I was thinking today of some of the absolutely stupid things that people say to us fatties. Again, although this isn’t our mistake it becomes our problem. In that spirit I offer some things to say when people say dumb things:
You have such a pretty face.
- Sure, but wait until you see my fine, fine ass.
- Thanks, it matches my beautiful body
Do you need to eat that?
- I thought that you were an accountant, are you also a dietitian?
- Yes, because dealing with your rudeness is depleting my glycogen stores at an alarming rate
- If I want to talk to the food police, I’ll call 911
- Thanks for trying to give me your insecurities, but I was really hoping to get a Wii for Christmas this year
- No, but using my fork to eat helps to keep me from stabbing you with it
What are you doing about your weight?
- Moving it through space with grace, power, and joy
- Dressing it in fabulous clothes and taking it out on the town
- My weight is fine, what are you doing about your rudeness?
Don’t you know that being fat is unhealthy?
- Don’t you know the difference between correlation and causation?
- Don’t you know what is and is not your business?
- Show me your evidence or shut up.
- No, I don’t and you don’t either. It looks like you need to do some research.
This Health at Every Size® stuff is just fat people justifying people being fat.
- My fat body is amazing and requires no justification. Your rudeness on the other hand is inexcusable.
- Health at Every Size says that healthy habits are the best chance for a healthy body. Are you suggesting that we should tell people to practice unhealthy habits?
- It sounds like you are just trying to justify your fat bashing.
But [I, my sister, my friend etc.] lost weight and they are healthier that they were.
- Did they change their behaviors to lose weight? Then is it possible that the weight loss and the better health are both side effects of the behavior?
- That’s fine for [him/her] but everyone does not have to choose the same path.
- I’m happy for [him/her] but with only 5% of people able to maintain weight loss with no guarantee that it will improve their health, and the rest becoming less healthy with each new attempt, I still think that weight loss is too a dangerous choice for me.
People on Dancing with the Stars lose weight , why don’t you? (It’s possible that this one just happens to me)
- People are able to appropriately interact with strangers, why can’t you?
- People on Dancing with the Stars appear on television half dressed to detract from poor technique. I don’t need to do that either.
All you have to do is eat less and exercise more and you’ll lose weight.
- Right, and all you have to do is click your heels together and say “there’s no place like home” and you’ll be there.
- Sorry, but that’s not what the evidence says. Unless you have some proof you’d like to show me we’re done with this discussion.
- All I have to do is eat healthy and do movement I enjoy and I’ll give myself my best chance for health and that’s much better than a 5% chance at being smaller than I am now.
You’re pretty for a fat girl.
- I’m pretty for any girl.
- That’s weird, I was just thinking that you are attractive for a rude person!
You’re not fat! (As in, like those other stereotypical fat people)
- I am absolutely fat, and there’s nothing wrong with that. The problem happens when people decide that from looking at our bodies they know what we eat, how much we exercise, how healthy we are, etc.
- You know, when you say that I’m not fat, when I obviously am, it makes it sound like you think there’s something wrong with the body that I live in all the time, there isn’t.
We can’t have you as a speaker because your lifestyle is obviously leading you to an unhealthy body and we don’t think you make a good example for our staff. (again, this one might just happen to me)
- Fuck you. (Ok, that’s not really one I recommend)
- Studies show that all it takes to get people to try something previously thought impossible is that one person does it. When I show up as a fat athlete, it lets other fat people know that athleticism may be possible for them to. That’s important since they get the constant message that they are lazy, unathletic and that they are bad examples no matter what they accomplish.
- You’ve had other successful athletes as speakers. It’s interesting that you are comfortable ignoring all of my accomplishments because you can’t set aside your prejudice that I did those things in this body.
Are you being bullied about your weight? Then do something about it.
- The solution to social stigma is not weight loss. It’s ending social stigma.
You can’t tell me that you’re comfortable if you’re fat.
- You can’t tell me whether or not I’m comfortable since you’re not, you know, me.
- I can and I am telling you that, despite your best efforts to make me uncomfortable, I am very comfortable being fat.
Dances With Fat 
Oh, I got the “but you’re not fat” one the other day. I couldn’t believe how angry it made me. Mind you , I think it made me angry because the person was wondering why I’d got upset at her ignorant comments that “fat = unhealthy and a big expense to the tax payer for all those fat diseases”. She said I wasn’t fat so she couldn’t understand why I was upset or defending fatties. To which I replied that according to my BMI I’m on the borderline between overweight and obese and she could stick her assumptions where the sun doesn’t shine.
Ok, I may not have said that last part, but at the time I sure felt like it!
Things we can’t tell by looking at someone: their life experiences, what size they have been in the past, their BMI!
A couple of times I’ve heard the “but you’re not fat” line supplemented with, “I’m talking about people who weigh XYZ pounds or more.” Except, of course, that the times it’s happened, XYZ has always been some number less than my actual weight.
I get that all the time. My weight is firmly in the overweight range. I don’t look like I weigh as much as I do since I wear fairly small sizes. I was called fat by doctors and other health professions at a much lower weight than I am now. I was called fat in school and on the street when I weighed far less than I do now. I try to believe people when they tell me that I’m not fat. I understand it means that I look good. I can look good and still be fat. I could look good because I am fat.
My BMI is in the “obese” range, but I’ve long since stopped paying attention to that number. From doing volleyball, track, and general exercising all of my life, there’s a lot of muscle under here (plus voluptuousness on top!), so even if a friend and I wear the same size, my BMI says I’m more “unhealthy” than she is, even though I’m more active!
My roommate is very into eating what she considers healthy (very little & only organic), and running 4 miles a day. She constantly makes comments about fat people, and it’s a group I identify with, so I get the “Oh, but you’re so attractive because you’re so confident.” To which I say, “I have to run and do X right now,” and leave the conversation…maybe next time I will declare myself boss of my own underpants.
I tend to be less irritated by “But you’re not fat!” because every time I’ve heard it, it’s been from someone honestly trying to express something good (“You’re not disgusting/lazy/stupid/smelly/ugly/less than human, etc.”), but too caught up in the cultural assumptions about fat people to express it well.
I definitely think it’s a good thing to speak up about it, because a lot of people have a picture of fat people and “the obesity epidemic” that’s completely distorted, and correcting the picture makes things better for everyone. But I’m more inclined to be nice about that than any of the “Your body doesn’t fit my personal aesthetic sense! Change it at once!” stuff.
I find that when people ask rudely about your weight, you may reply “Oh, I’m keeping it. It’s a fantastic detector for assholes.”
This one just went into my brain file for future use.
LOL! Love it!!!
~ManDee
Even if they’re right and being fat is both unhealthy and totally a choice, who are they to tell other people what they should or shouldn’t do with their own damn bodies? That’s really the bottom line here, IMO.
Last year, when my teaching contract with the public schools in Jeollabukdo, South Korea was up for renewal, the coordinator for foreign teachers sent me an e-mail expressing his “concern” that since I’m fat, I am also not healthy enough to teach. I informed him that not only did I pass my routine health check at the hospital, but I had taken exactly zero sick days. He shut up after that. I admit that I’m not sure I could have responded with such dignity had the entire exchange not taken place via e-mail.
Lee, I think this has to be you… I’m guessing. It’s Rosalie, if this is Lee. Good for you sticking up for yourself anyway! That’s so tricky in Korea, because fat is just seen as so evil there! But I know I also was one who took far less sick days than most, although I didn’t manage zero. So obviously our size makes us dangerously unhealthy!
Hi Rosalie! I’m tempted to have a t-shirt made that says in Korean, “I’m not A big, fat, foreigner. I’m THE big, fat foreigner.” (adapted from Kung Fu Panda)
Kittenmommy…then you get into the “Well, my tax dollars are paying for your fatness, fatty…” line of arugment which you can counter any number of ways, as our Regan has taught us, but frankly, I can think of 1000 other things I’d rather be doing than dancing a tango with a moralistic, judgmental arsehole.
When I encounter people like this, I usually channel my Inner Samuel L. Jackson and am not held responsible for anything that comes from my mouth. If that isn’t starchy enough, I say, “You should try anal sex. It’s really the way sex was intended to be. Oh…I’m sorry, I thought we were making inappropriate personal remarks? Silly me. Shall we move on?”
Love the replies to rude people Ragen and hope I remember them! Also love Yorkie’s comment on releasing the inner Samuel L. Jackson, and so right that there’s probably little point in getting into a protracted arguement with ignorant, rude people.
Marion, UK
The one time someone took aim at me with a ‘do you need to eat that?’-style comment, I just gave them a giant, shit-eating grin and chirped ‘Yup!’
Concern trolls just hate it when you don’t respond the way they want.
I love replying with that! Or “no, but it’s just so damn delicious.”
“Concern Troll”…BEST. TERM. EVAR!! ;D
“People are able to appropriately interact with strangers, why can’t you?”
I’m going to be thinking of this one and giggling for the rest of the day.
I always find the “not even fat” comments a little weird, regardless of what the person’s body looks like. There’s always that sense that “fat” is meant as a slur, and when you’re talking to someone with distorted body image or low self esteem, that’s just adding fuel to the fire.
Remember Mad Magazine’s “Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions”? That’s what this reminds me of – love it!
I had a guy ask me once if I were really going to eat all that. I said yes, it was delicious, and did he want some? This same guy also once told me that hunger was our friend, that we should embrace hunger. I just felt sorry for him then, because I realized that his hunger was a far worse burden than I’d ever know.
-Carol
Yes! Hunger is our friend, because it tells us it’s time to eat, eat well, and eat whatever and however much we want! It seems a little crazy to me to convince yourself that you enjoy being hungry.
I love these. Absolutely love them.
Brilliant!
I would love to use some of those phrases on my own family members……
Oooh can you help me answer a few more? When are you going to lose the baby weight?
Don’t you think you’re setting a bad example to your kids being so fat?
Have you always been this fat?
From my doctor: You know you need to lose weight or you asthma will never get better ( this is usually a pronouncement rather than a question but I’d appreciate an informative quip)
Oh I see you’ve lost a few pounds (I’d had a nasty cold & was on the loo for a week) only 95 more to go. [I have peptic ulcers, asthma, chronic anemia & hypermobility, but being sick enough to lose weight is considered a good thing? WTF?Huh?]
I’m sure there are loads of stupid questions that fatphobes come out with for being ignorant & it’s out duty to help them learn, so any tips would be greatly appreciated.
-Hey, I lost eight whole pounds of it when the kid was born.
-What, you mean diet? No way–I need every calorie to keep up with the kid.
-Probably about the same time you learn not to make inappropriately personal comments.
-Don’t you think you’re setting a bad example for your kids being so rude?
-What, the example that people come in all shapes and sizes? Yes, I’m horribly ashamed. ::eyeroll:
-Yes, I emerged from the womb weighing 250 pounds. My poor mother.
-No, I used to be thinner. Then I went on a diet and got the same result as 95% of dieters do.
-Wait, so the fat is in my lungs?
-How about we focus on treating my asthma at the weight I am right now?
-Yep, I just need to keep getting sick for the next year, and I’ll be a fantastically skinny corpse.
-Wow, you say that like not being able to keep food down is a *good* thing.
Those are great! Do you have any equally awesome suggestions for when people only *look* those things at you instead of saying them out loud?
You mean facial expressions? How do you know what they are thinking?
Some people don’t leave much room for doubt! And while you at least have the chance to reply eloquently to rude comments, it’s much harder to deal with what *isn’t* said, whether it’s the omg-she’s-really-let-herself-go look from an old acquaintance or a total stranger eyeing you up and down and pulling a disgusted face.
There’s always the frosty “Miss Manners” look, eyebrows raised, like you just DARE them to say something.
I have a friend who suggested that after someone asked me an obnoxious question, I should widen my eyes and say loudly, “Wow, what a rude thing to ask! You must feel like a real jerk!” I haven’t managed it yet, but I’m happy to pass it on! (I don’t happen to be fat, but I’m 37 and never married so I get a lot of “what’s wrong with you” questions about why I’m “still” single.)
Oh, this is gold! I just wish I could remember lines like that when put on the spot.
I’ve also had success cupping my hands around my mouth and stage whispering conspiratorially, “You know you just said that out loud, right?”
I love this one.
Yes! Yay. (Also “Really? THAT’s your question? / You’re going to ask me THAT?”)
“(I don’t happen to be fat, but I’m 37 and never married so I get a lot of “what’s wrong with you” questions about why I’m “still” single.)”
I’m not fat either, but my husband is 20+ years older than I am, and you would not believe what some people think is OK to ask me about/say to me on that subject. You seriously wouldn’t! D:
Hey man, I don’t want to sound like “that guy” but I was a bit put off by your “dressing like a hooker” comment. Like health, clothing (and for that matter, prostituting) is a personal choice, and IMO another thing we should not be bashing each other about. I don’t watch Dancing with the Stars, but I imagine it’s not uncommon for people to wear very tight clothing and/or show some skin. This doesn’t make them hookers, it makes them people in very tight clothing and/or showing skin.
I’m a great fan of your blog and your whole deal really, but I would feel remiss if I didn’t say something about that. Cheers!
Thank you, this bothered me a little, too.
Thanks for letting me know that this bothered you. I have changed it so as not to detract from my point by upsetting others. While I have no problem with sex workers or what they wear, I do have a problem with the expectation that professional ballroom dancers are expected to dress like professional sex workers – maybe I’ll blog about it some other time!.
Thanks a bunch,
~Ragen
I sort of figured as much. Thanks!
“Like health, clothing (and for that matter, prostituting) is a personal choice”
Sometimes prostituting isn’t really a *choice*, but rather something forced upon a person by circumstances.
Within sex work*, you find the men and women there all with a myriad of experiences and opinions and not one voice should necessarily represent all the other sex workers. And no matter what, they should be given respect and not face backlash for doing what they do, whether choice or by circumstance.
*Also, the term “sex worker/sex work” is preferable to “prostitute/prostitution.” The latter terms restrict a person’s identity to the activities s/he engages in. As a sex worker blog once stated, “The negative labels or words like “prostitute” and “whore” reduce a person to one dimension: engaging in sexual activities for money. Sex workers need these activities to be defined as work because they view their occupation as an activity that generates income. Using the term sex work therefore helps draw a distinction between the economic activity and the person’s identity. Who sex workers are should not be confused with the work they practice. Sex workers are much more than the work that they do, just like other human beings!”
or professional sex workers are expected to dress like ballroom dancers.
It’s like Dave Chapelle’s stand up, “just because I am dressed like a police officer, doesnt mean i am a police officer”
Lol, this, in my opinion, is the over political connectedness that basically insists, we abandon our sense of sight, not to mention that other sense….. common sense. God forbid anyone calls it like they see it…cause that would be…you know…upsetting.
“”“Well, my tax dollars are paying for your fatness, fatty…””
Because all fat people are on welfare and none of them have jobs with health benefits or anything like that. Right.
“but frankly, I can think of 1000 other things I’d rather be doing than dancing a tango with a moralistic, judgmental arsehole.”
I’m too old for that crap too, TBH.
“”“You should try anal sex. It’s really the way sex was intended to be. Oh…I’m sorry, I thought we were making inappropriate personal remarks? Silly me. Shall we move on?””
Love it! 😀
I have kind of an odd question, but it sort of relates to this topic, because I need help with a good response to someone. What do you say when someone decides to leave a comment calling you ‘a blonde tubs’ (apparently, despite eating healthy, exercising, recovering from anorexia, and being what is referred to as a ‘normal weight’ by doctors, I’m not good enough for this person), your best friend an ‘ugly bitch’ and your other friend ‘a brown faggot’? I (along with a few hundred other commenters) said that he was racist and out of line already, and, we’re making a video response to this person. Any suggestions as to what to say?
Yikes! I’m sorry that this happened to you. What is your goal for the video – what do you want to accomplish?
~Ragen
To really communicate to this guy how wrong it was for him to say this to us – it’s a comedy show, and he just pops out with this comment.
I’m not sure if this is what you’re going for, but what I think ends up being true is this — The words used to insult someone says far more about the speaker’s values than it does about the subjects’ values.
I know we just met, but I adore you. I thought you should know. 🙂
I love this post! Reminds me of Joy Nash’s Fat Rant 3: Staircase Wit. I’ve been practicing witty comebacks in my head for the next time somebody makes one of these remarks to me. (Most of my immediate family leaves the subject alone for various reasons, and my extended family tends to treat me like glass for fear of triggering one of my seizures, so it would be a rude stranger or acquaintance.) Thank you for adding to my arsenal.
My favorite: “You can’t tell me whether or not I’m comfortable since you’re not, you know, me.”
Only time will tell if I have the guts to actually carry through next time someone makes a rude comment, but at least I’ll be prepared.
today an online group of people from my childhood town were discussing people who we grew up with who have died over the years. Two fellow fat girls commit suicide shortly after graduating and one of them was mentioned in the discussion. She was a KICK ASS cheerleader and just an all around fun person to be around, and yet the very first memory of her mentioned after someone brought up her suicide and the year it happened was that “she wasn’t a small girl, yet she had so many friends.” This SO rubbed me the wrong way for some reason. I couldn’t figure out how to respond. I just left the discussion feeling very ticked off and upset. Is it just me or is that a stupid and offensive thing to say? I don’t know, but this post was just what I needed to read all the same. Thanks as always for your humor and intelligence. ❤
That statement makes it sound like that one can only have friends despite being fat, and that it can not only never be a positive, it can never really be a neutral thing. Like if someone said “She didn’t have green eyes, yet she had so many friends”, it’d suggest that green-eyed people are the only ones naturally suited to having many friends, and it’s a surprising achievement for a blue-eyed person to be popular.
exactly
OMG, I think I love you!! Just found this blog and started crying as I read the front page. Thank you, thank you for saying these things out loud and in public. I thought I was alone!
I’m a size 24, and someone once told me, “You are not fat.” Then, they said that I was “Detroit thick.” I took it as a compliment. Even if someone says that to you, I think you are overreacting. Cheers!
Hi Piper,
I think it’s fine if you are ok with people saying that to you. However, I don’t think it’s ok for you to tell other people how they should feel or react, or judge them for thinking differently than you do.
~Ragen
Love these! I was so happy to share a comeback from Fat!So? with a new friend whose feelings were hurt after a thoughtless question. We were on retreat and our whole cabin of 12 was telling her she misunderstood. She seemed relieved that someone believed her and had something funny to say.
From Marilyn Wann’s book Fat!So?
Are you pregnant?
No, but the night is young!
Thanks for all you do. I’m printing these out for the fridge.
LOve these! I am asked if I am pregnant regularly. Any more witty comebacks for that one?
Glad that you liked them. My reply is stolen from the amazing Marilyn Wann: No, but the night is young.
~Ragen
BRILLIANT!!!
i feel like an idiot. i was in a store the other day picking up some things for my mother and a lady behind me… a lady i had opened the door for no less looked at my helmet and said “you ride a bike?” i nodded “good it will help you work all those pounds off!” i just stared at the old bag as she left then looked at the other patrons dumbfounded. no one said anything i shrugged and could only say “what the flip was up with her?” and left. i don’t ride a bike to wear off pounds!! i ride a bike because its a fast transport! and its the most awesome, graceful, freeing thing ever! it feels like i have wings… at this point its not even that much of an effort, my legs have grown incredibly strong to handle just about anything.. i feel dirty now.
“Aren’t you WAY too OLD to be that socially inept?”