In the past couple of days I’ve seen the following responses from fat people to fat shaming behavior that they experienced:

“I mean it’s true I’m a big lady, but being big shouldn’t be a reason to treat me like crap.”

“Yes, I had a second piece of pie, but nobody asked him to be my food police.”

“Sure, they weren’t the most fashionable workout clothes but I was focused on my workout, I didn’t ask her to comment on my outfit.”

There’s nothing inherently wrong with any of these, and people get to to deal with inappropriate behavior that is directed at them anyway that they want. This is not a criticism, just another option, which is that we don’t apologize for ourselves when the problem is actually someone else’s behavior.

Fat people are constantly told that we are wrong just for existing in fat bodies, it’s not a surprise if we start to internalize that.  I think that an incredibly powerful form of fat activism is to not apologize in any way for being fat, for doing things that are considered “bad” because we are fat (like eating, existing outside our homes in non-approved non-slimming clothing, exercising without the blinds closed in our own homes etc.).  When people behave inappropriately toward us, we have the option to point out their bad behavior with no apology for our existence in a fat body.

We may not yet be able to convince everyone that shaming, bullying, stigmatizing and oppressing fat people is wrong, but we can be sure of it ourselves and we can vocalize that with authority.  When someone says something inappropriate, we can respond with certainty and resist, with conviction, the urge to apologize in any way.   There are some options below, you can use these to end conversations or to start them.  As always it’s entirely up to you:

“Wow are you out of line.”

“I can’t imagine what would make you think that was an appropriate thing to say.”

“Nobody asked you to be my food police”

“What I eat is absolutely none of your business.”

“If you’re going to treat me that way, then we simply can’t be friends.”

“What I’m wearing is not your concern.”

“Honestly, I’m kind of shocked you would think that was ok to say.”

“[Your behavior] is completely inappropriate.”

Feel free to leave your ideas in the comments.  In the meantime try it, and you too may experience the joy of not apologizing.

EDIT:  One reader asked how to respond when people say that our body size/health/behavior is their business because it costs them tax dollars.  My thoughts on that can be found right here!

Like this blog? Consider supporting my work by becoming a member! For ten bucks a month you can support size diversity activism, help keep the blog ad free, and get deals from size positive businesses as a thank you. I get paid for some of my speaking and writing (and do both on a sliding scale to keep it affordable), but a lot of the work I do (like answering hundreds of request for help and support every day) isn’t paid so member support makes it possible (THANK YOU to my members, I couldn’t do this without you and I really can’t tell you how much I appreciate your support!)   Click here for details

Book Me!  I give talks all across the country about self-esteem, body image, health and wellness for people of size and more, and I’d love to speak to your organization. (I’ll be in Northern New York and Central Pennsylvania in the next couple of months if you are in those areas and would like to add an event to those trips.) You can get more information on topics, previous engagements and reviews here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org!

Here’s more cool stuff:

My Book:  Fat:  The Owner’s Manual  The E-Book is Name Your Own Price! Click here for details

Dance Classes:  Buy the Dance Class DVDs or download individual classes – Every Body Dance Now! Click here for details 

If you are uncomfortable with my offering things for sale on this site, you are invited to check out this post.

The LA Times ran a headline in their science section that read “Diets work, but brands don’t make much difference, study finds”

It goes on to talk about a meta analysis that found:

Low-carb diets were linked to 8.73 kilograms of lost weight (19.25 pounds) at 6 months, and 7.25 kg (15.98 pounds) at 12 months. The low-fat diets were close behind, with 7.99 kg (17.61 pounds) lost in the first half-year and 7.27 kg (16.03 pounds) at the one-year mark.

The careful observer will note that at some point between 6 months and 12 months weight loss turned to weight gain.  This isn’t a surprise, it’s what the long term studies of weight loss tell us – almost everyone on almost any diet can lose weight in the short term, and almost everyone gains it back in the long-term with many regaining more than they lost regardless of whether they keep their diet behaviors going or not. It’s one of the reasons why most weight loss studies (many of which are funded by weight loss companies) don’t go beyond a year or two.  When confronted by the FTC about this, weight loss industry reps said that they wouldn’t do long term studies because it would be “too depressing” for their clients.  I love the smell of for-profit “science” in the morning.

I don’t believe that weight loss should be used as a medical intervention at all, but even if doctor’s believe that it should they are still going about it in a way that doesn’t make any sense. What they’re doing at this point is the equivalent of prescribing a pill for a diagnosis that 60% of the population has, that has been shown in every long term study to work short term, but in the long term return the patient to their original sick state, making the majority more sick than they were within 5 years., then telling those who “failed” long-term (which is almost everyone) that they just need to try harder at not being sick because the treatment worked for 6 months so there’s no possible way that it can’t work forever or could stop working.  That’s not even in the same galaxy as the ethical  practice of medicine.  Again, I agree with the AMA Council on Science and Health that body size isn’t a disease,.my argument is that even if doctor’s believe it is a disease, recommending weight loss does not constitute the ethical practice of evidence-based medicine. Of course the study authors don’t agree, they claim:

This supports the practice of recommending any diet that a patient will adhere to in order to lose weight,”

Except it doesn’t, it support the practice of recommending any diet plan if the goal is for the patient to lose weight for 6 months and then start gaining it back. And here is the problem with weight loss research:  Studies show that weight loss doesn’t work long term but study authors just go ahead and say that it does.

Sometimes it’s a study where more than 2/3 of participants dropped out and the rest lost an average of 2 pounds. Sometimes it’s Weight Watchers own studies finding that the average client loses 10 pounds in the first year and gains back 5 in the second year, and their chief scientist calls that “validation” of what they are doing. Today it’s these chuckleheads finding, clearly,  that most people lose weight in the first 6 months and start gaining it back in the next 6 months and saying that supports the practice of recommending diets to patients (and I’m not even getting into the fact that this is based on the untested and scientifically challenged hypothesis that weight loss will lead to better health.) The obesity epi-panic is so completely out of control that scientists grossly misconstrue their findings, and the LA times puts in in the science section.

Activism Opportunity:  Comment on the article at http://www.latimes.com/science/sciencenow/la-sci-sn-diet-low-fat-carb-brand-best-weight-loss-study-20140902-story.html

Like this blog? Consider supporting my work by becoming a member! For ten bucks a month you can support size diversity activism, help keep the blog ad free, and get deals from size positive businesses as a thank you. I get paid for some of my speaking and writing (and do both on a sliding scale to keep it affordable), but a lot of the work I do (like answering hundreds of request for help and support every day) isn’t paid so member support makes it possible (THANK YOU to my members, I couldn’t do this without you and I really can’t tell you how much I appreciate your support!)   Click here for details

Book Me!  I give talks all across the country about self-esteem, body image, health and wellness for people of size and more, and I’d love to speak to your organization. (I’ll be in Northern New York and Central Pennsylvania in the next couple of months if you are in those areas and would like to add an event to those trips.) You can get more information on topics, previous engagements and reviews here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org!

Here’s more cool stuff:

My Book:  Fat:  The Owner’s Manual  The E-Book is Name Your Own Price! Click here for details

Dance Classes:  Buy the Dance Class DVDs or download individual classes – Every Body Dance Now! Click here for details 

If you are uncomfortable with my offering things for sale on this site, you are invited to check out this post.

Well, at least I’m not going to take it, everyone else gets to choose whether they are or aren’t.  What is it I’m not going to take? The insistence that I have to put up with poor treatment.

When I wrote about ways to deal with the Friends and Family Food Police, I got an e-mail saying that I should just “keep my mouth shut and appreciate that they care enough about to say something”.

Um, no.  I’m not going to do that. I respect everyone’s right to handle these situations in their own way, but that’s not how I roll. To me this behavior is inappropriate and I’m not going to smile pretty and take it.  The people who are in my life must respect my choices (even if they don’t agree with them) and must treat me with the level of respect that I require. I do my best to give clear communication, set specific boundaries and consequences, and follow through.  I respect someone’s choice not to be in my life, and I will not hesitate to remove someone from my life if they aren’t able to get it together. What I won’t do is be surrounded by family and “friends” treating me in a way that I find inappropriate while I shrug and say thanks.

When I wrote denouncing bullying behavior disguised as being for our own good, I got an e-mail saying that I should “stop worrying about the words people are saying and appreciate their intentions instead.”

I get why this can make people uncomfortable.  It’s difficult to see someone get upset with  a person who seems (or says that they are) well intentioned.  And I think that’s exactly what’s so insidious about this type of bullying.  People get to mistreat us and then side step while waving their red cape of “good intentions” and the compassion police will step up to misplace the blame on us.  That doesn’t work for me.

When I did a video condemning the fact that Dr. Oz, who makes MILLIONS of dollars scamming people with weight loss promises, was shocked to find out that there is research that disagrees with him, I received e-mails saying that I “need to find more compassion for Dr. Oz and where he is at in his journey”.

I might be able to locate my compassion if Dr. Oz admitted that he was on a journey, and had bothered to do a basic literature review and wasn’t a big scammy scammer. But he chooses to call himself an expert and tell millions of people (as a medical doctor who they trust, and for profit) to do something when he hasn’t even bothered to look at the research and/or he knows that it’s not going to work.  I’m not scraping up a lot of compassion for Dr. Oz, though I do have tons of compassion for the people he is so confidently and profitably lying to.

In this culture fat people deal with a whole bunch of crap and everyone has their own way to deal with it and that is totally cool, but I will not give up the option of insisting that I be treated with respect, and pointing out fat shaming/hating/stigmatizing when I see it.

Like this blog? Consider supporting my work by becoming a member! For ten bucks a month you can support size diversity activism, help keep the blog ad free, and get deals from size positive businesses as a thank you. I get paid for some of my speaking and writing (and do both on a sliding scale to keep it affordable), but a lot of the work I do (like answering hundreds of request for help and support every day) isn’t paid so member support makes it possible (THANK YOU to my members, I couldn’t do this without you and I really can’t tell you how much I appreciate your support!)   Click here for details

Book Me!  I give talks all across the country about self-esteem, body image, health and wellness for people of size and more, and I’d love to speak to your organization. (I’ll be in Northern New York and Central Pennsylvania in the next couple of months if you are in those areas and would like to add an event to those trips.) You can get more information on topics, previous engagements and reviews here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org!

Here’s more cool stuff:

My Book:  Fat:  The Owner’s Manual  The E-Book is Name Your Own Price! Click here for details

Dance Classes:  Buy the Dance Class DVDs or download individual classes – Every Body Dance Now! Click here for details 

If you are uncomfortable with my offering things for sale on this site, you are invited to check out this post.

During the excitement of the Fat Activism Conference my little blog reached a few milestones that I’m just getting around to writing about.  I wrote my 1,000th post, got my 10,500th follower, and reached 4,000,000 views.  I know for a lot of sites that’s not much but me those numbers are just completely overwhelming and humbling and I am profoundly grateful to everyone who reads, interacts with, and supports this blog and me I am also incredibly grateful that I get to do size diversity activism work full time.

In fact, almost exactly two years ago I transitioned my last business consulting client and started doing this work full time. It definitely hasn’t been easy but it’s been totally worth it. Sometimes people ask what it’s like – essentially what I do all day – so today I thought I’d talk about that, if you’re not into it then feel free to skip this post and I’ll be back tomorrow with more standard fare!

Most of the work that I do is unpaid and a lot of it has to do with e-mails.  When I answer e-mails I sort them into one of three categories – general request, teacher/professor requests, and student requests.  So far this year I’ve answered 45,464 general requests (these range from people looking for help with a personal situation – sometimes heartbreaking-  to people looking for resources), 13,644 teacher/professor requests (these are usually about resources or curriculum development), and 19,630 student requests (these typically ask for help with a fatphobic teacher, an interview for a project, or help with research).  So that’s 78,738 e-mails so far this year (for those playing the home game, that’s a little over 320 e-mails a day).

I get somewhere around a couple hundred hate emails a day, but those are just a quick skim and delete unless they are entertaining enough to make the hatemail page.  I also get a few (like 20-50) requests from people to blog about things each day – those definitely come in handy when I’m trying to think of something to post about late at night!

Then there’s Facebook: I moderate the Rolls Not Trolls group on Facebook as well as my own FB page and I get between 300-500 Facebook messages a day to my personal page.

I post a blog almost every day, depending on how much research it takes these can take anywhere from just a couple of hours to many hours over a period of days.

I run More Cabaret which is a three hour rehearsal each Sunday, during the week there’s creating the choreography, working to book gigs, plus producing a few shows a year.

I moderate this blog, and Facebook pages for More Cabaret, Rolls Not Trolls, and my personal page to create safe spaces and spaces that encourage and support activism.

I work on big projects like the Fat Activism Conference and the Fat Activist History Project.

Jeanette DePatie and I run the Fit Fatties Forum which includes moderating the forum, moderating the Facebook page, and doing the work for various contests that we run (some of which actually generate a little money which helps pay the bills!)

Speaking of paying the bills, when I went full time doing this work, what that meant to me was that I was going to find a way to make a living by providing people with resources that help them live the life they want despite a fatphobic world, while simultaneously fighting fat phobia. Here’s how I do that:

I get paid for some of my speaking engagements, and like almost everything I do I utilize a sliding scale so that if people want to bring me as a speaker money doesn’t get in the way.  I also get paid for some of the writing I do.  I make money selling books  and dance classes. I also teach workshops (like how to deal at the doctor’s office), I’m planning to do more of that in the reasonably near future!

I have members (and big, giant, massive thanks to all of you!) whose memberships provide stable, predictable income which is super important because the speaking gigs are, of course, not guaranteed, and they are seasonal since I’m predominantly booked by Universities during the regular US school year.

In my free time I’m training for my next marathon and I hang out with my awesome partner and two very adorable dogs!

So that’s my life in a nutshell.  I am able to get by doing work that I love, I’m grateful to be able to do that and I know that it’s due to a combination of luck, privilege, hard work and support from my family, friends, and the community  and I really can’t even say how  grateful  I am!

If you want to support my work. there are lots of ways to do that:

You can become a member! For ten bucks a month you can support my work, and get deals from size positive businesses as a thank you.  (Seriously, THANK YOU to my members, I couldn’t do this without you and I really can’t tell you how much I appreciate your support!)   Click here for details

You can book me!  I give talks all across the country about self-esteem, body image, health and wellness for people of size and more, and I’d love to speak to your organization. (I’ll be in Central Pennsylvania, Cleveland, Austin and Las Vegas in the next few months if you are in those areas and would like to add an event to those trips.) You can get more information on topics, previous engagements and reviews here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org!

You can buy my book:  Fat:  The Owner’s Manual  The E-Book is Name Your Own Price! Click here for details

You can buy dance classes DVSs or downloads: ! Click here for details 

If you are uncomfortable with my offering things for sale on this site, you are invited to check out this post.

No money?  No problem!  You can share the blog posts that you like to your social media, you can leave a comment or send me an e-mail telling me you like the blog or if it helped you in some way, you can subscribe to the blog (the box in the top right hand corner – the number of subscribers helps when I look for sponsors for events or literary agents or whatever) you can think nice thoughts about me!

One other thing that I get to do sometimes is fun interviews. Recently I was a guest of the fabulous Gina Pond on the podcast This Week in Heresy to talk about religion and Fat Shaming. You can check it out here!

So thanks for the first 4,000,000 views, here’s to the next 4,000,000!

In a recent marathon update I talked about working as a team with my body instead of treating my body like a limitation to be overcome.  I mentioned how working with my body instead of against it improved my performance immediately.

I got a lot of e-mails asking me how I could possibly improve if I never wanted to push my body, and telling me that the only way to improve athletic performance is to ignore your body and push past what your body thinks is possible.  I disagree with that, strongly, so I wanted to clarify a bit.  The only way that I know to improve athletic performance is to push beyond what is currently comfortable.  I am definitely pushing my body, I just don’t think that’s the same thing as treating my body like a limitation to be overcome or ignored.    Just like any physical challenge that I face, I never want it to be me against my body. I want it to be me and my body against a problem.  Whether that problem is an injury, or whether  I can get up that hill faster than I got up last time, or how to take another minute off my mile time.  If I achieve the goal, make the improvement, cross the finish line and get the medal, it will be thanks to my body, not in spite of it.

While I’m clarifying things, let me say this one more time:  nobody is obligated to be involved in fitness or sports in any way.  Those of us who do enjoy being involved for whatever reasons are no better or worse than those who choose other hobbies or pursuits or no hobbies.  The good fatty/bad fatty dichotomy is bullshit and it needs to die. We shouldn’t let the fact that other people impose their beliefs on us to keep fat people from being involved in fitness/sports, or from talking about it, or talking about the stigma that we face trying to pursue something that we enjoy, nor should anybody put us on a pedestal because of the hobbies we choose.

For those who choose to pursue athletic achievement it can definitely be about pushing, but it can be about pushing against barriers and goals and, at least for me, it doesn’t have to be about pushing against, or ignoring, my body.

Like this blog? Consider supporting my work by becoming a member! For ten bucks a month you can support size diversity activism, help keep the blog ad free, and get deals from size positive businesses as a thank you. I get paid for some of my speaking and writing (and do both on a sliding scale to keep it affordable), but a lot of the work I do (like answering hundreds of request for help and support every day) isn’t paid so member support makes it possible (THANK YOU to my members, I couldn’t do this without you and I really can’t tell you how much I appreciate your support!)   Click here for details

Book Me!  I give talks all across the country about self-esteem, body image, health and wellness for people of size and more, and I’d love to speak to your organization. (I’ll be in Northern New York and Central Pennsylvania in the next couple of months if you are in those areas and would like to add an event to those trips.) You can get more information on topics, previous engagements and reviews here or just e-mail me at ragen at danceswithfat dot org!

Here’s more cool stuff:

My Book:  Fat:  The Owner’s Manual  The E-Book is Name Your Own Price! Click here for details

Dance Classes:  Buy the Dance Class DVDs or download individual classes – Every Body Dance Now! Click here for details 

If you are uncomfortable with my offering things for sale on this site, you are invited to check out this post.