now thinking about commenting with the VFHT – Vague Future Health Threat  – that although I’m healthy now “it” will catch up with me “someday”, don’t worry I’ll cover that tomorrow).

At the end of the day, if we want change then we have to take responsibility for claiming our power as the majority. Many people of size choose to buy into the idea that their size determines their worth and that they don’t deserve to be treated well.  It’s an easy thing to do –  we are constantly told that we are lazy, we are unhealthy, we are costing billions in healthcare and lost work.  When you look into those studies you’ll find that there are some serious questions as to their validity.  For example, the Congressional Budget Office released a report saying that Obesity WAS NOT the reason for the rise in health care costs  Using that article as a basis, the Boston Globe published an article called “Obesity’s Punch to the Gut” where they said that Obesity WAS the cause of the rise in health care costs.  How did they get from point A to point B?  They left out words in quotes, and they used those partial quotes to construct a message that was polar opposite from the source material.  I have no idea why they would do that, but they weren’t the only ones who did.

As I talked about yesterday there is no such thing as a “healthy weight” . We know that two people can fit the same profile – sedentary, non-nutritious diet, health problems – and one can be fat while the other stays thin. It’s a big, flaming sack of duh that it’s absolutely unfair to single out the one who is fat for higher taxes, workplace discrimination and poor treatment, while the person who remains thin doesn’t suffer any of those consequences despite the same lifestyle and choices.  You could say that’s all trick and no treat (you might especially say that if you were trying to fit this blog into the Halloween theme of your blog gang).

Remember that regardless of what your situation is as a fat person, there is a thin person in the same situation who just happens to have a different body size.  If you want to become healthier, I suggest that you consider the idea of Health at Every Size and make healthy behaviors your goal rather than a particular weight or size.   (You can check out Linda Bacon’s site on the subject here)

No matter what, you deserve to be treated well with respect and equality.  If those stats are right and we are the majority of the population in this country, then we have a powerful tool to implement change. So have a fun, happy and safe Halloween and while you’re searching for that perfect costume and going to those parties, know that the only thing that someone can tell by your weight is how much you weigh.

Check out the rest of the gang’s blogs:

Motherhoot

Kernut the Blond

Holly B

Elisa Croatia

There is no such thing as a “Healthy Weight”.  People have a certain level of health (which can be judged through metabolic tests or physical fitness etc) and people have a weight (which can be judged in pounds, kilos, stone etc.).  These are two separate measurements.

The idea of combining them has a lot to do with the use of  Body Mass Index (BMI) (a ratio of weight and height) as a measure of health by  insurance companies who wanted to save money by not having to perform actual tests. Helping them out were diet and pharmaceutical companies who found that if they could convince people that anyone over a certain BMI would have dire health consequences, it was easier to convince them to buy their stuff.

They got on committees within the CDC,  and soon 3 people with ties to pharmaceutical companies that create diet drugs, in concert with the chief “scientist” at weight watchers,  managed to convince the CDC to lower what was considered a healthy BMI and then recommend their products as a solution to the problem that they had just created.  This process meant that about 60% of Americans became “overweight” overnight and we were off to the races. The next day newspapers ran the story “Millions of Americans Don’t Know They’re Fat”, but failed to mention it was because less than 24 hours ago those 25 million Americans had been “normal weight”.

Now despite having perfect health by any measurement, many fat people (including me) can’t get health insurance.  Healthy fat people who do have health insurance are encouraged to undergo a risky major surgery with an extremely poor success rate at 20K a pop so that their bodies can be smaller, and the diet industry makes over 60 Billion Dollars a year. Meanwhile plenty of sedentary thin people who eat a poor diet are constantly sold the idea that they are healthy simply because of the ratio of their weight and height.

And we are hearing from everyone and their dog that we need to get to a “healthy weight”.  Often it’s suggested that we should do this by any means necessary, the implication being that it doesn’t matter what crazy unhealthy things we do to get thin, because once we get there we’ll be automatically healthy just because our bodies are smaller.

Except it doesn’t work that way.  The best suggestion that doctors can give us is that healthy behaviors have the best chance of creating a healthy body, but even that’s not guaranteed.  Most of us know someone who followed every health guideline and got sick.  Most of us know someone who eats like crap, never exercises and is as healthy as a horse. Marathon runners drop dead of heart attacks at 45 and sedentary.  Grandmas eat frozen dinners, smoke unfiltered cigarettes, and live to be 102.   There are healthy and unhealthy people of every weight, shape and size and I think that the medically responsible thing would be to look at each person as an individual and recommend scientifically proven solutions for specific issues, instead of trying to stereotype people based on how they look and then try to find a way to blame them for their health conditions instead of treating them.

If doctors were honest with us, they would say that the human body is extremely complex and they haven’t yet scratched the surface of everything that is involved in being “healthy”.  They would also ‘fess up that even if they could prove that weight loss makes you healthier (which they can’t) they don’t have a single proven method of weight loss.  They would tell us that the caloric restriction method (aka “eat less and exercise more”) has an abhorrently poor success record.  Were it a prescription, doctors would be forced to remove dieting from the shelves for its complete lack of efficacy and all of its safety concerns. But it’s not, so they just keep recommending the same thing, even though it just doesn’t work. More and more we are finding that physical fitness is a much better indicator of health than is weight.

There are so many things to be improved in this system, but let’s do one simple thing today:  Let’s decide to eliminate the phrase “healthy weight”.

As always, this is your decision.  If you’re in for this then I suggest that we start with ourselves – check our own assumptions about people’s health based on their size, including people who are very thin.

Then I suggest the following scripting as an example when this comes up:

Person who still buys into the healthy weight myth:  “blah blah blah healthy weight blah blah blah”

Enlightened person (that’s us!) “Actually, there is no such thing as a healthy weight, and I wish people would stop spreading that myth.  There are people who are healthy and people who are unhealthy at every shape and size.”

Now, this can often lead to the VFHT:  Vague Future Health Threat.  This is when someone suggests that even if I, as a fat person, am  healthy now (and it doesn’t seem to matter how old I happen to be) “it”  will catch up to me “someday”.

For now:  No more saying “healthy weight”:  Never ever, never ever, never ever.

To bring you stand up comedy!  I did my second open mic night and a friend recorded it for me.  It went ok, there’s a lot that I will improve. and yes I’ll consider slowing my speech a little.  Until then, I am marking the occasion here (fair warning – there is definitely some swearing).  It does contains the story of my mom selling me for air conditioners…)

I want to thank K Robinson for his/her comment on my post “Side Effects May Include Weight Loss”

Part of the comment stated:

You appear by your writing to have a very angry and resentful attitude. Is that a fact?

I responded – in part:
If I seem angry and resentful, (and I may well be at times) it is perhaps because I am an extensively well-read, fat professional dancer who enjoys perfect metabolic health, can do ten 2-min on, 1 minute off 95% heart rate intervals, press 1,000 pounds with her legs, and do the splits, who is forever being lectured on weight and health by people far less fit than she, who have done far less research about the subject.  It can certainly grow tiresome.

I prefer to choose happiness and for the most part I succeed.  But sometimes I just spend some time being pissed.  Being a super fit  fat person is a weird place to be in our culture:

The best of it is that I walk through the world knowing that I am extremely fit.  Whether judged on the basis of metabolic health, strength, stamina, or flexibility I am in the tippy-top percentiles.  Plus I can do 24 double time chainee turns in a row and end in a perfect standing backbend without breaking a sweat.  So when someone gives me a hard time, I can generally assume that they cannot do what I can do, which definitely helps get me through idiotic exchanges about weight and health.

The worst of it is that many, many people make assumptions about me.  Often if I tell them what is true, they DO NOT BELIEVE ME, or I spend so much time saying how healthy that I am (as I have been doing in this post) that I sound like a braggart and/or a nuisance.  My friends who are thin but sedentary and unhealthy seem to never be assumed to be unhealthy and would probably not be challenged if they said that they can do what I can do. It can get a little frustrating.

In the end, I don’t think that I’m angry and resentful that often, sometimes I think people misunderstand:

I’m not afraid of conflict – I’m an honest and direct communicator and some people mistake that to be anger or resentment.

I speak out strongly against common myths and misconceptions about weight and health, and when you do that people sometimes think that you’re just some angry fat girl with a chip on her shoulder.

Of course sometimes I just tire of it or I get too much bs at one time and that leads to a brief period of anger and/or resentment – which sometimes occurs on this blog.  I don’t deny that and I don’t apologize for it – I think that anyone who walks the path that Body Positive fat people walk may be prone to those episodes but even if it’s just me, I’m still ok with that.  As I tell my dance team when we’re doing our 6 minute wall sit:  it’s not about falling down – it’s only about getting back up.

There’s a quote I really like and I can’t find who said it but I often think of it when I’m slogging through something like this:

“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do.  But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.”

So thanks K Robinson for helping me get clarity and giving me a chance to  stand back up.  I find myself neither angry nor resentful.  It turns out that I am grateful.  I’m grateful to K Robinson.  I am also grateful for my ongoing great health, and I am especially grateful for my life which is just about perfect.

I received an e-mail from Mel yesterday with some really good questions about how to be a thin ally to the fat community.  Here are the relevant bits with my thoughts and answers.  Please note that the scripting I use is generic,  I totally encourage rephrasing into something that is authentic to you.  I that the bottom line is that anything you say as an ally has to be authentic – if you think something sounds cheesy, don’t say it!

I’m not someone who is going to preach to you about thin privilege or insist that you should feel bad because you are treated well – frankly it drives me crazy when people do that.  I really appreciate anyone who wants to be an ally in the fight for my being treated respectfully and not judged on my size.  Thanks for jumping into an ugly fight when you don’t have to!  Without further adieu:

Awesome, you totally rock.  Thank you very much!

I hear this from a lot of thin allies – the assumption that  if you share a body size you will have the same prejudices of other body sizes.  If it makes you feel any better (and it probably won’t) it happens both ways.  I get strange looks and push back when I defend a model that someone says is “obviously too thin” etc.  (Don’t believe me – take a look at some of the comments to my Things I’ve Heard about Thin Women post on Jezebel“) When it happens to me with another fat person, there are two options.  the first is the “dumb question”

“Oh, do you know her?”

“Um, no”

“Wait, so how do you know anything about her health?”

“I can see she’s fat”

“There are plenty of healthy fat people, and plenty of unhealthy thin ones.  Either way nobody deserves to be called names – this isn’t Junior High.”

Or, I’ll  try to point out that it is an assumption, then try to get them to feel some empathy, using myself as an example.

For example:  “Interesting that you should make that assumption about her.  You know, I’ve been trying really hard not to make guesses about people based on their appearance – It makes me so angry when people assume that I’m lazy and unhealthy because of my size, and I don’t want to turn around and do the same thing to someone else.”

I wonder if this could be used on someone of “normal” or “thin” body size, using a stereotype that fits you. – For example, if you are blond “Interesting that you should make that assumption about them.  I try not to make assumptions about people based on their appearance – it drives me crazy when people assume that I’m a ditz because I’m blond, I wouldn’t want to make the same mistake”.  Etc.

This is where it gets tricky because people will get defensive/give you push back and you have to decide how much teaching you want to do in this teachable moment – do you want to go into the science of it or just assert that you believe that people should be treated with respect – it’s totally up to you.

One creed that I live by is that I don’t try to control anyone else’s behavior, I simply control my reaction.  So you might try something like:   “You know, I’m really not comfortable with talk like that.  I think it’s shameful that in our society there is so much pressure to hate our bodies or fit into some ideal body type.  I doubt making people feel bad about themselves will help them be healthy (AND/OR) People can be healthy and happy at any size.  I’m going to [remove myself from this situation] until you’re done with this conversation.  When you’re done just come find me [at the place I’m going to].   I would probably add a bit of science to this because I’m a big giant nerd but that’s entirely up to you.

Some examples:

I guess my main point is – people assume incorrectly that b/c they think I fit a thin ideal that I’ve never had body image issues or that I don’t truly believe in body positivity. Or that b/c of my genes, I have some kind of “right” to eat whatever I want b/c I won’t gain as much weight as the next person. And that I’m OK with “fat talk”.  None of these things are true – but I don’t how to point that out exactly.



I locked myself out of the house.  I came home from the gym, kicked off my shoes, turned on my toaster oven to warm it up, and ran outside to put some jeans in the dryer.  Roughly a minute later I was standing outside a locked house in smelly gym clothes and socks with no wallet, phone, keys, or shoes.  Awesome.

I knocked on my neighbor’s door but the one who has the necessary tools was gone.  His roommate took a look at the situation and we realized that it was futile. I remembered that I had given a key to my friend Amy who lives just a few blocks away and I asked my neighbor for a ride.  He offered to let me borrow his car.  I got to Amy’s and told her what happened.  She immediately said “come hang out with me!”.  It turns out that after I changed the locks I neglected to give her a key.  So she let me use her phone to call a locksmith and then followed me back home so that I would have someone to talk to while I waited.  The locksmith came, unlocked the door and fifty bucks later my problems were solved.

I used to be one of those people who thought that I had to do everything myself.  I would NEVER ask for help, NEVER accept it if it was offered.  I wore it like a badge of honor, I pretended that my inability to accept support was actually a sign of strength.  I didn’t need anything from anybody.  I was fine on my own. I was clearly superior to all of those people who needed help and support.  I fooled myself into believing that they were weak and I was strong.

I’m not sure when I learned about the joy of accepting support (and I don’t mean the kind that comes from pantyhose) but I can tell you that it completely changed my life.  The realization that there was no weakness in asking for or accepting support was a revelation.  Had this little key incident happened a few years ago, I would have ended up breaking a window to get in and then having to pay way more than $50 to replace it and probably getting a nasty cut in the process.  Plus, I wouldn’t have known how many people there were willing to support me and that is an awesome feeling.

To me, the ability to accept support is HUGE when it comes to living a Body Positive life.  Yesterday Virginia from Beauty Schooled kicked a whole bunch of ass letting people know about the whole Steve Seiebold thing. Tons of people got on board to expose this guy as the hack he is (including the always awesome bloggers at Jezebel).  All because she got a press release that she found disgusting and she asked for support from her fellow bloggers.

Of course, my experience may not be your experience but I submit that in living a Body Positive life, trying to go it alone can be a long, difficult road when we have misinformation coming at us from every direction:  the news media, the doctor, and let’s not even talk about our families. If you believe that healthy behaviors lead to a healthy body, then maybe consider surrounding yourself with people who believe that too: enlist your friends to support you, set boundaries and decide how people are allowed to treat you, get the support of your friends in keeping those boundaries.  If you’re not sure what “healthy behaviors” means for you – how much activity to do, what healthy eating is etc. then consider asking for professional support.

Of course if you want to be independent that’s your option.  If you decide you want to give help a chance, then find professionals, books,  blogs, whatever you need to be supported and live the life that you want.  You can start on my Blogs I Love page if you’d like but whatever you do, there are tons of resources out there – go get them and experience the joy of being supported in your choices!

Remember how I always say that if someone is trying to convince you to feel guilt, fear, or shame, you should immediately ask yourself “What are they trying to sell me?”

Well, meet Steve Siebold.

This morning I got an e-mail from Virginia who writes Beauty Schooled – one of my favorite blogs.  If you’re not aware, we are in the midst of Fat Talk Free Week, a project started by Delta Delta Delta and now on at least 35 college campuses to just say no or ‘no comment’ to any mention of weight, size, shape, or any other kind of Fat Talk.

Virginia received a press release from Bruce Serbin about Steve Siebold’s personal mission AGAINST fat talk free week.  I am not kidding.  Because “he’s out to save as many people as he can from an early grave, but not talking about the problem is not the solution.”

Who the hell is Steve Siebold you ask?  He is a self-proclaimed “Mental Toughness Expert”.  His website lists him as a  “CSP” but never explains what that means.  I found 55 meanings for those initials, none of which pertain to health.  But Steve lost some weight himself and then wrote a book called “Die Fat or Get Tough”.  (I’m still not sure if he is saying that mental toughness will make me immortal or just that I should prefer to have a thin corpse, but the fact that Steve has apparently never heard of a false dichotomy is the least of my problems with this.).

I don’t care whether or not Steve lost weight, I respect whatever anyone decides to do with their body.  I have many problems with the campaign.

On the web page he says “If you’re FAT [Steve likes to put FAT in all caps], this book is going to rattle your cage and make your blood boil.  And it should. Get ready for a 2,000 volt cattle prod to your consciousness.”  Steve seriously thinks that large people have some how missed the scientifically unproven opinion that they are unhealthy and, further,  that metaphorically electrocuting them is the answer.   He apparently believes that large people just need to feel horribly enough about themselves, and then they’ll be able to beat science – right after paying him $16 for his book.

He doesn’t claim to have any health or fitness credentials, and he is pushing a method that has been proven scientifically invalid in study after study, with an extra dose of abuse and shame which has been proven psychologically detrimental. Just another example of someone’s ego and greed running amok all over  big people – ‘It’s ok that I’m abusing you because I’m ‘saving your life’.  Now, please ignore the fact that I can’t prove any of this and fork over your $16.”   I just went over this!

My main  issue with Steve’s Anti-Fat-Talk-Free-Week  marketing campaign is that he’s on a mission to make sure that college students receive dangerous and harmful messages about body hatred unabated, and that people of size  are constantly reminded about the opinion (which has never been proven scientifically, and is beginning to be DISPROVEN scientifically) that fat causes health problems; and that they are bad, lazy, lack mental toughness etc.

I get about 386,170 negative messages about my body a year but Heaven Forbid that I have one week where I can actually appreciate my body or have a break from the incessant messages about body hate because then I would miss 7,406 of those messages –  and then I might not hate myself enough to buy Steve’s book despite the fact that it’s not based on a shred of science and he is totally unqualified to write it.  He has to convince me to let my “mental toughness” supersede my mental reasoning enough to not think this decision through, or Steve won’t get my $16.00.

I think that this campaign is a huge problem for people who have or could develop eating disorders – which his publicist has admitted.  If you scroll down through four pages of crap on his website, you’ll find a PS .  No, literally, after his signature it says “PS:  This book is NOT for people with eating disorders or any other physical or psychological disorder. If you think you may fall into this category, DO NOT buy this book. Instead, contact your physician and get help.”   Because people with eating disorders are always able to discern that they have a problem and jump on the phone to call for help, and people whose weight is affected by a physical or psychological problem are always treated really well by doctors.  How irresponsible can you be? Could you have at least have opened the website with that instead of “Do you think like a fat person?  If so there’s a good chance you’ll DIE FAT”.  Clearly he is aware of the issues that his work might cause for people dealing with Eating Disorders, he just doesn’t care enough to allow it to interrupt the flow of his marketing message, because Steve really needs your $16.

To prove that he doesn’t care, he is spreading this hateful, dangerous, scientifically erroneous message on college campuses.  College campuses where 35% of female chronic dieters will progress to eating disorders or pathological dieting and which will afford those who develop anorexia or bulimia a mortality rate that is 12 times higher than the death rate of all other causes of death.  I hope that Steve is comfortable with being part of this deadly crisis when he cashes all of those $16 checks.

Let’s get real.  Most of Steve’s work is as a marketing and sales coach.  So I think that Steve saw that the diet industry makes $60 BILLION dollars a year and wanted a piece of that, so he wrote a book and started his sales and marketing machine.  I don’t think Steve knows what he’s talking about and I think he knows that.  I don’t think Steve gives a crap about our health – I think he wants our $16 and figures we can clean up the mess later.

But let’s pretend that he really does sincerely believe what he preaches.  Well, in that case Steve has missed the point of Fat Talk Free Week by ab0ut 60 billion miles.  That’s probably because Fat Talk Free Week is based on actual science, and Steve doesn’t seem to be a big fan of that.  The program’s philosophy is based on research conducted by Eric Stice, a clinical psychologist at the Oregon Research Institute. Stice applied the principals of cognitive dissonance to young people. He hypothesized  that over time, a young woman who speaks and acts in a way that  is contrary to the thin ideal of popular culture will eventually stop believing in it–and thus have less likelihood of developing an eating disorder. Stice reported a 60 percent reduction in eating disorders for high school and college students who were part of  a program that critiqued the thin ideal and encouraged positive self-images. His study is not statistically significant, but it is statistically interesting and much more proof than Steve has that shaming people will make them lose weight.

We KNOW that shaming people about their bodies and telling them to diet is NOT WORKING.  I don’t care if it helps Steve get rich $16 at a time.  It. Does. Not. Work.  Steve is right about one thing – personal responsibility.  We  are responsible for verifying what people say and making choices about our bodies and our health.  I did the research and it will be a cold, cold day in hell before Steve gets my $16.  I will continue to espouse the theory that healthy behaviors have a much higher likelihood of leading to a healthy body than emotional abuse, physical abuse, or some crazy diet.  Health at Every Size is working for me- I’m happy and healthy, just like I like it.   I will exercise mental toughness in concert with mental acuity and tell Steve that he can keep his emotional abuse and I’ll keep my $16.

Check out Virginia’s blog about this here!