Michele left a great comment over on my blog about The Self in Self-Esteem. She asked “From this exchange it seems to me there is a strong element of “faith” to self-esteem: either you believe you are marvellous or you don’t. OR can you act/ proceed as if you believe it, and maybe it will come?”
My answer is that yes, “acting as if” can be a fantastic strategy for working on your intrinsic self-esteem (and for your health, which I’ll talk about in just a couple more paragraphs) especially if you are having some trouble getting to the “I’m awesome just because I am” place.
I think it’s an extremely valuable exercise to imagine how your life might be different if you had the self-esteem and body image that you want. And I would suggest considering how it would be different from your perspective, not from other people’s. If you are hoping that a change in you will result in other people changing their behavior (ie: My mom will be nice to me; attractive men/women will be fighting over me etc.) you’re going in the wrong direction. This is about how you will feel, act, and react differently- not about controlling the behavior of others.
Take some time and really think about ways that you think your self-esteem might be holding you back. How would you act differently in specific situations if you had high self-esteem? If you have trouble picturing yourself with high self-esteem, ask your self how someone with high self-esteem would act.
Then start to act in situations the way that you would if you had the level of self-esteem that you wanted. Maybe try using a little saying like “I a person with high self-esteem”, of whatever makes sense to you. Just say it throughout the day and picture what that would look like. A little dorky? Maybe…but it couldn’t hurt, might help.
You can do the same thing with your health – to me that’s really what Health at Every Size is. So many weight loss programs suggest that you do something extreme to lose weight (eat reconstituted soy protein most of the time, drastically cut calories, cut out an entire food group) and then once you’ve lost the weight they put you on what they call “maintenance”. The reason that diets have a “maintenance” phase is that it’s not healthy to eat that way over an extended period of time. My question is, if it’s not healthy to eat that way long term, why would I want to do it at all? So many diets claim “this isn’t a diet, it’s a way of life” . That’s true, but unfortunately according to the science the way of life that they are selling is: Lose weight, gain it back during “maintenance”, feel like a failure, get back on the extreme phase of the diet, lather, rinse, repeat.
Health at Every Size suggests that we just choose behaviors that we would choose if we were healthy – eat nourishing food most of the time, enjoy the food you eat the rest of the time, move your body in ways that you enjoy. Those healthy behaviors have the best chance of leading to a healthy body and you know that they are healthy because you can do them long term. Healthy behaviors do not require a “maintenance phase”.
What if you just act like you were already have the health that you want right now – what things would you do differently? Would you eat a little better? Move a little more?
It doesn’t have to be drastic. You do not have to be in the gym for hours a day every day, or restrict your food to be more healthy. What if you did movement you enjoy (dance , garden, yoga, tai chi etc.) for about 30 minutes most days? If you get busy and can’t get to it one day, don’t bother feeling guilty – since guilt won’t substitute for movement now you’re just taking a situation that’s no big deal and making a thing out of it. Consciously choose that you’re not going to move today and then tomorrow, make a choice about moving tomorrow. The same with food. Eat food that nourishes you most of the time. If you’re going to eat something that you like but that isn’t so nourishing – relish it, enjoy it with no guilt. Being guilty about eating a food doesn’t do anything positive for you so what’s the freaking point?
Seriously, if you’ve been stuck on the diet roller coaster, give this a try. You may be very happy with the results. If you want more information, check out Dr. Linda Bacon’s site at http://haescommunity.org/ and check out Intuitive Eating (note, I’m not affiliated with either site, nobody pays me to recommend their stuff. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but it’s what’s happening right now 🙂
Get good at acting as if and I bet soon it will be so.
Dances With Fat 
So many great points in one article, Ragen! It has inspired me to decide to play with using my emotional energy in a different way today. Instead of putting any of my energy into having guilty feelings about what I’ve been doing that doesn’t nourish my long term goals in some way, I think I’ll try putting all of that energy into imagining how I would feel if I were already making the healthy choices that would support me reaching my ideal level of self-esteem, health, and body image.
Sounds like a great game! Thanks, Ragen!
Thanks! I like that you make things into a game, I don’t know about you but when I do that it makes it seem like a much lighter experience.
Thanks for this post; thinking about this suggestion helped me sort out a piece of a puzzle that has plagued my life, particularly in recent years. I’ve always wondered why it is so difficult for me to find enjoyable ways to be active and nurture my body with movement.
I have a habit of getting excited about a particular activity and jumping into it, but that excitement quickly turns into frustration at my learning curve, and I give up. In other areas of my life I’m more tenacious and patient with myself. It’s always confused me how quickly I can get upset and walk away when it’s exercise.
When I begin a new activity, I want to be able to jump into it as though I am the body-loving, healthy person I want to be, but that’s just not possible. In my most recent attempt, I was doing a very easy yoga program designed for the elderly and out of shape, and even then I could only do about half the moves. Being confronted with my limitations triggers an emotional slide into body hatred, which quickly leads to negative associations with whatever I was trying to do. The effect has slowly built over time to the point that I’m wary of trying new things I’d like to be able to do.
My physical limitations are a result of a lifetime of shame and neglect, and it’s a hole I’ve yet to figure out how to climb out of. Any suggestions?
My first suggestion would be to start by finding ways to be grateful for your body and whatever it can do now. I have a blog called Love Yourself More in Three Simple Steps that might help (https://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2010/06/27/love-your-body-more/)
Then I would say that where you are now and the past experiences that you’ve had are reflections of who you used to be. Maybe make a conscious decision to have a better experience. Maybe pick something small that you like to do, and set a lower expectation for how fast you’ll get it. Maybe decide that you are going to enjoy the process of being a beginner and focus on the benefits of moving and truly finding things to be grateful for and excited about rather than focusing on how “well” you are doing. As you work on the new things over time really celebrate every little victory. It sounds hokey but I find that it really helps.
When I get stuck like this the best thing for me is usually to recognize that I have an old pattern that isn’t serving me and make the effort to create something new. Does that help?
Dear Ragen & callipsofacto,
Thank you for this. I have felt exactly the same way. True confession: I haven’t exercised consistently in years, and that’s in large part due to my utter lack of patience with myself and the process. Every time I try to get started again, even with activities that would be considered “easy” or “wimpy” by many, I seem to do very poorly, get angry/frustrated, and give up.
Thanks for providing an alternative perspective. Maybe I can learn to be more gentle with myself and learn to like exercise again. The other piece is to detach the act of exercise/movement from the goal of losing weight (which then makes me feel like a sellout to the idea that we must be thin to be happy, loved, etc.).
So glad I found this blog. FYI, I found it via Golda Poretsky’s BodyLoveWellness site.
Cheers!
I’m a firm believer in a “Fake it ’til you make it.” method of building self esteem. It has worked really well for me, and when I slip down the ladder a few rungs, it’s what kick-starts my climb back up again. If I treat myself like I believe in myself and value myself and love myself, then I start to behave differently. My changes in behaviour result in a different demeanour that I put out to the world, which results in me feeling better about myself because the world reflects myself back to me.
But I always remind myself that I am, and will always be, a work in progress. That it’s inevitable that I’ll need to grow and adapt and work on keeping momentum. It’s so much kinder to yourself to think that way.