Hot Hottie Manifesto

Tomorrow I’ll be on my way to Los Angeles.  We’re wrapping up filming of my part of America the Beautiful II – The Thin Commandments (The trailer is at the bottom of this post, I’m the one dancing),  and I’m giving a talk at the University of Southern California about options for health, happiness and self-esteem. In thinking about giving that talk I was reflecting on how I got to where I am when I remembered this:

I posted this to my LiveJournal on 10/12/2005 (the day after my birthday, making this the best birthday present I’ve ever given myself). At the time I had just quit a weight loss program and, in trying to get me to stay, and employee had asked me “Aren’t you tired of hating your body?” I realized that I was tired of hating my body and so I went to see a counselor for some help. This is the day that my destination became clear.  I didn’t know that path yet (it turns out that the Health at Every Size (r) method is what worked for me) but on 10/12/2005 I realized that who I was, was who I wanted to be. The post was titled “Hot Hottie Manifesto” and here is is:

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I had the most amazing life experience today. For a long time I’ve been struggling with issues surrounding my inability to lose weight. I started working with a new counselor and I was lamenting about my problems and suggesting reasons why I was holding onto extra weight etc. She looked at me almost quizzically for a few seconds and then said “Truth – do you love your body?” And the answer was right there. Yes, I do. I totally love my body.  In that one moment it was  clear – the shame issues that I’ve been dealing with are about loving my body when other people think that I should be ashamed of it or trying to change it or that I must be unhealthy.  They have nothing to do with the way that I actually feel about by body.

So, a bit shocked, I told her that yes, I totally love my body. She said that she was surprised that I thought I had issues with my weight because her sense of me immediately upon meeting me was that I love my body in a way that few people are ever able to. I can’t describe how delightfully happy I am about this. I’m not sure where I’ll go from here but this is what I know a few things.

Truth:
I fucking LOVE my body.  My body is amazing. I would totally shag me. There is nothing conceited about this and I hope someday I can help other people feel this way about their bodies.

Truth:
I am badass dancer in the exact body that I’m in. End of story.

Truth:
The whole dieting, trying to lose weight thing is over. I’m going to support my body on its path.

Truth:
I’ll not be having anymore discussions with my dance coach or anybody else about changing my weight or size.

Truth:
I have been taking on other people’s issues about weight as if they were mine. I won’t be doing that anymore.

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So that’s it.  My big epiphany day and thanks to LiveJournal I can remember exactly how I was feeling.  I think it’s the most important thing that I’ve ever done for my health and my quality of life – it’s the day I opted out of the story that the diet industry was telling me and opted into a decision to find a way to acknowledge my amazing body and find a path that supported it, instead of punishing it and hating it. I was a difficult road to get here and some days the path is still rocky but I would not change it for anything and I will never go back.

Here’s the premiere for the documentary (trigger warning – there is eating disorder talk and pictures as well as some non fat-friendly speech).